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Post Reply Newly Revise Novel.
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 7/12/16
Let me know if a thread like this one exist or not.
Thanks a bunches.

Title:
The Chronicles of Arikaisha

Setting:
Grand Empire Arikaisha

Genres:
Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy, Action, Adventure, Military, War, Mystery, Suspense, Fantasy, and Science-Fiction

POV:
Third-Person

Premise;
Two people try to change the world with the help of a super power that was given to them by an immortal god.

Plot:
Rosmaria is the crown princess of a large and powerful nation known as Kenorland while Demetrius is the grand-prince of the entire planet. These two lives change when they meet a woman who happens to be an immortal god name Annamara. She grants them the power to help change the world. That power is called Control Voice which gives the user the ability to control a person by speaking. Rosamaria and Demetrius use this power to help change their world. Rosamaria wants to stop her nation from going to wars with other nations and taking over the world. Demetrius wants to get rid of all the legal criminals in the world. Together they work to make their goals and dreams a reality. Can they do it.

Main Characters:

Rosamaria Valencia Marianne Eisenhower: Crown Princess of Kenorland

Demetrius Alexander Zachariah Arionheart: Seventh Grand-Prince of Arikaisha

Annamara: An immortal goddess who granted Rosamaria and Demetrius power to change the world.
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Posted 7/12/16
You had posted something like this? i mean if this is something like V2 of something you already posted. Because the history sounds familiar
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Posted 7/12/16

ajcu2696 wrote:

You had posted something like this? i mean if this is something like V2 of something you already posted. Because the history sounds familiar


Yeah, I guess you can say it's version 2.
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Posted 7/12/16
So you have your main characters and your plot. Are you going to start writing it soon? This looks like a good place to start that phase.
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Posted 7/12/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

So you have your main characters and your plot. Are you going to start writing it soon? This looks like a good place to start that phase.


Yes.
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Posted 7/12/16
Theres only one thing that I will say that I feel hasn't already been said in this thread or one of its predecessors. What is the weakness of this superpower? It sounds like it is really overpowered. Moreso than the geass from Code Geass (especially considering the circumstances). What is stopping Rosamaria from going up to her father (or whoever is the leader) and saying "hey, don't take over the world please"?
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Posted 7/12/16

sundin13 wrote:

Theres only one thing that I will say that I feel hasn't already been said in this thread or one of its predecessors. What is the weakness of this superpower? It sounds like it is really overpowered. Moreso than the geass from Code Geass (especially considering the circumstances). What is stopping Rosamaria from going up to her father (or whoever is the leader) and saying "hey, don't take over the world please"?


I never thought about a weakness. I guess if you use it more than you should then everything you say to be done by a person. Rosamaria doesn't live with her father for she is studying abroad. Even if she told him that, he would not listen to her.

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Posted 7/12/16

qualeshia3 wrote:

I never thought about a weakness. I guess if you use it more than you should then everything you say to be done by a person. Rosamaria doesn't live with her father for she is studying abroad. Even if she told him that, he would not listen to her.



So the power to control someone using your voice only works if the person you are talking to actually wants to do the thing you are telling them to do?

To clarify, by weakness I don't mean a drawback so much as a way to make it into an actually interesting story. Its like, if One Punch Man was played straight, it wouldn't be very interesting because One Punch Man is so OP. There would be no dramatic tension and creating tension would feel phony. I will say, I started hating Code Geass as soon as that thing happened in the middle of the show (which I wont talk about to avoid spoilers) because it felt incredibly artificial and like a reverse deus ex machina.
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Posted 7/12/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

I never thought about a weakness. I guess if you use it more than you should then everything you say to be done by a person. Rosamaria doesn't live with her father for she is studying abroad. Even if she told him that, he would not listen to her.



So the power to control someone using your voice only works if the person you are talking to actually wants to do the thing you are telling them to do?

To clarify, by weakness I don't mean a drawback so much as a way to make it into an actually interesting story. Its like, if One Punch Man was played straight, it wouldn't be very interesting because One Punch Man is so OP. There would be no dramatic tension and creating tension would feel phony. I will say, I started hating Code Geass as soon as that thing happened in the middle of the show (which I wont talk about to avoid spoilers) because it felt incredibly artificial and like a reverse deus ex machina.


