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Post Reply Your opinion on age gaps Pt.2
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Posted 9/16/16
Essentially my last post was what you thought about an age gap that was, 4 year and 4 months. Most of which said it was okay if it was legal. My next question to that because I've been during to know and since the last post actually consisted of people being mature about it and didn't blow up into something irrelevant to the topic so,
Would you approve or be in a relationship in which the age gap consisted of someone "underaged" if it was legal? let's not judge people please if they would its an opinion. If it isn't similar to yours suck it up and leave the post, thanks guys ^-^
Posted 9/16/16 , edited 9/16/16
Honestly if it was legal then it would be the norm so no one would bat an eye. People back in the day got married at 12 and had kids by 13. Only reason it's a big moral no no now is because of how culture has changed.
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Posted 9/16/16

Blackbutler3000 wrote:

Essentially my last post was what you thought about an age gap that was, 4 year and 4 months. Most of which said it was okay if it was legal. My next question to that because I've been during to know and since the last post actually consisted of people being mature about it and didn't blow up into something irrelevant to the topic so,
Would you approve or be in a relationship in which the age gap consisted of someone "underaged" if it was legal? let's not judge people please if they would its an opinion. If it isn't similar to yours suck it up and leave the post, thanks guys ^-^


If you're using the word underage then you know it will be illegal because that term applies to being "under the legal age". Of course legal age varies from country to country. No, I would not approve of under the legal age romances. There is too much of a maturity difference and power difference going on.
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Posted 9/16/16 , edited 9/16/16

tkayt wrote:


Blackbutler3000 wrote:

Essentially my last post was what you thought about an age gap that was, 4 year and 4 months. Most of which said it was okay if it was legal. My next question to that because I've been during to know and since the last post actually consisted of people being mature about it and didn't blow up into something irrelevant to the topic so,
Would you approve or be in a relationship in which the age gap consisted of someone "underaged" if it was legal? let's not judge people please if they would its an opinion. If it isn't similar to yours suck it up and leave the post, thanks guys ^-^


If you're using the word underage then you know it will be illegal because that term applies to being "under the legal age". Of course legal age varies from country to country. No, I would not approve of under the legal age romances. There is too much of a maturity difference and power difference going on.


The question is if it wasn't illegal sorry to say ^^ (ugh clicked post too early my bad) in addition to that, underaged was put in quotes because people often refer to a minor as underaged and even if it became legal over night or something silly like that, people would still say they're underaged. So that's why that is there. ^^ hopefully that better explains the question set up.
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Posted 9/16/16

Hail_King_Kakao wrote:

Honestly if it was legal then it would be the norm so no one would bat an eye. People back in the day got married at 12 and had kids by 13. Only reason it's a big moral no no now is because of how culture has changed.


Yea it wasn't that long ago that it was okies to do that lol.
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Posted 9/16/16 , edited 9/16/16
As @tkayt alludes above,
Regardless of 'legality', and irrespective of whether a superficial layer of affection exists, the crucial litmus test for whether a relationship can be considered 'good' or 'bad' from a moral standpoint comes down to mental and emotional maturity of each partner, and whether any power imbalance exists.

Plenty of 'legal' relationships in terms of age are still morally very bad, precisely because of lack of maturity and/or a power imbalance. Power imbalances combined with emotional and mental immaturity are the prime cause of domestic violence, and that exists for relationships between people who have been unquestionably physically mature for decades, but where one partner still acts like they are on a power trip in a school playground, and their partner is a victim to be bullied, tricked, or manoeuvered into giving them whatever they want. The partner being abused in this relationship often has insufficient self esteem and zero experience with a better partner, and assumes they are better off with the devil they know, or that this abusive relationship is 'normal', or that they don't deserve any better.
It is usually impossible from within the relationship for people to accept that they are in a 'bad' relationship, and this is why police cannot stand to deal with domestic violence, because the abused partner will usually refuse to press charges against the abuser, leaving the police powerless to protect them. Domestic Violence Orders issued by courts are worthless because they are unpoliceable.

Knowing that these problems exist even for grown adults, it is almost inconceivable that a very young person could be emotionally and mentally mature AND be in a position of power to the extent they are comfortable with the advancement of a relationship at what THEY deem to be a reasonable pace, (and that the young person knows what a reasonable pace should even be), and that when they say NO at any point, the older partner won't resent them for it or attempt to force the situation.

