Post Reply Can someone help me with this story plot?
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 9/3/16
Title: Armored Warrior SAVIOR

Genres: Drama, Military, Science-Fiction, Mecha, Tragedy, War, and Hurt/Comfort

POV: Third-Person

Plot: Mankind is divided into two species known as Promethean and Neo-Sapien. Prometheans and Neo-Sapiens reside on the planet Gaea where the world has advanced in technology. But the Prometheans are constantly oppressed by the Neo-Sapiens who are heavily racist. In the year 5009 NIRE, Arikaishan Neo-Sapien and Grand-General name Maxwell von Frederick assassinated the Promethean High-Emperor Nicholas then later conquered the nation. Maxwell also Invaded and conquered other Promethean nations and turned them into districts. Those nations were stripped of their rights, freedom, name, culture, and traditions. Lastly, Maxwell started the Promethean Holocaust which thirty million Prometheans were captured and placed in concentration camps to be tortured. Tired of the hate crimes and oppression, twenty billion Prometheans fled Gaea and found life on a planet not too far from Gaea. They named the planet Eathrion and Prometheans lived peacefully on the planet. The Prometheans remaining on planet Gaea are only ten billion while the rest are Neo-Sapiens. The actions that Maxwell did and other Neo-Sapiens like him caused a world war that lasted for twenty long years After the war ended, five nations rise to becoming superpowered nations. Those nations are Arikaisha, Kenorland, Thulaiborg, Britannia, and Zaepathia. Along came the four powerful orgainzations known as FUIN, NRA, CUFF, and EAON. The planet Gaea is divided even more because of the war. The year is 5055 NIRE and the planet of Eathrion gets attacked by Gaea. The planets fought in a brutal galactic war that last for five years until the FUIN organization stopped the war. Nobody won. During the year 5060 NIRE on Gaea and Eathrion, things remain somewhat peaceful. Back on Gaea, the Prometheans of the districts are fighting back against the Neo-Sapiens with their Valkyrie and Hummingbird mechs. The story centers on a six people who are caught in the middle of the immense conflict and are trying to fight their way through it. They'll each pilot their own SAVIOR mechs to help them win against the enemy. Can they survive?


Main Characters

Demetrius Zachariah Alexander Lucian Eisenhower-Arionheart: Grand-Prince of Kenorland/Noble House Clansman

Carrera Anthonia Juliandra Lisara Veckendeck-Lilsmen: Crown Princess of Amon/Noble House Clanswoman

Matthias Donovan Nicholas Alistair Havencrown: Royal House Clansman/Prince

Avangelina Seraphina Maiandra Lisanna Royalhart: Grand-Princess of Arikaisha

Christopher Dominick Alessandro Siegfried: Noble House Clansman/Lord Knight

Rosaria Millicent Tiara Richmond: Noble House Clanswoman/Lady Knight



If you have any questions, please feel free to ask them. I have to make this plot sound good enough but I lost on how. Got any tiny advice on what to do?



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Posted 9/3/16
What exactly do you want help with? I've said this before, but what you just wrote isn't a plot, it is backstory. It tells me very little about the actual plot of your story. Think about it like this: If a story goes from point C to D, what you just told me went from point A to C. For my story, I have a backstory in my head, but virtually none of it actually went down on paper, because the reader doesn't need to know (creating a good world involves making the world feel like it stretches out in every direction, not actually writing about what happens in every direction). So I'm not really sure how you want help...
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 9/3/16

sundin13 wrote:

What exactly do you want help with? I've said this before, but what you just wrote isn't a plot, it is backstory. It tells me very little about the actual plot of your story. Think about it like this: If a story goes from point C to D, what you just told me went from point A to C. For my story, I have a backstory in my head, but virtually none of it actually went down on paper, because the reader doesn't need to know (creating a good world involves making the world feel like it stretches out in every direction, not actually writing about what happens in every direction). So I'm not really sure how you want help...



That's just it. It doesn't sound like a plot and I feel like it's all over the place. I want the six characters to do something while there is a war but I'm not sure what.


