Post Reply The Novel Trio
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Posted 8/6/16
Let me know if a thread like this one exist or not.
Thanks a bunches.


I shall be working on three novels that I like to call the Novel Trio. I will be posting chapters of the novels here and I would like feedback on them. If you have any questions feel free to ask and I shall do my very best to answer them. These chapters will be rough drafts so don't worry. The novel titles are The Chronicles of Zaepathia, The Rebirth of Avangelina Starbrooke, and Brianna and the Strange World. Tell me what you think. Excuse my grammatical errors but these will all be rough drafts.

Here is the prologue to Brianna and the Strange World:
Chapter One will be here soon.





Enjoy!!!
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Posted 8/6/16
I welcome all feedback.
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Posted 8/6/16
-Your tenses are still fairly sloppy and you have some strange syntax. As for the tenses, it isn't just regular grammatical issues, but the story gets a little muddled at points. For example, you start off by saying that this character always thinks about other worlds when she looks at the sky. Then a few sentences later you say that the character doesn't think about those things any more. That is a contradiction which can be cleaned up by fixing your tenses.

-Your paragraphs are too long. Break them down a bit more.

-If you are trying to open this as a story the main character is telling, I think it should feel more personal. It feels like its in narrator voice instead of in character voice.

-Your transition from story to present is a bit jarring.

- I think I'm notorious around these parts for disliking exposition, so I have to ask, do you really need to tell us all of this before the story starts? I think the prologue should frame the story (if you need one at all), not tell you the backstory. I think this would be much more effective if it was told inside the story instead of outside of it.

-Theres a point with tragedy when it stops being sad. If you throw too much tragedy in, you kind of lose the ability to relate to the character and it starts feeling almost satirical. I think you went a little bit too far with trying to push the tragedy so it started losing some of its effect.
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Posted 8/6/16

sundin13 wrote:

-Your tenses are still fairly sloppy and you have some strange syntax. As for the tenses, it isn't just regular grammatical issues, but the story gets a little muddled at points. For example, you start off by saying that this character always thinks about other worlds when she looks at the sky. Then a few sentences later you say that the character doesn't think about those things any more. That is a contradiction which can be cleaned up by fixing your tenses.

-Your paragraphs are too long. Break them down a bit more.

-If you are trying to open this as a story the main character is telling, I think it should feel more personal. It feels like its in narrator voice instead of in character voice.

-Your transition from story to present is a bit jarring.

- I think I'm notorious around these parts for disliking exposition, so I have to ask, do you really need to tell us all of this before the story starts? I think the prologue should frame the story (if you need one at all), not tell you the backstory. I think this would be much more effective if it was told inside the story instead of outside of it.

-Theres a point with tragedy when it stops being sad. If you throw too much tragedy in, you kind of lose the ability to relate to the character and it starts feeling almost satirical. I think you went a little bit too far with trying to push the tragedy so it started losing some of its effect.


Ouch! I guess you didn't like it all that much?!

Well it is a rough draft so there were bound to be a lot of mistakes and errors. Thanks for letting me know what changes I should make for the next draft

Any questions you would like to ask me?
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Posted 8/6/16

qualeshia3 wrote:
Ouch! I guess you didn't like it all that much?!

Well it is a rough draft so there were bound to be a lot of mistakes and errors. Thanks for letting me know what changes I should make for the next draft

Any questions you would like to ask me?


Haha, its not that I didn't like it. I actually think this premise could be really cool. It just was clearly lacking polish and I feel it fell into the exposition trap which is really easy to fall into at the beginning of stories (I've had problems with that too).

As for questions, I'll wait until I can read a bit more for now.
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Posted 8/6/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:
Ouch! I guess you didn't like it all that much?!

Well it is a rough draft so there were bound to be a lot of mistakes and errors. Thanks for letting me know what changes I should make for the next draft

Any questions you would like to ask me?


Haha, its not that I didn't like it. I actually think this premise could be really cool. It just was clearly lacking polish and I feel it fell into the exposition trap which is really easy to fall into at the beginning of stories (I've had problems with that too).

As for questions, I'll wait until I can read a bit more for now.


I don't know why I suck at tenses and showing not telling. But when it comes to creativity I am pretty good at it.
bgunit 
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Say guys what do you think about my light novel story: http://www.crunchyroll.com/forumtopic-923065/kamen-rider-x-light-novels-crossover
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