I'm still working on it.
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Posted 7/12/16 , edited 7/12/16
(re: Geass example) but the diabolous ex machina works there because of the way it pushes the characters (the surviving ones at least). It's by far not the best point of the series, but it serves the story.

Actually, that relates pretty well to what I'd say about your powers:



Questions:
* Do they all have the exact same power, or are they different? How different? What are the differences? This is a good area for characterization.
** How well do they know their powers? Do they need to experiment with them to figure out all of the rules, or do they figure out some other way?
* Does anyone know about the powers? Who? Is someone going to go up against someone else, only to find out that that person has the same powers, too?
** If someone's in the room when they use their powers, what does it look like to them? Can they tell that powers were used? Might one person notice it, and wonder what they saw, or if they were imagining things, etc.?
* Do the powers have a cost? Do they know the cost upfront, or do they find out later (e.g. Fullmetal Alchemist, Madoka Magica)? If that's the case, the cost could be the thing that freaks her out (see the idea in the spoiler section).

Also, note: comparing this to Geass? Not a bad thing. At least not in my book. Maybe Sundin sees it differently, but to me, it's the highest compliment. Especially since you have so many characters (as in your other threads). That's probably Geass' biggest strength, keeping track of all those moving pieces. Study it. Learn from it. You mentioned Game of Thrones as well - that too.

I hope these ideas help you a bit. These are just sort of suggestions for jumping-off points for your own brainstorming.

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Posted 7/12/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

(re: Geass example) but the diabolous ex machina works there because of the way it pushes the characters (the surviving ones at least). It's by far not the best point of the series, but it serves the story.

Also, note: comparing this to Geass? Not a bad thing. At least not in my book. Maybe Sundin sees it differently, but to me, it's the highest compliment. Especially since you have so many characters (as in your other threads). That's probably Geass' biggest strength, keeping track of all those moving pieces. Study it. Learn from it. You mentioned Game of Thrones as well - that too.


Thats kind of the problem with the deus ex machina (or diabolous ex machina). They happen when a writer realizes that they need something to happen but don't really have a good way of making it happen. Its like, Lelouch makes a stupid joke (which to me felt awkward and tacked on even before shit went down) and that becomes the driving point of pretty much the entire second season. It doesn't have the necessary weight to carry that degree of consequences. For a series which is essentially about a battle of wits, it doesn't feel like Lelouch was outsmarted or that the consequences were a logical result of his mistakes. It just feels like the writer said "oh snap, we need more conflict" and jammed that in. That singular moment was probably my least favorite moment in anime history. It sent the show from being "hey this is pretty good" to "this is infuriating" in the span of five seconds by wrapping together a diabolous ex machina and a major plot inconvenience in one horrible package.

Anyways, I don't mean to be using the comparison to Code Geass as an insult. I think the show actually did a lot really well. Its just, learn from the mistakes Code Geass made as well as its successes.
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Posted 7/12/16
That's one way of looking at it, but look what I said under the spoiler. He could have addressed it, but he didn't - it's the one thing he didn't think to address, because it's the one thing that didn't seem connected. In that way, it's actually not really a diabolous ex machina.

I'm so sorry for being off-topic, but at the same time, I feel like this is pretty relevant, because of the similarities between this story and Geass.

Here's the thing about Lelouch - he's a teenager. He's loads more mature than most teenagers, and the story does a good job with giving him a backstory to make it make sense that he's leading this army even though he's only 17, but he's still young. He doesn't have experience, and things - both this, and the similarly hated twist of he second season -do result from his negligence. Here, it's not taking Mao's situation into consideration in time; in the second season, it's the way he kept so many secrets. It was weightless - to him, before he saw the result. Not to him after that.