Sorry.
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Posted 9/3/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

What exactly do you want help with? I've said this before, but what you just wrote isn't a plot, it is backstory. It tells me very little about the actual plot of your story. Think about it like this: If a story goes from point C to D, what you just told me went from point A to C. For my story, I have a backstory in my head, but virtually none of it actually went down on paper, because the reader doesn't need to know (creating a good world involves making the world feel like it stretches out in every direction, not actually writing about what happens in every direction). So I'm not really sure how you want help...



That's just it. It doesn't sound like a plot and I feel like it's all over the place. I want the six characters to do something while there is a war but I'm not sure what.


Sorry.


Well, like I said, what you have takes us from A to B. A plot would take us from B to C. So what you need to do is sit down and think about stories. How do you start? What are the main internal conflicts? What are the main external conflicts? Do you use a 3 act structure (if so, what happens in each of the three acts)? Et cetera.

Stop thinking so much about the setting and the backstory and start thinking about the plot.
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Posted 9/3/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

What exactly do you want help with? I've said this before, but what you just wrote isn't a plot, it is backstory. It tells me very little about the actual plot of your story. Think about it like this: If a story goes from point C to D, what you just told me went from point A to C. For my story, I have a backstory in my head, but virtually none of it actually went down on paper, because the reader doesn't need to know (creating a good world involves making the world feel like it stretches out in every direction, not actually writing about what happens in every direction). So I'm not really sure how you want help...



That's just it. It doesn't sound like a plot and I feel like it's all over the place. I want the six characters to do something while there is a war but I'm not sure what.


Sorry.


Well, like I said, what you have takes us from A to B. A plot would take us from B to C. So what you need to do is sit down and think about stories. How do you start? What are the main internal conflicts? What are the main external conflicts? Do you use a 3 act structure (if so, what happens in each of the three acts)? Et cetera.

Stop thinking so much about the setting and the backstory and start thinking about the plot.




Alright then. Thanks again for the help.
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Posted 9/3/16
I agree with Sundin, so will not beat any dead horses


But I do have a suggestion about naming: With characters named such titles as "Demetrius Zachariah Alexander Lucian Eisenhower-Arionheart" and "Avangelina Seraphina Maiandra Lisanna Royalhart" (Though all of them have some pretty unique names, I just picked two at random), then you kind of set yourself up for something less serious. The only thing I can think at all upon hearing those names is "Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade", which I do not tend to associate with a serious plot (Tragedy/war/hurt/comfort/etc.)

Anyway, that's just a really picky thing...but I would suggest using less "out there" naming...but that's just me, if you believe it fits your concept well, then keep it
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Posted 9/3/16

Lord_Jordan wrote:

I agree with Sundin, so will not beat any dead horses


But I do have a suggestion about naming: With characters named such titles as "Demetrius Zachariah Alexander Lucian Eisenhower-Arionheart" and "Avangelina Seraphina Maiandra Lisanna Royalhart" (Though all of them have some pretty unique names, I just picked two at random), then you kind of set yourself up for something less serious. The only thing I can think at all upon hearing those names is "Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade", which I do not tend to associate with a serious plot (Tragedy/war/hurt/comfort/etc.)

Anyway, that's just a really picky thing...but I would suggest using less "out there" naming...but that's just me, if you believe it fits your concept well, then keep it


So the names of the characters don't work for the story?
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Posted 9/3/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


Lord_Jordan wrote:

I agree with Sundin, so will not beat any dead horses


But I do have a suggestion about naming: With characters named such titles as "Demetrius Zachariah Alexander Lucian Eisenhower-Arionheart" and "Avangelina Seraphina Maiandra Lisanna Royalhart" (Though all of them have some pretty unique names, I just picked two at random), then you kind of set yourself up for something less serious. The only thing I can think at all upon hearing those names is "Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade", which I do not tend to associate with a serious plot (Tragedy/war/hurt/comfort/etc.)

Anyway, that's just a really picky thing...but I would suggest using less "out there" naming...but that's just me, if you believe it fits your concept well, then keep it


So the names of the characters don't work for the story?


