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Posted 7/22/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

Also, why is it missing, and why is everyone not on it? Scholars in real life become obsessed with finding the answers in things like that.

If it's really missing, it must have been some sort of dark age - like a real dark age, where barely anyone was literate. Look up how much is known about goings on in Europe for a few hundred years following the fall of the Roman Empire. Like that.

If someone knows the truth, but they want to keep it secret, there must be some sort of official story. They wouldn't just say, "oops, no one knows what happened here," if any evidence exists, because then everyone would be obsessing and speculating over what happened there (like people do in real life when there are blank spots in history).
They'd make something up, tell the world that's what happened, and actively alter evidence to fit that. That's what I meant by public story.


Some people do want know about the gap in the Grand Imperial Dynasty's history. The reason why certain people are keeping it secret is because they don't want the Grand-Emperor and his family to be associated with the Kenorland Imperial Family.


Here is a little history:

The Eisenhower(Kenorland Imperial Family) Family are the true rulers of the planet Arikaisha. The Arionheart Family are actually servants to the Eisenhower family but the Eisenhower family are not fit to rule the world. The ancient Grand-Emperor didn't want his eldest son to rule the world nor his other children. So he look towards his trusted servants. He made the eldest child of the Arionheart Family the ruler of the planet. Eventually the eldest daughter of the Grand-Emperor married the Emperor of Kenorland. The other children were stripped of their imperial titles. The eldest child of the Arionheart family became the Grand-Emperor of Arikaisha.


I tried my best to explain it.
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What did the kids do to make them lose their birthright? Why didn't the girl lose her title? If she didn't lose her title, how was this lost to history?
Typically people aren't happy about being stripped of their birthright. It would be hard to near impossible to actually keep that a secret.
Typically "ruling the world" requires a lot of training and knowledge which would be started as young as possible. How would a servant have the knowledge required to rule the world?
How did the kids come to rule Kenorland if they were stripped of their birthright?
"Eventually the eldest daughter of the Grand-Emperor married the Emperor of Kenorland. " - I don't know who you are speaking about. Is the Grand-Emperor the servant boy or are you talking about the original Grand Emperor? Are you saying that the Eisenhower girl married into Kenorland, causing the Eisenhowers to rule? She would lose her name under traditional marriage naming conventions under that circumstance and again, this would be easy to trace.
Who covered this whole thing up in the first place and why?

I think its great that you have so much of the history in your head, but if theres no pay off for these ideas, the book may feel aimless, and even if you do put in some pay-off for everything, you have so many of these ideas that it might start feeling a bit cluttered. I'd have to see what you actually write to say for sure, but again, I think you might be better off trimming some plot threads to things that don't raise so many questions.
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Posted 7/22/16

sundin13 wrote:

What did the kids do to make them lose their birthright? Why didn't the girl lose her title? If she didn't lose her title, how was this lost to history?
Typically people aren't happy about being stripped of their birthright. It would be hard to near impossible to actually keep that a secret.
Typically "ruling the world" requires a lot of training and knowledge which would be started as young as possible. How would a servant have the knowledge required to rule the world?
How did the kids come to rule Kenorland if they were stripped of their birthright?
"Eventually the eldest daughter of the Grand-Emperor married the Emperor of Kenorland. " - I don't know who you are speaking about. Is the Grand-Emperor the servant boy or are you talking about the original Grand Emperor? Are you saying that the Eisenhower girl married into Kenorland, causing the Eisenhowers to rule? She would lose her name under traditional marriage naming conventions under that circumstance and again, this would be easy to trace.
Who covered this whole thing up in the first place and why?

I think its great that you have so much of the history in your head, but if theres no pay off for these ideas, the book may feel aimless, and even if you do put in some pay-off for everything, you have so many of these ideas that it might start feeling a bit cluttered. I'd have to see what you actually write to say for sure, but again, I think you might be better off trimming some plot threads to things that don't raise so many questions.


Thank you for coming.

Let me better explain the history of the Eisenhower Family and the Arionheart Family


