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Post Reply For anyone that has ever lost a parent...
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27 / F / California, US
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Posted 10/29/16
Maybe this isn't the right place for it, but I am hoping to get some advice/commentary/sharing of experiences.

My dad died kind of suddenly, I got a call on thursday that my dad was going into the ER at 4 PM and just after 10 AM friday he passed away. He had been sick and on a portable oxygen tank for the last ten months. I saw him a friday ago and he played with my 19 week old niece, hugged me, and we just talked for a while. I'm having a really difficult time, none of my friends have ever lost a parent and I really just want to know what helped you cope - not get over "it", because i think/feel it isn't something to get over, it is more of like learning to live with this change in my life. I love my dad, to me he was the best father that any kid could have ever asked for, and he made my whole life an adventure. It feels like my adventure just ended even though there was so much more planned for..

I have an older brother and sister and my mom is still with us. I know I am not alone. I think about my dad and smile and then minutes later I am crying and angry that I don't have him anymore and then I feel selfish knowing that other people might not have either parent .

So please, if you have ever experienced the loss of a parent can you share with me what helped you deal with the change.
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27 / M
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Posted 10/29/16
Sorry for your loss. I haven't lost anyone as close as a parent but lost someone close before their time. I'm taking care of their child now. You just mourn and try and drag yourself out of bed. I'm not the praying type but I hear it helps.
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27 / M / Louisville, KY
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Posted 10/29/16
Throw yourself at work a lot more to get your mind off of things as much as possible. Or watch videos that make you laugh or smile (preferably not of the parent in question). Basically, occupy your time to take your thoughts off of the problem. You will slowly begin to cope with the loss. You should avoid doing nothing and just thinking about it as that will do nothing and make you feel worse.
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27 / F / California, US
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Posted 10/29/16
thank you. sitting in the living room gets difficult just because my mind is going a million miles per second, so you very right, thank you.
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27 / F / California, US
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Posted 10/29/16
wow you must be a very resilient person. i'm also not the praying type, but i will give it a shot.
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18 / M / The Mothership
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Posted 10/29/16

stephersisbored wrote:

thank you. sitting in the living room gets difficult just because my mind is going a million miles per second, so you very right, thank you.


I've never lost a parent but I've lost someone who was close but wasn't family and I can tell you keep your mind occupied or stay busy with something, go to work, read a book, or watch some TV just distract yourself from it.
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20 / F
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Posted 10/29/16 , edited 10/29/16
I haven't had that experience yet, but I've had a few friends that have lost their dads. I think the advice I'd give is, let yourself be sad right now. Don't try to bottle all of this up, if you feel like crying, do your best to let yourself cry. Talk to others, friends, loved ones, and if things really start going downhill, consider a therapist; there's zero shame in seeing one. Like the loss of any loved one, the pain dulls and numbs over the years. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best. Take care.

Everyone copes a little differently of course, so above all else just try to do what feels best for you.
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27 / F / California, US
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Posted 10/29/16
thank you, i will try to keep busy.
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29 / M / B.C, Canada
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Posted 10/29/16 , edited 10/29/16
I was 22 when my adoptive father died, I had just come back from my first tour of combat in Afghanistan. By then I had already lost my fiance , and my friends. I remember seeing him in the ER, he had sustained numerous stab wounds, most which had destroyed or damaged a lot of his organs. Despite it he was still conscious, with that damned devil may care smile on his face he always wore when he was trying to hide something from me. He asked me how I was going to be , I remember getting somewhat upset then telling him I was going to be alright, that I was a soldier and soldiers know how to carry on.

He died then and I had a lot of paperwork, funeral to arrange,all that jazz ya know. After the funeral I got a second tour of combat and well I did a lot of stupid things. I honestly think I wanted to die. My CO saw it , knew what I was trying to do. But she never said a thing to anyone but me. She asked me if suicide was what I wanted why bother waiting for a camel jockey's AK to do it for me. I was issued a pistol after all she pointed out.

That more then anything woke me up from it all. I was a man of faith and suicide is a sin after all. I then remembered my father himself was solider before a injury forced him into early retirement. And you only become a real soldier because there are things you want to protect , things you cherish.

