Post Reply 59 Short Stories part 2
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Posted 7/28/16
I know that there is another thread like this one but this thread is part two.
Thanks a bunches.

Here is my first story for the 59 short stories Ask me any questions you want. Sorry this story is too short. The other stories will be much longer depending. You might have a story this length. But I can't decide if I should add on to this story or keep it the way it is? Tell me your thoughts. All 59 short stories will be posted on this thread. Let me know what changes I should make to this story and the other stories.

Here I go:

59 Short Stories
By Qualeshia Marshall

Story One: Strange World


When I was just a young girl, I use to get these dreams that will lead me to constantly ask the question 'Who is that person?' Yet sadly I would get not a single answer. It frustrates me knowing that I keep having this dream of some one I never met. Or maybe I have met the person in a different life. Honestly, I am not so sure about who he is. Every time in the dream I am swinging on a swing by myself while in the distance my mother is talking to some stranger. I can never see the stranger's face clearly but I can see my mother's face just fine. Then what happens next in the dream, is me falling backwards and hitting my head on a rock. I cry out in pain but no sounds leave my mouth. I am completely mute. When I try to get up from the ground, I looked to see if my mother is still talking to the stranger but they are both gone. I am all alone with the tree that the swing is tied to. I then proceed to look around and spot the stranger in the distance with his hand lending outward to me as if he wants me to grab it. When I go to grab the hand, I fall into a void then wake up in a sweat.
My dream is very weird and whenever I tell my mother about it, she doesn't know what to say to me. It's okay if she doesn't know what to say. Sometimes I have no words to say about the dreams. I just wake up sweaty and unable to comprehend what had happened. But the stranger in my dreams have been appearing more and more each day. I grow a little scared of the stranger because I can't see his face and he gives off a creepy vibe that I just can't explain. Nevertheless, he is always lending out his hand to me before I fall into the black void. So he can't be too creepy and might possibly be nice the way I see it. Who ever this person is, I need to know why he is apart of my dreams. I've been having these dreams since I was four and I when I was four years old something happened to me. I can't remember what it was but it was the start of these dreams. And it's always the same dream that never changes no matter what.
I sometimes see this in my day dreams as well. If I could talk to a professional about this, then I would feel like I am losing my mind. Ever since the dreams started I've been unable to relax and get so anxious. My friends are there to help me through the tough times but it is hard explaining it to them. So I just keep it to myself. I don't want to burden them with my weird dreams. It also feels as though I've done everything I could to figure out these dreams. I've searched the internet, read books, and talk to my school's counselor. But there are getting worst each and everyday. One day things went from bad to just plain scary. I was hanging out with my friends Rosalie and Crystal at the bookstore. This was our first time at this bookstore for there is another one much closer to my house. I wanted to get the book written by my favorite author Jillian Petersburg. I find her books to be awe-inspiring and simply amazing. But enough about that. The scary part happened when I was sitting in the café at one of the table. I glanced out the big window and witness a figure that looked a little too familiar to me. That figure was none other than the stranger who happens to appear in my dreams. At that time I was alone for Rosalie was on the line buying some coffee while Crystal was in the restroom. It was spooky for I could see the stranger clear as day all except for his face that remains hidden. He extended his right hand at me and I just sit there unable to speak a single word. I am stunned to think that a man from my dreams was standing right before me. Well he was actually outside of the building in front of the big windows. Yet for some strange reason only I can see him. I looked around the café to see if any one noticed the stranger like me. Sadly no. Lending his hand to me wanting me to grab it, I panicked to myself but then I felt a hand touching my shoulder and it's Rosalie. She startled me and I was ready to scream thinking that it was the stranger. When I turned to see if the stranger was still there, he was gone just like that. Why do they feel the need to do such a creepy thing like that?
My time spent at the bookstore was pleasant enough but I still worry about what happened. I seriously feel like I should see someone about this. My mother doesn't have the money to let me continue seeing a therapist daily. So I have no choice but to try and deal with the strangeness that is happening all around me. At home, I jumped right into the Jillian Petersburg book and could not put it down. While reading I could hear something feint but clear. Strange. It was getting a little louder and soon I could hear a voice. The voice was speaking either some foreign language gibberish I really couldn't tell. I closed the book after putting the bookmark in to listen to the voice some more. I got off my bed then look around the room to see where the voice is coming from. It can't be neighbors living above me because me and my mother live in a single family home. And the neighbors next door are rather quiet. So, who can this voice be? I listened closely and I can soon hear male's voice growing louder by each passing minute. It wasn't long until I could hear the voice as if the person is right in my bedroom. I called out and got no response. The voice was speaking in the language that I could understand. But I still have no clue what it is saying. The voice then stopped after it said look out the window. So I went to look out the window and there he was in all his creepy glory, the stranger. He was looking up at me from below and I freaked out like a little girl witnessing her first horror film or a creepy bug. I wanted to open the window and yell at the stranger telling him to leave me alone. But I was way too scared to do anything like that. And so I closed the curtains and turned away from the window. I headed back to my bed and to finish reading my book but my mind became distracted by too many things. I placed the book on my nightstand, lean back onto the pillows, then closed my eyes. I start to drift into my thoughts and blocking every single noise out. I wanted to rest easy and think about the thoughts that circle around in my head. Suddenly, my thoughts came to a halt when I heard a knock on the door. It's probably my mother letting me know that dinner is ready. I got off the bed then move to the door. I opened it and saw him, the stranger standing right before me. How did he even get inside my house? I glance at him nervously and full of fright that I can feel myself wanting to cry. I never thought I would be this afraid in my life.
What was the stranger going to do to me? I hope not kill me for that might be a little out of character for him. I looked at him then heard him speak. He told me to wake up from this world. Wake up? But I am awake. But how he said it was in a demanding tone of voice. He wanted me to wake up even though I was already awake. So I decided to do what he asked of me and I closed my eyes then opened them. Once I opened them I was in the hospital lying in the bed. What happened to me? Why am I in the hospital? I looked to my right and witness my mother sleeping soundly. On my left I saw the stranger who was also sleeping as well. When I look at the stranger's face, I can see it clearly but I do not recognize him. I sat up in the bed and accidentally woke up my mother. She gave me a happy tearful look while the stranger was still asleep. I ask my mother who that stranger is and you want to know what she said. She told me that there was nobody there. That the chair is completely empty. I must be dreaming, if I am will I ever wake up from this strange world?


