First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
Post Reply Be honest: Is this story boring?
24306 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / Various
Offline
Posted 10/24/16

qwueri wrote:

Are you set on purely following the narrative of one character? Growing a wallflower into a plot mover can be fun to watch, but not terribly interesting to follow until he starts growing. Contrasting his character with some of the more active players might help with the slow start.


So, there are the main duo, Evren and Aurelio, plus Calius and Kayir, plus Evren's aunt, and then Julia, from his troupe, comes in later.

I was thinking about bringing Aurelio in sooner, but a) ... I couldn't really find a way to make him fit, and I like the idea of introducing him by the window, all pretty and stuff... and b), well... he's even more passive.

There's Calius, and Kayir trying to make peace between him and Evren.

I could give Evren more... sort of dry/snarky thoughts? But I don't want to make him obnoxious like that. I find that sort of thing obnoxious a lot of the time.
(......... sooo much of this story comes from how this one anime had a character like that, but the ending shows him in a completely different light and I love him now, but Evren actually ended up not being that much like him at all (even though they still look a little similar), and their relationships are completely different. But... I hated that character at first, and I don't want to write a character I wouldn't like if I read it... )
Humms 
10583 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
24 / M / CAN, ON
Online
Posted 10/24/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

I updated the first three chapters.

If someone could look at chapter 3 for me, I would really appreciated. That's when the other main character shows up.



Personaly I thought chapter 3 was a good read for me. The interaction between both characters is well done so far. The song not having emotion behind it, and he points that out, a fun way to introduce a character.

Not something I would personally read, but it has a good atmosphere about it when you continue on with the chapter
24306 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / Various
Offline
Posted 10/25/16

Humms wrote:

Personaly I thought chapter 3 was a good read for me. The interaction between both characters is well done so far. The song not having emotion behind it, and he points that out, a fun way to introduce a character.

Not something I would personally read, but it has a good atmosphere about it when you continue on with the chapter


Thanks ^_^;
qwueri 
16470 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
30 / M
Offline
Posted 10/27/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

So, there are the main duo, Evren and Aurelio, plus Calius and Kayir, plus Evren's aunt, and then Julia, from his troupe, comes in later.

I was thinking about bringing Aurelio in sooner, but a) ... I couldn't really find a way to make him fit, and I like the idea of introducing him by the window, all pretty and stuff... and b), well... he's even more passive.

There's Calius, and Kayir trying to make peace between him and Evren.

I could give Evren more... sort of dry/snarky thoughts? But I don't want to make him obnoxious like that. I find that sort of thing obnoxious a lot of the time.
(......... sooo much of this story comes from how this one anime had a character like that, but the ending shows him in a completely different light and I love him now, but Evren actually ended up not being that much like him at all (even though they still look a little similar), and their relationships are completely different. But... I hated that character at first, and I don't want to write a character I wouldn't like if I read it... )


Kayir's bit of manipulation in Chapter 2 was a fair bit more interesting than Evren's indecisions. He seems like a source for plenty of snark, no need for Evren to be as well.

It might (big maybe) help to introduce Evren with contrasting views of him from other people around him.
24306 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / Various
Offline
Posted 10/28/16 , edited 10/28/16
Hmm, so like... have them talking about him?

Should I expand the scene in the beginning of chapter 3 where Kayir and Calius talk about him?

Hmm, Kayir could tell Calius about something Evren did once, that shows his personality. It would also show Kayir - that he's sort of more relaxed like that, and Calius, that he's just annoyed by Kayir bothering him with this nonsense.

Only, that would delay showing Aurelio. Unless I use it to give context for their meeting, somehow...

Do you think there's a way to get Aurelio in earlier? And... how?

I was thinking that he could maybe feel something when Evren gets the bracelet... but I was thinking of doing that with an illustration, when I was going to make this a comic, but then I decided to make it a novel instead...

I could give a few vague sentences, alluding to his lyre and long white hair, and then put an illustration, leaving the reader to wonder who he is....
qwueri 
16470 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
30 / M
Offline
Posted 10/29/16

LavenderMintRose wrote:

Hmm, so like... have them talking about him?

Should I expand the scene in the beginning of chapter 3 where Kayir and Calius talk about him?

Hmm, Kayir could tell Calius about something Evren did once, that shows his personality. It would also show Kayir - that he's sort of more relaxed like that, and Calius, that he's just annoyed by Kayir bothering him with this nonsense.

Only, that would delay showing Aurelio. Unless I use it to give context for their meeting, somehow...

Do you think there's a way to get Aurelio in earlier? And... how?

I was thinking that he could maybe feel something when Evren gets the bracelet... but I was thinking of doing that with an illustration, when I was going to make this a comic, but then I decided to make it a novel instead...

I could give a few vague sentences, alluding to his lyre and long white hair, and then put an illustration, leaving the reader to wonder who he is....


To have Kayir and Calius talking about him, I'd recommend sticking with aspects about Evren that are relevant to their plans. Having two characters that otherwise aren't that interested in him personally going into detail about his past needs concrete context to avoid feeling like an exposition dump. If your plot has that plot as a central point, it may be interesting to have that as setup, should that be how you want to set the tone of your story. Otherwise it may be better to fill out the intro with more day in the life of Evren, with relevant supporting details worked in.

As for Aurelio, it depends on how you want to set readers' expectations for him. If he plays his own active role, it might be worthwhile to introduce some scene early on. Perhaps something reflects his thoughts on upcoming events as he's aware of them, with little allusions to upcoming plot threads. Or even just a cutaway to him playing his lyre and others characters' thoughts on it.
24306 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / F / Various
Offline
Posted 10/30/16
Well, Calius and Kayir's opinions of Evren are pretty relevant... that scene is basically about that. Calius doesn't think Evren can do it, Kayir thinks Calius should relax, trust Evren, and let go a little.
First  Prev  1  2  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.