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5643 cr points
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18 / M / Korriban
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Posted 10/10/16
I know you said you were setting this aside, but something to focus on: The dialogue seemed awkward/clunky. Sometimes characters would talk in one style (How are you doing, pinkie raised, monocle on, sipping tea), and then in another (What's haps fam? How 'ya doin'?, etc.)

Try to pick one style and stick with it. Everything else Sundin and Qwueri said applies as well
42532 cr points
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 10/10/16

Lord_Jordan wrote:

I know you said you were setting this aside, but something to focus on: The dialogue seemed awkward/clunky. Sometimes characters would talk in one style (How are you doing, pinkie raised, monocle on, sipping tea), and then in another (What's haps fam? How 'ya doin'?, etc.)

Try to pick one style and stick with it. Everything else Sundin and Qwueri said applies as well


Thank you.
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