Okay, now this is off-topic (or maybe not - that's for Qualeshia to decide, hope it's helpful). But here's one of the things I love so much about Geass - it's so good at showing a situation from one side, and then flipping it around and showing that it's really not that way, but it still makes sense. For a direct, literal example, earlier in episode 22, Lelouch rescues a Japanese kid that some Britannians were picking on, and a character who suspects that he's Zero has been following him and sees this. She says to herself, "Lelouch protected that kid, even though he's Zero... no, because he's Zero". Her image of Zero was one of a ruthless killer, but this moment made her take another look and remember the side of Zero that's the protector of the weak.
Or, C.C., once she realizes Mao is there. "Lelouch, even you (a formidable opponent for anyone)... no, because it's you (one whose strength is in thoughts, strategies, always having something up his sleeve), you can't defeat Mao (whose mind-reading is exactly the most damaging thing against someone with Lelouch's strength)."
Lelouch, his allies, and the viewer see possible issues from so many angles, but it's the angle they overlooked that comes back to bite them.

So back to topic:

Demetrius is a prince of the entire world - how does that work? Is his family's rule over hers, like her father is a sub-king? If so, does his family have jurisdiction over hers, and if so, why aren't they stopping her country from taking over everything?

Also, are the other characters you mentioned in school with her? If I remember correctly, you said they were princes and princesses, too. Are they from the countries Rosamaria's father is trying to conquer? Do they all know each other? Are they all in school together? If such a system exists, that implies a level of closeness where Rosamaria's father wouldn't be trying to conquer them. Having a world ruler implies a world where conquering is very backwards. What makes Rosamaria's country want to invade others, even in this sort of world. Do they resent having to play nice with the other countries, because of old glories or something?

And what does Demetrius mean by "legal criminals"? Are there rampant loopholes, or something? Bribes? Did Rosamaria's father bribe Demetirus' ruling family to overlook his actions?

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Posted 7/13/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:
So back to topic:

Demetrius is a prince of the entire world - how does that work? Is his family's rule over hers, like her father is a sub-king? If so, does his family have jurisdiction over hers, and if so, why aren't they stopping her country from taking over everything?

Also, are the other characters you mentioned in school with her? If I remember correctly, you said they were princes and princesses, too. Are they from the countries Rosamaria's father is trying to conquer? Do they all know each other? Are they all in school together? If such a system exists, that implies a level of closeness where Rosamaria's father wouldn't be trying to conquer them. Having a world ruler implies a world where conquering is very backwards. What makes Rosamaria's country want to invade others, even in this sort of world. Do they resent having to play nice with the other countries, because of old glories or something?

And what does Demetrius mean by "legal criminals"? Are there rampant loopholes, or something? Bribes? Did Rosamaria's father bribe Demetirus' ruling family to overlook his actions?



Demetrius is a grand prince of the entire world. His family has been ruling the world since ancient times. His family ruler over Rosamaria's family and other royal and imperial families. Rosamaria's father rules over a country and few other countries making him a High Emperor rather than an emperor. The reason why Demetrius's family aren't stopping Rosamaria's father is because it's a secret plan that hasn't went public yet. Rosamaria overhears her father discussing with an evil organization on how they plan to rule the world.

Yes, Rosamaria's father is trying to conquer their countries. They only know each other by name not personally.


Legal criminals are criminals who have the right to commit crimes but only if they belong to a mafia or gang. Mafias are notorious royal and imperial houses while gangs are noble infamous houses. There are way too many legal criminals roaming around the planet pretending to be apart of a mafia or gang. Majority of these legal criminals are Jaggers and Swag Hoodlums. Jaggers are people who kill for no reason while Swag Hoodlums kill for money, fame, status, and etc.


I might just change the plot around and have Rosamaria and Demetrius try to stop legal criminals. I might make an organization of legal criminals trying to throw the world into chaos and then rule it.
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Posted 7/13/16 , edited 7/13/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

That's one way of looking at it, but look what I said under the spoiler. He could have addressed it, but he didn't - it's the one thing he didn't think to address, because it's the one thing that didn't seem connected. In that way, it's actually not really a diabolous ex machina.

I'm so sorry for being off-topic, but at the same time, I feel like this is pretty relevant, because of the similarities between this story and Geass.