Having said that, it makes it all the more important for young people to learn as soon as possible about the importance of self-respect, self-esteem, to learn about the extremely varied spectrum of human sexuality, and that NO ONE ELSE has the right to touch or control any part of their body.
Actively teaching children such that they can develop a level of maturity from adequate internalisation and conceptualisation of the issues surrounding sexual identity and relationships, most likely won't have full impact until they reach a certain stage of cognitive development.
Piaget names this stage of cognitive development "Formal Operational Stage", and it usually occurs at or after the age of 11 when children can understand consequences and understand abstract concepts such as 'justice', and go beyond simplistic reasoning of not doing something because they were told it was 'wrong' or 'bad', into developing their own moral compass of understanding the reasoning WHY something is 'wrong' or 'bad'.
That's not to say children younger cannot be influenced positively or negatively by issues surrounding gender and sexual identity at a much earlier age -
Kohlberg's theory of gender identity accepts that children begin to learn about gender differences and roles and stereotypes from observation of their surroundings around the age of 5. Although the children do not yet place specific importances on gender, it is a useful albeit malleable label to differentiate between behaviours, looks, clothing, speech, etc. of people they interact with, most notably their parents and playmates, and it forms habitualisation and acceptance of what is deemed 'normal' and 'acceptable'.

Gender stereotypes, censorship and hiding the truth about human sexuality from children, or worse, feeding them with homophobia and other forms of hatred, is exactly what leads to emotional and mental immaturity regarding sexual relationships.
It also creates repression of one's own true sexual identity through fear, only to have that expressed later in abuse of their own children or self-hating violent acts against target groups.
Widespread victim-blaming culture, excuses given from public figures such as 'boys will be boys', patriarchal judicial systems, and quasi-religious fundamentalism which dis-empowers and infantilises women is exactly what leads to power imbalances between partners, and continued domestic violence.
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Posted 9/16/16
The age of consent is different in a lot of countries, here in Sweden it's 14 and nobody is pulling their hair about it.
Thing is that the culture here in Sweden is plenty different from let's say; American culture, and even though it's legal for you to be with a 14-year-old, it's still very rare to see cases of anyone above 19-20 being with one.

There is the norm of 19-year-olds being with 30-year-olds though, and you'll see that everywhere. So even though the law doesn't prevent you from it, the general consensus is that if you're a grown-up; 19-up is the acceptable age and anything below that will be at least questioned.
__
With that in mind, I don't think there is an actual moral to what is "right and wrong" about age on consent, only a societal/cultural norm... and actual facts/studies of how this kind of relationship would affect and pre-adolescent mind.

Fact is that children often do not understand how their actions will be viewed by society, for example:
A child walks into a store and eats a piece of candy, now mind that nobody has told this child that this would be theft, so the store-owner comes up to him and starts scolding him that he CANNOT do that.

Now the child feels guilty and the store-owner proud that he taught the kid a lesson.

Who do you think should feel bad?

Is the owner right in applying his morals onto an ignorant child?

Do you believe that this will affect the kid positively or negatively?


See... If a grown-up could do this, he would first have to consider the consequences weighting how society will receive his actions and then commit the crime. In a nutshel, it is for this very same reason that pedophilia is a problem.
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Posted 9/16/16
I would not object, under certain conditions. It isn't actually illegal to be in a relationship with a minor as it is; what is illegal is to have sexual relations with a minor. That aside, it is entirely a subjective opinion based on moral perceptions, and generally speaking, society sees anyone under a certain age to be "pure," "innocent," "unprepared," etc. without giving thought to the fact that this "purity" hasn't stopped youths from drinking, smoking, getting high, having sex with their peers, stealing, and so on--I mean, a lot of teens are having kids at 14 and 15, and that number grows higher with time; my freshman year of high school there were two pregnancies in my class of 32 and another three throughout the student body. With that in mind, I would place a hard limit on the minimum age at some point where the minor actually has some sense of what a relationship is--teen at least (13.)
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Posted 9/16/16 , edited 9/16/16

Blackbutler3000

The question is if it wasn't illegal sorry to say ^^ (ugh clicked post too early my bad) in addition to that, underaged was put in quotes because people often refer to a minor as underaged and even if it became legal over night or something silly like that, people would still say they're underaged. So that's why that is there. ^^ hopefully that better explains the question set up.


My answer would still be the same. The maturity level and power levels are not equal which makes it extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship and can even be harmful. Some underage teens can and do have consentual relationships. There will be some disapproval about this but it will be accepted that this is within their peer group. What will be less accepted and even reported as statutory rape is when an underage person is with an adult. Even if the law was not there as a guideline many would still see it as a problem which is why laws for this were developed in the first place.

Long ago such unequal relationships were accepted because the view was solely on the one with the most power in the relationship and the other one was an acquisition. With human rights today we recognise that everyone should be taken in to full consideration.

