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Post Reply How can I make this plot not sound terrible?
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 10/23/16
Here is the plot.

Title: The Savior Chronicles: Celestial Heir

POV: First-Person

Premise: A teenage boy is selected by the High Elders to become a Savior that serves and go on adventures

Plot: Because of his talents as an Arch-Knight, Demetrius was chosen by the High Elders to become a Savior. A Savior is an elite warrior knight to personally serve the God-Emperor, Divine Imperial Family, High Elders, and the world. They serve and protect while taking different types of jobs. Demetrius will meet different people who are also Saviors and endure many adventures. Can he handle it?

This plot sucks and I don't know how to make it better. Got any advice. I'm thinking and nothing is coming to me. The premise is fine but the plot is just lacking completely. Help wanted.
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M / U.S. - Somewhere...
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Posted 10/23/16
Cut the "Can he handle it?" for starters
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Posted 10/23/16
Hit a dead end? Try writing something else. Keep writing. "The hand should write first and the mind critique later." Also watch movies, television, and read books and comics.
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Posted 10/23/16

LilinReviews wrote:

Cut the "Can he handle it?" for starters


I was thinking the same thing lol.











I'm also not sure about just saying "he will endure many adventures" since saying that off that bat makes this sound like "eh it's another one of those". I'd be more interested in knowing what the hero wants for himself. To what end does he aspire to? Not just some destiny that he mindlessly follows and reacts to.
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 10/23/16

LilinReviews wrote:

Cut the "Can he handle it?" for starters


Anything else besides that?
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 10/23/16

RedExodus wrote:


LilinReviews wrote:

Cut the "Can he handle it?" for starters


I was thinking the same thing lol.











I'm also not sure about just saying "he will endure many adventures" since saying that off that bat makes this sound like "eh it's another one of those". I'd be more interested in knowing what the hero wants for himself. To what end does he aspire to? Not just some destiny that he mindlessly follows and reacts to.


I see. Interesting.
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35 / M / UK
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Posted 10/23/16
A few suggestions/questions:

If he is a teenager, how can he be an "Arch-Knight"?

I expect that your story will expand on this and explain about how he became one, but in terms of a plot outline it sounds like he has jumped to a high position already. Also his "talents" as an Arch-Knight appear to be well known, which implies he has experience out in the world. That digs you into a bit of a hole in your story as he should know about the world already, which makes exposition opportunities a bit more implausible. Perhaps tone it down so he is a newly appointed knight? Lots of potential but limited experience for you to build on. Alternatively you could have him be a traveler from another world, lots of experience but no knowledge of the current setting. If you want to embellish the title of knight, an alternative would be to say that he is a member of a particular Knightly Order; a Thistle Knight from the order of the thistle, a Lion Knight from the order of the lion, etc. Having knightly orders also gives you some ready made allies or rivals with minimal need for embelishment - the Flame Knights from the order of the sacred flame have always despised the common-born knights of the order of the shield.

You are throwing around a lot of titles with capital letters in just a short paragraph. I'd perhaps change the "High Elders" to clan elders or just the elders. It then makes your capital letter titles stand out and have more impact. Also, if this is intended as the blurb to sell your story I'd drop some of the titles altogether. You can introduce the God Emperor and the Divine Family later but mentioning them in such a short space of time along with Arch-Knight, Saviour and High Elders is more likely to confuse readers than pique their interest.
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Posted 10/23/16

MidoriNoTora wrote:

A few suggestions/questions:

If he is a teenager, how can he be an "Arch-Knight"?

I expect that your story will expand on this and explain about how he became one, but in terms of a plot outline it sounds like he has jumped to a high position already. Also his "talents" as an Arch-Knight appear to be well known, which implies he has experience out in the world. That digs you into a bit of a hole in your story as he should know about the world already, which makes exposition opportunities a bit more implausible. Perhaps tone it down so he is a newly appointed knight? Lots of potential but limited experience for you to build on. Alternatively you could have him be a traveler from another world, lots of experience but no knowledge of the current setting. If you want to embellish the title of knight, an alternative would be to say that he is a member of a particular Knightly Order; a Thistle Knight from the order of the thistle, a Lion Knight from the order of the lion, etc. Having knightly orders also gives you some ready made allies or rivals with minimal need for embelishment - the Flame Knights from the order of the sacred flame have always despised the common-born knights of the order of the shield.

You are throwing around a lot of titles with capital letters in just a short paragraph. I'd perhaps change the "High Elders" to clan elders or just the elders. It then makes your capital letter titles stand out and have more impact. Also, if this is intended as the blurb to sell your story I'd drop some of the titles altogether. You can introduce the God Emperor and the Divine Family later but mentioning them in such a short space of time along with Arch-Knight, Saviour and High Elders is more likely to confuse readers than pique their interest.


His talents got him to being an Arch-Knight.

I was just thinking of multiple things that sounds cool for my character.


