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Posted 10/26/16
Here are few of mine, would love to read some of your works. I'm new and wish i paid more attention in school.

#Bullet


#unpolar minds



#bipolar ideas


#Life


#When we were young


#Waved


A few of them had themes, if you took the time to read them, did you clock any?
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Posted 10/26/16 , edited 10/26/16
heya, welcome to the forums! I gave them all a quick look down, you have a good sense of rhyming, there are only a few places where it falls rather weak.

From #bipolar ideas:


what charge will i be today, pulsing at 50 kilohertz

switching back and forth so many times a second it killer hurts


While the first stanza here is pretty strong, the second's rhyme is too awkward so it drags down the first. Admittedly brainstorming other ways to work with it I'm coming up short, that seems to be a pretty hard rhyme to match. If you are interested in revising it I would consider completely rewording both. Sometimes it's better to take something strong out if it fails to fit with the rest. You can always put it away to use in a later work too. Besides that one stanza the rest has great imagery that doesn't dawdle and is easily coherent with the message you're sending in the piece, nice job ^.^

#Bullet



why take a like 17 years in the making

fate tied by bullet shards and casings

date time and stamped, life ending

No justice, no court cases pending


Great imagery here too, "fate tied by bullet shards and casings" is a highlight of this piece. I'm not sure if you meant "life" where it says "like" the "like" is a bit weird but maybe it's lingo I'm not familiar with but just pointing out a possible typo. I think what would really make this piece, and this extends to pretty much all the others as my biggest advice, is to not shy away from punctuation. Punctuation gives power dynamic to your sentences, pieces like this could definitely use them. I can see you specifically capitalized "No" and no other words, I'm assuming you did so on purpose, however that shouldn't stop you from exploring the use of punctuation here, or in your other writings.

#unpolar minds

For this one the imagery is once again nice and vivid, but I can't help but feel it's a bit too wordy. I think my final notes on your writing is the strengths I've outlined, aka imagery and some great employments of rhyming, but still they're a bit rough around the edges. Of course, that's just my opinion, take all of my suggestions as just that, my personal suggestions, it's your writing and if my notes would create something unfaithful to your intentions with your work, by all means ignore it.

That's all I can say for now, thank you for sharing!


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Posted 10/27/16
Poetry is my least favourite art form. I try to see the appeal but I just can't
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Posted 10/27/16 , edited 10/27/16
A wise old man, with trembling hand,
Once gently beckoned
And it was then, when I was there and ready,
I found his hand not trembling, but steady.
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Posted 10/27/16
Rah, i really i appreciate the advice, i am new to this. I used to read so much as a kid, then things dropped when i turned 19.
just getting back into it, love Shakespeare.. lyrical g.

yeah, it was so hard deciding to keep it or just scrap the killer hurts part, ruined the flow but i wanted it in.

I did mean life, ill edit that in a second, and unpolar minds was written behind the til at work haha i need to so finish it. i got another part brewing.

and for sure i would love to brainstorm, thanks for all your help

safe g.
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Posted 10/27/16
dude... u put me to shame
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Posted 10/27/16
Be the love you never deserved.
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Posted 10/29/16

HolyDrumstick wrote:

A wise old man, with trembling hand,
Once gently beckoned
And it was then, when I was there and ready,
I found his hand not trembling, but steady.


man i wish i could make stuff like that. keep up the good work
sorry this is so late. i thought i pressed post lol.
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Posted 10/29/16

SirMystro wrote:


HolyDrumstick wrote:

A wise old man, with trembling hand,
Once gently beckoned
And it was then, when I was there and ready,
I found his hand not trembling, but steady.


man i wish i could make stuff like that. keep up the good work
sorry this is so late. i thought i pressed post lol.


Thanks man! I didn't think it was all that great.
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