Jonathan Eisenhower was the first grand-emperor. He was a kind and noble ruler who kept the world at peace. He had ten children with his wife Katrina. Theodore Arionheart was a servant who had three children with a woman name Eliza. Jonathan and Theodore are best friends are get along greatly even Katrina and Eliza get along good. The children however did no get along so greatly. Theodore's three children were always kind and generous to Jonathan's children but they were horrible towards them. That horrible behavior grew up with them and they became such awful people. Jonathan and Katrina envied Theodore and his family because they have such good children. Jonathan had to get strict with his children but that didn't last long. One day, Jonathan's eldest child Maxwell decided to start a war by making up a series of lies. Maxwell assassinated a monarch of a neighboring nation and blame it on another nation that they already had issues with. Believing that the other nation killed the monarch, this lead to a war. Maxwell reasoning for this war was because he was bored. Soon more nations got into the fight and choose sides. Jonathan was furious at his son for committing such an act. Soon the other children began doing horrendous things to people which lead to full blown conflict. Angry at his children for doing such things, Jonathan stripped away their titles and forced them to leave the palace. Theodore died due to an illness and Eliza disappeared and was never seen again. The three children who are in their late teens are all alone. While on his death bed, Jonathan told the eldest Arionheart child that he gives the throne and crown to him. It wasn't long until Omar Arionheart became the Second Grand-Emperor of Arikaisha. Jonathan took Omar and his siblings as his own children. Meanwhile his other children either died or went insane. Maxwell dated then later married a Princess of Kenorland. And soon Maxwell became the Emperor of Kenorland.

So Jonathan disown his ten children after the stunts they pulled and adopted his best friend's children. Maxwell vows to get back at his father for what he has done. Kenorland was a small nation that later grew in size and power thanks to Maxwell. Omar Arionheart became the second grand-emperor and the Arionheart family rules the world. Maxwell and his siblings tried numerous times to assassinate their father but failed. After the ten children were stripped of their titles and ranks, they were erased from history and kept everything a secret.
In the year 3005, Johann Eisenhower had an affair with Melissa Arionheart and they had a baby name Christopher. Johann and Melissa got married and it they became EIsenhower-Arionheart. But Johann and Melissa were murdered and Christopher was forced to to take his mother's name. They made sure that no one learns the truth.

Jonathan didn't want the Eisenhower blood to get mixed up with the Arionhearts. Jonathan allowed Omar to keep his surname even though he adopted him and his two siblings. Jonathan told a lie that the Arionhearts were another family next in line to inherit the throne when Omar is actually an adopted Eisenhower.

People decided to keep this secret because Jonathan feared that the Eisenhower were going to be too powerful for their own good. Jonathan was a Neo-Hybrid who didn't get the chance to live forever. His wife Katrina was a Neo-Sapien who has psychic powers He was told by his wife of the future that the Eisenhowers would bring. And the future is pretty grim.


I tried. Any more questions
Humms 
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Posted 7/23/16 , edited 7/23/16
So both have very similar lives. Now that's not so much the problem, I just find it odd that both would be confined and sheltered within royalty. Demetrius would be better off casted out by his family, or society for being a hybrid, and forced to join the military where he proves his skills and becomes a grand knight while receiving harsh racism along the way. This way you can have these two characters that still come from royalty, but one chose to leave, and the other was forced while both received harsh racism. This can allow these characters to connect while having a bit of a difference between each of them, one that has hatred for her country, and the other that builds hatred towards discrimination, and so both of these characters can connect with each scenario. To accept the corupption of a country ( wanting to stop it) and to accept discrimination ( put an end to it)

This allows both characters to have the same lives, but giving each of them one scenario that hits them harder than the other, this will build on these characters interaction, and relationship.

In my honest opinion
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Posted 7/23/16

Humms wrote:

So both have very similar lives. Now that's not so much the problem, I just find it odd that both would be confined and sheltered within royalty. Demetrius would be better off casted out by his family, or society for being a hybrid, and forced to join the military where he proves his skills and becomes a grand knight while receiving harsh racism along the way. This way you can have these two characters that still come from royalty, but one chose to leave, and the other was forced while both received harsh racism. This can allow these characters to connect while having a bit of a difference between each of them, one that has hatred for her country, and the other that builds hatred towards discrimination, and so both of these characters can connect with each scenario. To accept the corupption of a country ( wanting to stop it) and to accept discrimination ( put an end to it)

This allows both characters to have the same lives, but giving each of them one scenario that hits them harder than the other, this will build on these characters interaction, and relationship.

In my honest opinion


Your opinion is great. To be honest, they aren't all that sheltered. I made a mistake. Demetrius and his siblings are all Neo-Hybrids because their father is a Neo-Sapien and their mother is a Promethean. Demetrius's father could never cast him out nor his other siblings. His parents love them too much. But I still like your opinion.
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Posted 7/23/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

What did the kids do to make them lose their birthright? Why didn't the girl lose her title? If she didn't lose her title, how was this lost to history?
Typically people aren't happy about being stripped of their birthright. It would be hard to near impossible to actually keep that a secret.
Typically "ruling the world" requires a lot of training and knowledge which would be started as young as possible. How would a servant have the knowledge required to rule the world?
How did the kids come to rule Kenorland if they were stripped of their birthright?
"Eventually the eldest daughter of the Grand-Emperor married the Emperor of Kenorland. " - I don't know who you are speaking about. Is the Grand-Emperor the servant boy or are you talking about the original Grand Emperor? Are you saying that the Eisenhower girl married into Kenorland, causing the Eisenhowers to rule? She would lose her name under traditional marriage naming conventions under that circumstance and again, this would be easy to trace.
Who covered this whole thing up in the first place and why?

