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Post Reply Kaleidoscope
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Posted 9/22/16 , edited 9/23/16
So here is chapter one and two of Kaleidoscope. My new story.

Warning: These are rough drafts so there are going to be errors. These are also long chapters. Read it when you have free time and patience.

Ask me ANYTHING about the characters and the story. I shall do my very best to answer them. These are written like plays. I'll do a better job at making it proper later.

Chapter One(Rough Draft)




Enjoy!!!












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Posted 9/22/16
Chapter Two(Rough Draft):








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Posted 9/22/16
Lend me your thoughts on this.
qwueri 
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Posted 9/23/16
I've only had the chance to read the first bit of chapter one, but here's my initial thoughts:

Keep in mind when writing for a play that he audience will have visual queues. The narrator should not need to note that it starts in the kitchen or any actions of the actors. Those should be separately noted in the manuscript. Use the narrator to introduce the audience to relevant information that the audience does not immediately see from the actors.

If Avangelina is chopping onions she is preparing, not cooking, the stew.

Keep a visual of what the Audience will see from the front, middle, and back rows. Small actions like licking of lips may not be seen well by the audience. Part of why actors tend to milk giant invisible cows (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MilkingTheGiantCow). Rubbing her stomach might be a better expression in this case.

The dialogue feels unnatural when Avagelina starts talking about her relation to Majandra. What emotion should she be feeling when saying this? Where did this idea come from? And why is what would typically be a very painful exchange between the two treated without emotion and immediately dropped? It feels like each bit of dialogue is a description of where you want the plot to go, rather than characters with their own thoughts and feelings expressing themselves in the moment. The bit between Avangelina and Brandon feels more natural, if a bit melodramatic for a love confession.

I'll try to go through the rest later.
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Posted 9/23/16
Its tough for me to comment as I don't really understand the format. Should I be critiquing it as a play? If so, are you thinking about things like set design and audience perspective? Or should I be critiquing it as a book?

For now, I'll make a few general comments (though I only read part of chapter 1).

1) You could do more in constructing a scene. Think about beginning middle and end and more flow when writing a scene. It shouldn't just be things happening for a few pages and then all of the sudden things happen elsewhere.
2) Your characters could be more clearly defined. Try to write them a little more consistently and emphasize who they are a little more.
3) Sending the main character away seemed a bit weak and it made the idea feel hard to believe. You are working with a core idea which is hard to believe in and of itself so you really need to sell it.
4) I feel like there are too many characters for any of them to really have room to breathe in the story.

Also, how old is the main character?
Also, I wanted to note how much this feels like Hanasaku Iroha.
qwueri 
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Posted 9/23/16
Finished reading through chapter 1. The characters feel like they are reading from the story outline and acting accordingly. I recommend taking some time and fleshing out the idea of who each character is, what their motivations are, and how they are feeling at any given time. Especially the main character, who feels like she's just yanked from scene to scene and going along with whatever is thrown at her with no reason or motivations of her own.

In addition, show don't tell probably applies even more to plays than novels or short stories. If your character hates doing laundry, she needs to show that she hates doing laundry. Something as simple as a groan or dramatic as a tantrum, whatever is appropriate for the moment.

Finally, it's mentioned by two or three different characters just how famous Avangelina is. Once established that everyone knows her name, how will she feel about yet another "oh, you're ..."?
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Posted 9/24/16

sundin13 wrote:

Its tough for me to comment as I don't really understand the format. Should I be critiquing it as a play? If so, are you thinking about things like set design and audience perspective? Or should I be critiquing it as a book?

For now, I'll make a few general comments (though I only read part of chapter 1).

1) You could do more in constructing a scene. Think about beginning middle and end and more flow when writing a scene. It shouldn't just be things happening for a few pages and then all of the sudden things happen elsewhere.
2) Your characters could be more clearly defined. Try to write them a little more consistently and emphasize who they are a little more.
3) Sending the main character away seemed a bit weak and it made the idea feel hard to believe. You are working with a core idea which is hard to believe in and of itself so you really need to sell it.
4) I feel like there are too many characters for any of them to really have room to breathe in the story.

Also, how old is the main character?
Also, I wanted to note how much this feels like Hanasaku Iroha.


Critique it as a book.
The main character is sixteen years old.
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Posted 9/24/16

qualeshia3 wrote:

Critique it as a book.
The main character is sixteen years old.