When I was a teen my best friend who was a bit older, started a relationship with a much older man. She was 16 and he was in his 30s. She worried about disapproval so introduced him as her uncle. Later I took her aside and told her outright not to lie to me. She admitted it. I did not like it but I could see why she needed a relationship in that manner. She comes from a very deprived family who were also neglectful and abusive. Sometimes she did not have food to eat so we told her to come over to our home when she needed to for a meal. She used the relationship to escape from that. He gave her funds to finish her education because she was not in school. She also now had clothing, food and a safe home. She did eventually have a child for him and the relationship did end. He did continue to help co-parent his child.

I had men approach me from the age of 12. I also looked younger than my age. I did my best to avoid them because I was aware that.
1) I was not mature enough for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with anyone at that time
2) I was not ready for any sexual relationship at all, if or when that time came I would want to be on the same level with that other person.
3) I had already seen, heard and witnessed what an abusive relationship looked like. I knew that at my age then I was a ripe target for that.
4) I was still in school and had to concentrate on school attendance and work.
5)I was not ready for pregnancy or parenthood. If I'm going to be going down the romantic relationship route sooner or later babies will be involved. I was not ready for the responsibility to seek out contraception. I was not ready to stand my ground on safe sex matters. I was not ready for dealing with the stigma of being an underage mother. (In the Caribbean many are religious, attending churches, temples, mandirs, mosques weekly. It was known that some families will disown an unmarried teen mother leaving them homeless and penniless. Abortion is illegal so any pregnancy must be carried to term unless there is a medical condition threatening the mother's life. Places of worship would either ban them or put them in some sort of corner of shame seating. Young teen mothers lose school places. In theory you can have time out to have the baby and if you have family and friends supporting with babysitting you can return. In reality your school will refuse to have you back citing you as a bad model example. If you're very lucky you may get a transfer place. Mostly it mean no more education. One classmate could not return to school because of this)

The next person I knew who had such a relationship was 14 and he was 24. She did come from a dysfunctional home. She ended up with a baby and scorn from the whole neighbourhood. One of her family threatened to shoot the man. He could have been reported but that did not happen. It turned out that he also impregnated a woman close to his age at the same time. He never gave a penny or time to help raise any of his children.
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Posted 9/16/16 , edited 9/16/16

tkayt wrote:


Blackbutler3000

The question is if it wasn't illegal sorry to say ^^ (ugh clicked post too early my bad) in addition to that, underaged was put in quotes because people often refer to a minor as underaged and even if it became legal over night or something silly like that, people would still say they're underaged. So that's why that is there. ^^ hopefully that better explains the question set up.


My answer would still be the same. The maturity level and power levels are not equal which makes it extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship and can even be harmful. Some underage teens can and do have consentual relationships. There will be some disapproval about this but it will be accepted that this is within their peer group. What will be less accepted and even reported as statutory rape is when an underage person is with an adult. Even if the law was not there as a guideline many would still see it as a problem which is why laws for this were developed in the first place.

Long ago such unequal relationships were accepted because the view was solely on the one with the most power in the relationship and the other one was an acquisition. With human rights today we recognise that everyone should be taken in to full consideration.

When I was a teen my best friend who was a bit older, started a relationship with a much older man. She was 16 and he was in his 30s. She worried about disapproval so introduced him as her uncle. Later I took her aside and told her outright not to lie to me. She admitted it. I did not like it but I could see why she needed a relationship in that manner. She comes from a very deprived family who were also neglectful and abusive. Sometimes she did not have food to eat so we told her to come over to our home when she needed to for a meal. She used the relationship to escape from that. He gave her funds to finish her education because she was not in school. She also now had clothing, food and a safe home. She did eventually have a child for him and the relationship did end. He did continue to help co-parent his child.

I had men approach me from the age of 12. I also looked younger than my age. I did my best to avoid them because I was aware that.
1) I was not mature enough for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with anyone at that time
2) I was not ready for any sexual relationship at all, if or when that time came I would want to be on the same level with that other person.
3) I had already seen, heard and witnessed what an abusive relationship looked like. I knew that at my age then I was a ripe target for that.
4) I was still in school and had to concentrate on school attendance and work.
5)I was not ready for pregnancy or parenthood. If I'm going to be going down the romantic relationship route sooner or later babies will be involved. I was not ready for the responsibility to seek out contraception. I was not ready to stand my ground on safe sex matters. I was not ready for dealing with the stigma of being an underage mother. (In the Caribbean many are religious, attending churches, temples, mandirs, mosques weekly. It was known that some families will disown an unmarried teen mother leaving them homeless and penniless. Abortion is illegal so any pregnancy must be carried to term unless there is a medical condition threatening the mother's life. Places of worship would either ban them or put them in some sort of corner of shame seating. Young teen mothers lose school places. In theory you can have time out to have the baby and if you have family and friends supporting with babysitting you can return. In reality your school will refuse to have you back citing you as a bad model example. If you're very lucky you may get a transfer place. Mostly it mean no more education. One classmate could not return to school because of this)

The next person I knew who had such a relationship was 14 and he was 24. She did come from a dysfunctional home. She ended up with a baby and scorn from the whole neighbourhood. One of her family threatened to shoot the man. He could have been reported but that did not happen. It turned out that he also impregnated a woman close to his age at the same time. He never gave a penny or time to help raise any of his children.