I think its great that you have so much of the history in your head, but if theres no pay off for these ideas, the book may feel aimless, and even if you do put in some pay-off for everything, you have so many of these ideas that it might start feeling a bit cluttered. I'd have to see what you actually write to say for sure, but again, I think you might be better off trimming some plot threads to things that don't raise so many questions.


Thank you for coming.

Let me better explain the history of the Eisenhower Family and the Arionheart Family


Jonathan Eisenhower was the first grand-emperor. He was a kind and noble ruler who kept the world at peace. He had ten children with his wife Katrina. Theodore Arionheart was a servant who had three children with a woman name Eliza. Jonathan and Theodore are best friends are get along greatly even Katrina and Eliza get along good. The children however did no get along so greatly. Theodore's three children were always kind and generous to Jonathan's children but they were horrible towards them. That horrible behavior grew up with them and they became such awful people. Jonathan and Katrina envied Theodore and his family because they have such good children. Jonathan had to get strict with his children but that didn't last long. One day, Jonathan's eldest child Maxwell decided to start a war by making up a series of lies. Maxwell assassinated a monarch of a neighboring nation and blame it on another nation that they already had issues with. Believing that the other nation killed the monarch, this lead to a war. Maxwell reasoning for this war was because he was bored. Soon more nations got into the fight and choose sides. Jonathan was furious at his son for committing such an act. Soon the other children began doing horrendous things to people which lead to full blown conflict. Angry at his children for doing such things, Jonathan stripped away their titles and forced them to leave the palace. Theodore died due to an illness and Eliza disappeared and was never seen again. The three children who are in their late teens are all alone. While on his death bed, Jonathan told the eldest Arionheart child that he gives the throne and crown to him. It wasn't long until Omar Arionheart became the Second Grand-Emperor of Arikaisha. Jonathan took Omar and his siblings as his own children. Meanwhile his other children either died or went insane. Maxwell dated then later married a Princess of Kenorland. And soon Maxwell became the Emperor of Kenorland.

So Jonathan disown his ten children after the stunts they pulled and adopted his best friend's children. Maxwell vows to get back at his father for what he has done. Kenorland was a small nation that later grew in size and power thanks to Maxwell. Omar Arionheart became the second grand-emperor and the Arionheart family rules the world. Maxwell and his siblings tried numerous times to assassinate their father but failed. After the ten children were stripped of their titles and ranks, they were erased from history and kept everything a secret.
In the year 3005, Johann Eisenhower had an affair with Melissa Arionheart and they had a baby name Christopher. Johann and Melissa got married and it they became EIsenhower-Arionheart. But Johann and Melissa were murdered and Christopher was forced to to take his mother's name. They made sure that no one learns the truth.

Jonathan didn't want the Eisenhower blood to get mixed up with the Arionhearts. Jonathan allowed Omar to keep his surname even though he adopted him and his two siblings. Jonathan told a lie that the Arionhearts were another family next in line to inherit the throne when Omar is actually an adopted Eisenhower.

People decided to keep this secret because Jonathan feared that the Eisenhower were going to be too powerful for their own good. Jonathan was a Neo-Hybrid who didn't get the chance to live forever. His wife Katrina was a Neo-Sapien who has psychic powers He was told by his wife of the future that the Eisenhowers would bring. And the future is pretty grim.

I tried. Any more questions


-I have a really hard time believing that two great people would raise TEN absolute garbage sociopaths. One I could maybe understand (and even that would be a major stretch) but ten?
-I also have a hard time believing that a servant boy would be capable of running the entire world.
-You say that Jonathan gave Omar the throne on his deathbed, yet you continue to talk about Jonathan like he is still alive "jonathan took Omar and his siblings as his own children" and "Maxwell tried to assassinate his father and failed"
-Why would the children keep anything a secret? How was that secret kept from the public? Did the public just all forget the Grand-Emperor's last name all of the sudden? You can "erase" history, but not when that history is still alive.
-The love-child kinda makes everything that happened beforehand completely irrelevant. Or rather, why not simplify things by only using that idea and not all of the other ideas?
-"Jonathan didn't want Eisenhower blood to get mixed with Arionhearts". Why?
-"Arionhearts were another family next in line to inherit the throne". A no-name family inheriting the world doesn't really sound believable.
-"Eisenhower were going to be too powerful for their own good. ". How would servant blood make Eisenhower stronger? Theoretically it would only weaken with time (without incest)
-Maxwell being Christopher's father would still be a matter of public record, so how was this covered up?
-If his wife had psychic powers, couldn't she have just told him "our kids are going to be evil so lets not have kids" (or have said something many times along the way to prevent the distasters the kids caused)?

