Post Reply just a shitty poem
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Posted 9/21/16 , edited 9/21/16
Woke up in the AM with nothing to lose
Walked out to hear some terrible news
Happiness is temporary you always catch the blues
Concentrating on the finger when your pointing to the moon
I can't help, but think about my end
People will switch up on you then call you a friend
So when they say that i'm lost but i'm only
Following my path to finally die lonely
No one can show me what's actuality
Life's a bitch and that's the reality
In my inner battle i'm the only casualty
But Shiva showed me this world is a tragedy
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Posted 9/21/16
Haha sweet
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Posted 9/21/16
Omg I loved this ^_^ nice job
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Posted 10/7/16
Sorry to necro this but as a fellow poet and literature major I thought I'd provide some critqiue.

Woke up in the AM with nothing to lose.
Walked out to hear some terrible news,
Happiness is temporary, you always catch the blues.
Concentrating on the finger when your pointing to the moon.
I can't help, but think about my end,
People will switch up on you then call you a friend.
So when they say that I'm lost but I'm only
Following my path to finally die lonely.
No one can show me what's actuality,
Life's a bitch and that's the reality.
In my inner battle I'm the only casualty,
But Shiva showed me this world is a tragedy


That's the poem without typos, poetry isn't exempt from punctuation.
The structure is as important as the content of a poem, so ask yourself. Why did you write entirely in rhyming couplets? What did it achieve? What did you intend to acheive with this?
Shakespearian sonnets for example are 14 lines, finishing with a rhyming couplet that allows for a feeling of finality to your poem.
My biggest criticism would be the cliche within the poem. "Life's a bitch", "nothing to lose" etc. Poetry is about capturing your world from your perspective, if you see a Blackbird what is the unique way you see it? Do you see the world in cliches? Is the Blackbird as black as night for you, or is the Blackbird like the blotted sun?

Perhaps my words are harsh, I'm not trying to discourage you from writing poetry, you have much refinement needed to capture your ideas. Luckily you are young so you have time to improve, Walt Whitman was middle aged when he wrote his greatest verses.
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Posted 10/8/16
Too much Alan Watts
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Posted 10/10/16

JollyClaret wrote:

Sorry to necro this but as a fellow poet and literature major I thought I'd provide some critqiue.

Woke up in the AM with nothing to lose.
Walked out to hear some terrible news,
Happiness is temporary, you always catch the blues.
Concentrating on the finger when your pointing to the moon.
I can't help, but think about my end,
People will switch up on you then call you a friend.
So when they say that I'm lost but I'm only
Following my path to finally die lonely.
No one can show me what's actuality,
Life's a bitch and that's the reality.
In my inner battle I'm the only casualty,
But Shiva showed me this world is a tragedy


That's the poem without typos, poetry isn't exempt from punctuation.
The structure is as important as the content of a poem, so ask yourself. Why did you write entirely in rhyming couplets? What did it achieve? What did you intend to acheive with this?
Shakespearian sonnets for example are 14 lines, finishing with a rhyming couplet that allows for a feeling of finality to your poem.
My biggest criticism would be the cliche within the poem. "Life's a bitch", "nothing to lose" etc. Poetry is about capturing your world from your perspective, if you see a Blackbird what is the unique way you see it? Do you see the world in cliches? Is the Blackbird as black as night for you, or is the Blackbird like the blotted sun?

Perhaps my words are harsh, I'm not trying to discourage you from writing poetry, you have much refinement needed to capture your ideas. Luckily you are young so you have time to improve, Walt Whitman was middle aged when he wrote his greatest verses.


Oh haha i'm not a poet though, i'm more into rap and hip hop. Maybe that clears it up a little. Don't worry though i'm not into poetry like that i'm just messing around xD, but i do agree with your point about the cliche part and trying to capture the world from your perspective, as a rapper that applies to us as well, this was done quickly but i'll post a better one later. I'm definitely not too happy with this one, i'll let you know when i post my next one.
Posted 10/11/16

That's a rap
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