Okay well with that information I have two more comments:
1) If it is meant to be read, more vivid imagery and more strongly designed settings would help. Unfortunately the format you are using doesn't really work too well for those things, so if you insist on keeping the format, I think you'll have to put extra work into establishing setting and making you imagery more vivid.
2) This is more of an extension of my earlier points 2 and 3, but when the main character learns that she will be staying there for four years (something which is hard to believe), her reaction is fairly emotionless. Try to express who the character is a little more in their dialogue (and make sure you show, not tell)
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Posted 9/24/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

Critique it as a book.
The main character is sixteen years old.


Okay well with that information I have two more comments:
1) If it is meant to be read, more vivid imagery and more strongly designed settings would help. Unfortunately the format you are using doesn't really work too well for those things, so if you insist on keeping the format, I think you'll have to put extra work into establishing setting and making you imagery more vivid.
2) This is more of an extension of my earlier points 2 and 3, but when the main character learns that she will be staying there for four years (something which is hard to believe), her reaction is fairly emotionless. Try to express who the character is a little more in their dialogue (and make sure you show, not tell)


Thanks.
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Posted 9/24/16
If you want me to elaborate on anything or give specifics, don't hesitate to ask.
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Posted 9/24/16 , edited 9/24/16

sundin13 wrote:

If you want me to elaborate on anything or give specifics, don't hesitate to ask.


Sure thing. I'll be making some changes to the plot and story to have it make sense.


What do you think of the characters in chapter 1 and 2?
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Posted 9/24/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

If you want me to elaborate on anything or give specifics, don't hesitate to ask.


Sure thing. I'll be making some changes to the plot and story to have it make sense.


What do you think of the characters in chapter 1 and 2?


As I said before, I think they need to be written with more emotion and personality. Make sure that the characters are the ones who are speaking and making decisions and not you as the writer. Also, I think that some of their introductions didn't feel purposeful. This has a lot to do with constructing a scene. For example, I don't think the dandelion event was a scene. Its just something that kind of happened. It didn't really have a progression or much of an impact. Try to think about scene structure when you are writing and not just about events. Doing that should make pretty much everything more memorable and give your characters more impact, as they wont feel as inconsequential.
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Posted 9/24/16

sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

If you want me to elaborate on anything or give specifics, don't hesitate to ask.


Sure thing. I'll be making some changes to the plot and story to have it make sense.


What do you think of the characters in chapter 1 and 2?


As I said before, I think they need to be written with more emotion and personality. Make sure that the characters are the ones who are speaking and making decisions and not you as the writer. Also, I think that some of their introductions didn't feel purposeful. This has a lot to do with constructing a scene. For example, I don't think the dandelion event was a scene. Its just something that kind of happened. It didn't really have a progression or much of an impact. Try to think about scene structure when you are writing and not just about events. Doing that should make pretty much everything more memorable and give your characters more impact, as they wont feel as inconsequential.


Okay. I think I'm going to put this novel to the side and focus on something else. I don't know where I want to go with this novel. I might come back to it. But Avangelina needs to be in a better story.
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Posted 9/24/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

If you want me to elaborate on anything or give specifics, don't hesitate to ask.


Sure thing. I'll be making some changes to the plot and story to have it make sense.


What do you think of the characters in chapter 1 and 2?


As I said before, I think they need to be written with more emotion and personality. Make sure that the characters are the ones who are speaking and making decisions and not you as the writer. Also, I think that some of their introductions didn't feel purposeful. This has a lot to do with constructing a scene. For example, I don't think the dandelion event was a scene. Its just something that kind of happened. It didn't really have a progression or much of an impact. Try to think about scene structure when you are writing and not just about events. Doing that should make pretty much everything more memorable and give your characters more impact, as they wont feel as inconsequential.


Okay. I think I'm going to put this novel to the side and focus on something else. I don't know where I want to go with this novel. I might come back to it. But Avangelina needs to be in a better story.


I've said this before, but I think your main challenge is finishing a story. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I think a lot can be learned by going through the full process of finishing something. If you don't want to stick with this story, thats your decision, but don't get too lost in getting everything perfect. Things come together more as you write and edit and rewrite so don't worry too much about criticism.
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Posted 9/25/16


Thanks for that.
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