In my opinion, they are far too long/complex. Unless there is some significance of naming in your story, they seem like random names (albeit cool) jumbled together for the sake of having long names

Again though, just my opinion :D
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Posted 9/3/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


Lord_Jordan wrote:

I agree with Sundin, so will not beat any dead horses


But I do have a suggestion about naming: With characters named such titles as "Demetrius Zachariah Alexander Lucian Eisenhower-Arionheart" and "Avangelina Seraphina Maiandra Lisanna Royalhart" (Though all of them have some pretty unique names, I just picked two at random), then you kind of set yourself up for something less serious. The only thing I can think at all upon hearing those names is "Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade", which I do not tend to associate with a serious plot (Tragedy/war/hurt/comfort/etc.)

Anyway, that's just a really picky thing...but I would suggest using less "out there" naming...but that's just me, if you believe it fits your concept well, then keep it


So the names of the characters don't work for the story?


In general, sticking to a "first-name, last-name" system for naming is your best bet. As with all jargon or made up words, by the time the reader gets to the third word, it just starts sounding like "blah blah blah" because these words don't mean anything to them. Because of that, it will be harder for them to remember names which just generally makes the story harder to follow and less fun to read. Really unless you are trying to be outlandish (mostly for a joke), I don't think there is much of a reason to break the two-part naming convention.
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Posted 9/3/16

Lord_Jordan wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


Lord_Jordan wrote:

I agree with Sundin, so will not beat any dead horses


But I do have a suggestion about naming: With characters named such titles as "Demetrius Zachariah Alexander Lucian Eisenhower-Arionheart" and "Avangelina Seraphina Maiandra Lisanna Royalhart" (Though all of them have some pretty unique names, I just picked two at random), then you kind of set yourself up for something less serious. The only thing I can think at all upon hearing those names is "Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade", which I do not tend to associate with a serious plot (Tragedy/war/hurt/comfort/etc.)

Anyway, that's just a really picky thing...but I would suggest using less "out there" naming...but that's just me, if you believe it fits your concept well, then keep it


So the names of the characters don't work for the story?


In my opinion, they are far too long/complex. Unless there is some significance of naming in your story, they seem like random names (albeit cool) jumbled together for the sake of having long names

Again though, just my opinion :D


They're royals and in my world it is very common for royals to have long names. Trust me, people won't be calling out their whole names just their first.
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Posted 9/3/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


Lord_Jordan wrote:

I agree with Sundin, so will not beat any dead horses


But I do have a suggestion about naming: With characters named such titles as "Demetrius Zachariah Alexander Lucian Eisenhower-Arionheart" and "Avangelina Seraphina Maiandra Lisanna Royalhart" (Though all of them have some pretty unique names, I just picked two at random), then you kind of set yourself up for something less serious. The only thing I can think at all upon hearing those names is "Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade", which I do not tend to associate with a serious plot (Tragedy/war/hurt/comfort/etc.)

Anyway, that's just a really picky thing...but I would suggest using less "out there" naming...but that's just me, if you believe it fits your concept well, then keep it


So the names of the characters don't work for the story?


In general, sticking to a "first-name, last-name" system for naming is your best bet. As with all jargon or made up words, by the time the reader gets to the third word, it just starts sounding like "blah blah blah" because these words don't mean anything to them. Because of that, it will be harder for them to remember names which just generally makes the story harder to follow and less fun to read. Really unless you are trying to be outlandish (mostly for a joke), I don't think there is much of a reason to break the two-part naming convention.


Alright. I'll shorten it to first name, one middle name, and a surname. It's just that they are royalty and it is very common for them to have long names.
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Posted 9/3/16


Okay then XD It is always up to the author, so I shall support the creative decisions taken...though I do recommend possibly having a reason in story for it, it is up to you
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Posted 9/3/16

Lord_Jordan wrote:



Okay then XD It is always up to the author, so I shall support the creative decisions taken...though I do recommend possibly having a reason in story for it, it is up to you


Alrighty then.
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Posted 9/3/16
I'll be back. I'm making a lot of changes that will be put in a new thread.
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Posted 10/10/16
This may be standard fare, but a common plot tool you can use is to interject an antagonist and/or some problem for your protagonist(s) to overcome. It could be anything from inclimate weather with deadly consequences to an opponent with god-like powers. With an issue to face, the plot tends to develop naturally.

Also, look up chiasm. Very strong plot tool.

Hope I have been of help.
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