Here's the thing about Lelouch - he's a teenager. He's loads more mature than most teenagers, and the story does a good job with giving him a backstory to make it make sense that he's leading this army even though he's only 17, but he's still young. He doesn't have experience, and things - both this, and the similarly hated twist of he second season -do result from his negligence. Here, it's not taking Mao's situation into consideration in time; in the second season, it's the way he kept so many secrets. It was weightless - to him, before he saw the result. Not to him after that.

Okay, now this is off-topic (or maybe not - that's for Qualeshia to decide, hope it's helpful). But here's one of the things I love so much about Geass - it's so good at showing a situation from one side, and then flipping it around and showing that it's really not that way, but it still makes sense. For a direct, literal example, earlier in episode 22, Lelouch rescues a Japanese kid that some Britannians were picking on, and a character who suspects that he's Zero has been following him and sees this. She says to herself, "Lelouch protected that kid, even though he's Zero... no, because he's Zero". Her image of Zero was one of a ruthless killer, but this moment made her take another look and remember the side of Zero that's the protector of the weak.
Or, C.C., once she realizes Mao is there. "Lelouch, even you (a formidable opponent for anyone)... no, because it's you (one whose strength is in thoughts, strategies, always having something up his sleeve), you can't defeat Mao (whose mind-reading is exactly the most damaging thing against someone with Lelouch's strength)."
Lelouch, his allies, and the viewer see possible issues from so many angles, but it's the angle they overlooked that comes back to bite them.


I guess in some way the plot did set up the possibility for the geass to go out of control, but it still doesn't feel like a justified result of his actions. I think part of that is it being a major plot (in)convenience, which is probably a better description for it that diabolous ex machina. This negative result happens just as he says what quite possibly may be the most damaging line possible (in a manner that felt out of character to me). I think the set up in this case was far too weak for such a result. Besides, I don't think that this was really a case of him being outsmarted or really making a major mistake. It doesn't feel in line with the shows idea of a battle of wits, it feels like something outside of that (to me). I know there are plenty of people who despise this plot twist, so regardless of whether or not you think it was justified, I think there is something to learn from it. (EDIT: I also think that it coming at a moment of major character growth and effectively erasing that character growth is incredibly stupid from a writing perspective too)

The key storytelling idea to take out of this is twofold:
1) If you build a plot around an idea such as intellect, be sure that is at the center of the major conflict and plot twists.
2) Set up -> result. All actions have a consequence, and consequences should be in line with the actions that are taken. If you provide a result with inadequate set up, it will feel (to some people) out of the blue and jarring. If you provide actions without consequences, it will feel like what the characters do doesn't actually matter.

As for your other paragraph, I agree strongly. Code Geass does a very good job at making things grey, and a big part of this is that instead of having a good vs evil story, they have a story about two different philosophies. Its similar in many ways to the Magneto/Professor X storyline in X-Men where both men are trying to do what is best and are at odds with one another because of that.
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Posted 7/13/16

but it still doesn't feel like a justified result of his actions.


What do you mean by "justified"? That they didn't deserve for it to happen? In real life, if you overlook something, it might come back to bite you and ruin your plans even if you don't deserve it, so there's no reason fiction should be different from that. It's not something completely random, like a car accident or a disease - it is something he legitimately overlooked.
It wasn't a case of him being outsmarted by another character, but just like in real life, things happen that aren't the result of any person's intention.

On topic:

Legal criminals are criminals who have the right to commit crimes but only if they belong to a mafia or gang. Mafias are notorious royal and imperial houses while gangs are noble infamous houses. There are way too many legal criminals roaming around the planet pretending to be apart of a mafia or gang. Majority of these legal criminals are Jaggers and Swag Hoodlums. Jaggers are people who kill for no reason while Swag Hoodlums kill for money, fame, status, and etc.


This doesn't make sense.

Why would a government allow this system? It would just bring chaos to their country, and that's not something anyone wants. Also, "people who kill for no reason"... why? They have to have some motivation. If they just go around killing people for fun, and the government lets them... that wouldn't last. "People who kill for money, fame, status, etc." ... how? How does that work? Are they assassins? Is your world one where assassins can just walk into somewhere and people treat them like movie stars? Because that doesn't make sense.

I think you really need to look at every character - every moving piece - in your world and figure out why they act the way they do. It can't just be in order to provide the heroes something to rebel against.
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