Enjoy!!!!









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25 / F / Various
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Posted 7/28/16
The concept is good, and it's the right size of story for a short story. That's good - that's something difficult for a lot of people to get.
It feels more like a summary than a story, though. It's written like, "This happened, then this happened, then this happened." You could try adding more detail in places, and description of actions, settings, etc. And dialogue. Look at some books you like and see how they do it. How you can add these things to really build a scene.

I hope this helps ^_^;
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Posted 7/28/16
First of all, your tenses need to be tightened up (you flip-flop between past and present without rhyme or reason) and your grammar needs to be shored up. Also, break your paragraphs more often.

Second, work on your "show, don't tell". Things like "it frustrates me" or "my dream is very weird" feel like the types of things that shouldn't be said. Instead try to show us these things.

Your narration could use more personality.

Finally, I agree with Lavendar. The way you wrote this felt distant and I don't feel like that suited the tone. You told it as the main character telling a story. That would work for the dream sequence, but the second half should feel more immediate.
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Posted 7/28/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

The concept is good, and it's the right size of story for a short story. That's good - that's something difficult for a lot of people to get.
It feels more like a summary than a story, though. It's written like, "This happened, then this happened, then this happened." You could try adding more detail in places, and description of actions, settings, etc. And dialogue. Look at some books you like and see how they do it. How you can add these things to really build a scene.

I hope this helps ^_^;


Thank you for the advice. Should I add on to this story or keep it how it is?
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Posted 7/28/16

sundin13 wrote:

First of all, your tenses need to be tightened up (you flip-flop between past and present without rhyme or reason) and your grammar needs to be shored up. Also, break your paragraphs more often.

Second, work on your "show, don't tell". Things like "it frustrates me" or "my dream is very weird" feel like the types of things that shouldn't be said. Instead try to show us these things.

Your narration could use more personality.

Finally, I agree with Lavendar. The way you wrote this felt distant and I don't feel like that suited the tone. You told it as the main character telling a story. That would work for the dream sequence, but the second half should feel more immediate.


Yeah, I suck at showing not telling. Should I add on to the story or keep it how it is?
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Posted 7/28/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

First of all, your tenses need to be tightened up (you flip-flop between past and present without rhyme or reason) and your grammar needs to be shored up. Also, break your paragraphs more often.

Second, work on your "show, don't tell". Things like "it frustrates me" or "my dream is very weird" feel like the types of things that shouldn't be said. Instead try to show us these things.

Your narration could use more personality.

Finally, I agree with Lavendar. The way you wrote this felt distant and I don't feel like that suited the tone. You told it as the main character telling a story. That would work for the dream sequence, but the second half should feel more immediate.


Yeah, I suck at showing not telling. Should I add on to the story or keep it how it is?


I'd say work on it a bit more, but its up to you. You could just try to fix those problems in your second story.
42489 cr points
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Posted 7/28/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

First of all, your tenses need to be tightened up (you flip-flop between past and present without rhyme or reason) and your grammar needs to be shored up. Also, break your paragraphs more often.

Second, work on your "show, don't tell". Things like "it frustrates me" or "my dream is very weird" feel like the types of things that shouldn't be said. Instead try to show us these things.

Your narration could use more personality.

Finally, I agree with Lavendar. The way you wrote this felt distant and I don't feel like that suited the tone. You told it as the main character telling a story. That would work for the dream sequence, but the second half should feel more immediate.


Yeah, I suck at showing not telling. Should I add on to the story or keep it how it is?


I'd say work on it a bit more, but its up to you. You could just try to fix those problems in your second story.


Alright then.
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Posted 7/28/16
You should probably write first drafts and then go back and edit the ones you like the most afterwards.

Also, try reading what you write out loud. That might help you see things that don't flow as well as they could.
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Posted 7/28/16
amazing job, loved the story, keep doing what makes you happy, much love and positive vibes.

keep posting more just like this.
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