Post Reply A Remake of an old story
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26 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 10/3/16
So I've decided to redo Melancholia Labyrinth into something else and I want some input on how the story is. Give me your comments and questions on the story. Let me know your thoughts.

Here is what the story is about.




Here is the rough draft to chapter one.

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19 / M / Winnipeg, MB.
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Posted 10/3/16
What are the themes though? And how are they reflected in the story?
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Posted 10/3/16

octorockandroll wrote:

What are the themes though? And how are they reflected in the story?


I never thought about that.
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Posted 10/3/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


octorockandroll wrote:

What are the themes though? And how are they reflected in the story?


I never thought about that.


Ah. Well that's be something you may want to take into consideration.
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Posted 10/3/16

octorockandroll wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


octorockandroll wrote:

What are the themes though? And how are they reflected in the story?


I never thought about that.


Ah. Well that's be something you may want to take into consideration.


Other than that, what did you think of the chapter and everything else?
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Posted 10/3/16

qualeshia3 wrote:


octorockandroll wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


octorockandroll wrote:

What are the themes though? And how are they reflected in the story?


I never thought about that.


Ah. Well that's be something you may want to take into consideration.


Other than that, what did you think of the chapter and everything else?


Oh I just read the about section as that alone seemed like enough procrastination on my part. It seemed nice though.
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26 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 10/3/16


Thank you.
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19 / M / Winnipeg, MB.
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Posted 10/3/16

qualeshia3 wrote:



Thank you.


You're welcome. ^_^
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Posted 10/3/16
I think this is written pretty well and I like the way you handled the main character in the interaction with her parents (less so her interaction with her guy friend).

Some critiques:
-Tenses are still a bit sloppy
-Work on showing instead of telling
-Think more about scenes and structuring scenes
-Sounds a bit like Hunger Games/Battle Royale
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Posted 10/3/16 , edited 10/3/16

sundin13 wrote:

I think this is written pretty well and I like the way you handled the main character in the interaction with her parents (less so her interaction with her guy friend).

Some critiques:
-Tenses are still a bit sloppy
-Work on showing instead of telling
-Think more about scenes and structuring scenes
-Sounds a bit like Hunger Games/Battle Royale


Thanks so much. I try. Anymore you would like to add?
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Posted 10/4/16 , edited 10/8/16
I'm sticking to this story and making a few changes. So I am redoing chapter one over again to make it look a little better,
qwueri 
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Posted 10/8/16
Unless your character is somehow omniscient, avoid summarizing events unless absolutely necessary. The opening of the letter feels like it should have weight and importance, but it's breezed through in a paragraph. I advise writing the scene out beat by beat from Amarantha's perspective, and what she's seeing and feeling at the time.

It bears repeating, show, don't tell. Picking on the last scene in particular:

My mother tries to comfort me but my father stops her. He wants her to let me cry a good long cry until I can't any more.

How does her mother go to comfort her, what does the father say and/or do to stop her? Does he say or do to make Amarantha think that he wants to let her cry?

For a first person narrative, only the narrative character is going to be able to tell the reader directly how they felt. The rest is observing others and sharing their perspective to the reader, or at least letting the reader infer through the other characters' actions.
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Posted 10/8/16

qwueri wrote:

Unless your character is somehow omniscient, avoid summarizing events unless absolutely necessary. The opening of the letter feels like it should have weight and importance, but it's breezed through in a paragraph. I advise writing the scene out beat by beat from Amarantha's perspective, and what she's seeing and feeling at the time.

It bears repeating, show, don't tell. Picking on the last scene in particular:

My mother tries to comfort me but my father stops her. He wants her to let me cry a good long cry until I can't any more.

How does her mother go to comfort her, what does the father say and/or do to stop her? Does he say or do to make Amarantha think that he wants to let her cry?

For a first person narrative, only the narrative character is going to be able to tell the reader directly how they felt. The rest is observing others and sharing their perspective to the reader, or at least letting the reader infer through the other characters' actions.


I suck at showing not telling and it shouldn't be like that.

What I meant was the mother was going to comfort Amarantha but was stopped by the father. I didn't explain it like that. Sorry.
qwueri 
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Posted 10/8/16

qualeshia3 wrote:

I suck at showing not telling and it shouldn't be like that.

What I meant was the mother was going to comfort Amarantha but was stopped by the father. I didn't explain it like that. Sorry.


There's no need to apologize, that just comes with practice.
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Posted 10/8/16

qwueri wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

I suck at showing not telling and it shouldn't be like that.

What I meant was the mother was going to comfort Amarantha but was stopped by the father. I didn't explain it like that. Sorry.


There's no need to apologize, that just comes with practice.


Thanks.
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