You know what screw this! I'm coming up with a different idea for a story. Excuse me while I think and plan.
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Posted 10/23/16

qualeshia3 wrote:

Here is the plot.

Title: The Savior Chronicles: Celestial Heir

POV: First-Person

Premise: A teenage boy is selected by the High Elders to become a Savior that serves and go on adventures

Plot: Because of his talents as an Arch-Knight, Demetrius was chosen by the High Elders to become a Savior. A Savior is an elite warrior knight to personally serve the God-Emperor, Divine Imperial Family, High Elders, and the world. They serve and protect while taking different types of jobs. Demetrius will meet different people who are also Saviors and endure many adventures. Can he handle it?

This plot sucks and I don't know how to make it better. Got any advice. I'm thinking and nothing is coming to me. The premise is fine but the plot is just lacking completely. Help wanted.


Expand the roster, build the world up more, have interesting themes and endearing morals. There really is no one way to make a good story I'm afraid. You just kinda gotta do your best :/
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 10/24/16

octorockandroll wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:

Here is the plot.

Title: The Savior Chronicles: Celestial Heir

POV: First-Person

Premise: A teenage boy is selected by the High Elders to become a Savior that serves and go on adventures

Plot: Because of his talents as an Arch-Knight, Demetrius was chosen by the High Elders to become a Savior. A Savior is an elite warrior knight to personally serve the God-Emperor, Divine Imperial Family, High Elders, and the world. They serve and protect while taking different types of jobs. Demetrius will meet different people who are also Saviors and endure many adventures. Can he handle it?

This plot sucks and I don't know how to make it better. Got any advice. I'm thinking and nothing is coming to me. The premise is fine but the plot is just lacking completely. Help wanted.


Expand the roster, build the world up more, have interesting themes and endearing morals. There really is no one way to make a good story I'm afraid. You just kinda gotta do your best :/


Alright.
qwueri 
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Posted 10/24/16 , edited 10/24/16

qualeshia3 wrote:

Here is the plot.

Title: The Savior Chronicles: Celestial Heir

POV: First-Person

Premise: A teenage boy is selected by the High Elders to become a Savior that serves and go on adventures

Plot: Because of his talents as an Arch-Knight, Demetrius was chosen by the High Elders to become a Savior. A Savior is an elite warrior knight to personally serve the God-Emperor, Divine Imperial Family, High Elders, and the world. They serve and protect while taking different types of jobs. Demetrius will meet different people who are also Saviors and endure many adventures. Can he handle it?

This plot sucks and I don't know how to make it better. Got any advice. I'm thinking and nothing is coming to me. The premise is fine but the plot is just lacking completely. Help wanted.


The big problem is that it reads like a generic MMO plot. It doesn't help that 'many adventures' really hammers home the thought of an MMO errand-boy. For a story you need a good hook ton convince the reader to invest the time and energy into the story. Instead of throwing a bunch of Capital Lettered Titles that mean Very Little to the Reader, focus on building the character's personality and goals in the world around him, what threats will he be facing, and maybe a little blurb of what makes the work special.

A general adventure story can work, but you'll need to really lay on the character development to make up for the conflict usually provided by a villain in those instances. A villain usually provides a source of conflict for the character to struggle against and in one way or another contrast with the main character. Whether it's Neptune constantly thwarting Odysseus's journey home or Ganondorf being everything that Link is not, the villain or some existential threat is the true driving force in most stories. Without that, overcoming inner conflict can also work, as can other forms of personal growth. But the reader needs to know that the story is going somewhere.
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25 / F / Various
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Posted 10/24/16
You have a lot of big concepts. Focus on characters. Don't say "Elders" "God-emperor" - give names, and let us get a feel for those characters.

Is he working with the "God-Emperor" right away, or someone younger? His age? The heir to the throne?

Right now, this feels like that character has been thrown into a big, empty palace.
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Posted 10/24/16 , edited 10/24/16
Plot: Because of his talents within swordsmanship, Demetrius was chosen by the Elders/High Elders. (Explain what the High Elders are and what they do etc..) He was to become a Savior/Hero. A Savior is an elite warrior/elite knight that personally serves the God-Emperor/Emperor, (Explain who the emperor is, what city he rules etc.. What he is feared of or known for) They serve and protect while taking different types of jobs. Demetrius will meet all kinds of people, who are Saviors as-well. He will meet many trails on his journey. Can Demetrius handle it?

''Hope it helped''

(All you have to do after an introduction is just make a intro, where you somehow manage to show people the mc's personality.)

Then make the characters Demetrius will meet.

Any romance?

Make sure to add some plot elements like some creatures or some kind of enemy if there is swordsmanship involved.

I write and draw a lot of manga Humu-Humu
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25 / F / Various
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Posted 10/24/16
Also... write the thing before you make a blurb.
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25 / F / New Jersey, USA
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Posted 10/24/16
It's alright guys. I've already came up with a new plot for a story. I'm ditching this one.
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