Again, its hard to talk about this stuff when its theoretically not even going to really be a big deal in the story so I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Still, I think some of the questions are important enough to have answers to...
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Yes, it is weird. But the ten children were crazed and awful people that wanted nothing more than to cause trouble. Jonathan did try raising them to be like him but they weren't willing to change.

The people in the palace taught Omar how to properly rule the world.

Jonathan was still on his death bed when Maxwell tried to assassinate him along with adopting Omar and his siblings.

Jonathan feared that if the Eisenhowers and the Arionhearts were to ever get mixed up that would open the truth about the family. Jonathan did want the Eisenhowers to take the crown and throne of Arikaisha.

Omar was to be the fresh start that the Eisenhower Family needed. Jonathan noticed that Omar was kind and generous towards others unlike his eldest son Maxwell.

Jonathan was told that his children would grow up evil but apart of him didn't want to believe that. So he continued to have children with Katrina and change the future. But he couldn't change the future and soon regret his decision

Maxwell wasn't Christopher's father. Johann is Christopher's father.

You know what, I could use this history as apart of the new plot for the story. I like it too much. There were some questions I couldn't answer. My apologies.
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Posted 7/23/16 , edited 7/23/16

qualeshia3 wrote:

Yes, it is weird. But the ten children were crazed and awful people that wanted nothing more than to cause trouble. Jonathan did try raising them to be like him but they weren't willing to change.


I will say that this is a bit of a sticking point for me, both here and with the main characters. Kids are a product of there genes and of there environment. To have two great people and theoretically great parents produce 10 crazed and awful children is...basically impossible. Same with the Rosamaria. For her to have pretty awful parents and still turn into a caring, compassionate person who dislikes the way her family runs things just doesn't make much sense.

This can be solved fairly easily in a number of ways and I do think that you should do something to solve this as it is important in relation to the story.

Also, when you say someone is on their deathbed, that means they are about to die. Give them a week tops. The way you wrote things makes it sound like the character was on his deathbed for years. Also, trying to kill someone who is on their deathbed is pretty pointless.
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Posted 7/23/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

Yes, it is weird. But the ten children were crazed and awful people that wanted nothing more than to cause trouble. Jonathan did try raising them to be like him but they weren't willing to change.


I will say that this is a bit of a sticking point for me, both here and with the main characters. Kids are a product of there genes and of there environment. To have two great people and theoretically great parents produce 10 crazed and awful children is...basically impossible. Same with the Rosamaria. For her to have pretty awful parents and still turn into a caring, compassionate person who dislikes the way her family runs things just doesn't make much sense.

This can be solved fairly easily in a number of ways and I do think that you should do something to solve this as it is important in relation to the story.

Also, when you say someone is on their deathbed, that means they are about to die. Give them a week tops. The way you wrote things makes it sound like the character was on his deathbed for years. Also, trying to kill someone who is on their deathbed is pretty pointless.



I DIDN'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO PUT IT!!!!
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Posted 7/23/16 , edited 7/23/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

Yes, it is weird. But the ten children were crazed and awful people that wanted nothing more than to cause trouble. Jonathan did try raising them to be like him but they weren't willing to change.


I will say that this is a bit of a sticking point for me, both here and with the main characters. Kids are a product of there genes and of there environment. To have two great people and theoretically great parents produce 10 crazed and awful children is...basically impossible. Same with the Rosamaria. For her to have pretty awful parents and still turn into a caring, compassionate person who dislikes the way her family runs things just doesn't make much sense.

This can be solved fairly easily in a number of ways and I do think that you should do something to solve this as it is important in relation to the story.

Also, when you say someone is on their deathbed, that means they are about to die. Give them a week tops. The way you wrote things makes it sound like the character was on his deathbed for years. Also, trying to kill someone who is on their deathbed is pretty pointless.



I DIDN'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO PUT IT!!!!


Well first of all, I'd suggest making everything not quite as black and white. It feels like most of your characters are either good or evil, but that isn't really how the real world works. Try to make your characters more grey.

I feel like I'm overstepping my bounds a little by giving you actual story suggestions, but I didn't know how else to elaborate on my points. I put it in spoilers so you can decide whether or not you want to read them...

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Thank you so much.
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