Being a female who's dated 30 year old+ men the relationships usually do work out in a good way I'm not saying that were soul mates or something bizzare I am saying though that they ended on a good note rather than a case in which (I've had before) , cheating, uh unwanted contact. I usually date people who tend to be older than me because

1. Maturity, I'm not saying age defines your maturity but I am saying in fact the boys around my age tend to not be serious and it turns into a one night stand rather than a second date. Idk if that makes sense. 2. Respect. Older men tend to have more respect for me as a person they don't want my money if I say no its no. I explain why if it is a no and we move on and they're usually patient about waiting. In which younger men even in early 20s don't have.(patience) and boys near my age, which is getting close to being an adult in a legal sense, tend to have no respect.

I've had more guys my age try to pull things like sex or try to push that on me than older men. Not saying there aren't case in which older men have not been patient nor has there been case in which younger guys weren't respectful all in all experience I've had there's reasons why I tend to lean more towards older men. This being age gaps more than nearly 10 years. Which to most seems like a big deal because of maturity being on an entirely different scale but with the patience in mind and with both of us on a level in which we can be in a committed relationship it tends to work out. I do have moments in which I am immature via my pride. Which is immature because I always put that in front of everything. In some senses it can be great but in my case it is not.

All in all I really do think it depends on the person. Because there are people out there who before 16 knew more than most people her age -waves hands around- and there are also people who are in there bloody 40s and has the same (strictly the same) mentality of a 12 year old. Via my stepdad which is gone now because of that mentaily.
I also think that in a sense of being with an older person this can help out a younger person who hasn't experienced (most likely) as much as the older has. This opens up room to become mature just as fast for someone like me who hasn't exactly had the right childhood. Reality hit me sooner than most. But even with that reality check I still lacked things like a father/ mother role in general family. When an older guy comes in and proves he can make that commitment it often strikes a cord in people in my situation. A cord that often younger people can't do because they're young. They don't want to have a sit down relationship just yet they want to do them. Etc. I'm completely rambling now.

In addition to your last para about the last person you knew. There are always cases like that and in fact the last sentence in which he didn't pay for anything regarding the children and mom. That happens across the board and more often than not happens in realtionships that are young (minors) they aren't committed so the sense of having to sit down with this person because I got them pregnant ends up making a guy leave. Unless they can handle the fact that hey I did get this girl pregnant maybe I should stay to help out knowing she won't be able to really support it by herself. Then you have douches like in that case who to begin with just wanted to beat and leave which is truly sad and thankfully I was able to avoid a similar situation with a guy who actually was 17 me being 16.

I do apologize if any of the words or sentences don't make sense or are misspelled I usually go through right after and spell check basically lol. I'm on my phone so sometimes even the most clear words/ sentences gets autoed into this mess.
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Posted 9/16/16
to each his own as the saying goes, or her.
coming from a guy who's never really had a girlfriend
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Posted 9/16/16

stoner789 wrote:

to each his own as the saying goes, or her.
coming from a guy who's never really had a girlfriend


Aww why not?
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Posted 9/16/16 , edited 9/16/16

Blackbutler3000 wrote:


stoner789 wrote:

to each his own as the saying goes, or her.
coming from a guy who's never really had a girlfriend


Aww why not?


I don't take a lead.
I did ask a girl out before but got shot down
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Posted 9/16/16

stoner789 wrote:


Blackbutler3000 wrote:


stoner789 wrote:

to each his own as the saying goes, or her.
coming from a guy who's never really had a girlfriend


Aww why not?


I don't take a lead.
I did ask a girl out before but got shot down


Why on earth would anyone deny you that's sad
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Posted 9/16/16

Blackbutler3000 wrote:


stoner789 wrote:


Blackbutler3000 wrote:


stoner789 wrote:

to each his own as the saying goes, or her.
coming from a guy who's never really had a girlfriend


Aww why not?


I don't take a lead.
I did ask a girl out before but got shot down


Why on earth would anyone deny you that's sad


*tells life story*

idk
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