And that is my coping mechanism, knowing that my adoptive father loved the world he lived in enough to don a soldier's uniform. And that his proudest moment was when I did to. And that I can always find him in the same duty he once undertook. Sometimes I have trouble believing a world without him is worth anything. Few people have matched up favourably compared to him and the ideals he taught me. But for those few I find my solace.
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23 / M / Abyss
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Posted 10/29/16 , edited 10/29/16
I have nearly lost a parent. So I cant say that I have lost one (though I did have a scare!). I have lost 3 of my 4 grandparents, and 3 very close friends to suicide (including one I was in love with, meh).

To cope?

If you are religious: You will see them again/they are in a better place/reincarnated etc etc.
If like me you are atheist/agnostic: You just have to come to terms with it. Understand it happens to everyone and that the death doesn't mater. It is what they did in their life that really matters.

Something that it makes me think of... Life is like a book. It will having a beginning and an end. What matters is what was inside the book.

Either way, the only way to really get over it is to accept it. Whichever method you choose to use to accept it is up to you. Good luck in coping. Also, as a side note, being with friends (in my case drinking with friends) really helps. The only issue with this is once you leave you feel like shit again. So yea. It is a Band-Aid.

Edit: Engrish.
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30 / M
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Posted 10/29/16
I lost my stepfather, who was also my best friend, to cancer three years ago. I can tell you that there is no magic cure that will make it easier, but time makes everything bearable. Im definitely not a religious man, and I wouldn't tell you to pray since I don't really believe. However, one thing that always comforted me is that I know he'll never suffer again. I like to think that he's been released from all that. Everything that remains is my own selfishness and regrets. I wish I could tell him I love him, that I had spent more time visiting, or that I had been strong enough to be at the hospital when he passed. Hell I'd give anything to hear one of his corny jokes, or just sit on the couch all day and watch football with him.

All of that is on me though, those are little things that you will remember and regret. I didn't know your father but I can guarantee he'd feel the same way my stepfather would; he would never want you to be sad. All that remains on his part are the good memories you have. Cherish those and live your life in a way that would make him proud.
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20 / M / In a Yaoi Fanfic
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Posted 10/29/16 , edited 10/29/16
Eh, my father's not dead yet, but he's basically been dying slowly over the last 14 years. He was diagnosed around 13 years ago with a form of dementia and was told he had about a 10 year life expectancy. I believe I was either 5 or 6 at the time.

Anyways, his memory, basic motor skills, and ability to communicate have been long gone, and he completely forgot who I was when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I never thought much of it because I always had a positive outlook, basically pushed the idea that he would be gone before I graduated middle school out of my brain and focused on other things.

At the moment he's basically a vegetable who can't walk or talk and won't die because his body is so stubborn, he's also constantly suffering to the point of crying from the pain he's in. He's so skinny and his skin is so pale he looks like a white goblin. My mom refuses to pull the plug because she thinks it's murder, which is resulting in thousands of dollars worth of medical bills. Apparently she thinks if she lets him die his ghost will haunt her, though I'm pretty sure torturing someone for years on end is more likely to result in getting haunted.

This is all despite the fact that he made it very clear that he wanted her to pull the plug and let him die when he got to the point he couldn't even walk or speak, and his death is years overdue and thousands of dollars in medical bills to keep a potato on life support for no reason overdue.

I know I should convince her to pull the plug, but she has a combination of 2 very dangerous traits that makes this impossible.
1. She's stupid to the point she doesn't realize she's stupid. You can't convince her that she's wrong if she thinks she's right.
2. She's stubborn to the point she doesn't know she's stubborn. This goes hand in hand with number 1. Basically you're too stupid to the point you can't realize when you're wrong, and stubborn to the point you push out all opposing arguments and just repeat your initial argument.


Though this is one of the many things that I've had to deal with in my life. Honestly, I think with the amount of crap I've gone through most people would have committed suicide or gotten addicted to drugs by now.

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25 / F / United States
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Posted 10/29/16
my dad got shot when i was 2 or 3 years old. my grandma said it was his brother's fault. my step dad got hit by a car.
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24 / M
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Posted 10/29/16
I lost my mom a couple years ago, and I'll be honest so far I haven't really found a point or way to 'get over it' per-se.

Mostly it's about letting yourself grieve for a little while to get it out of your system, and focusing your attention elsewhere like work, video games, hobbies, whatever puts the focus anywhere else. You'll occasionally get reminders like when something happens and you get the natural thought of "I can't wait to tell my mom about this later" only to realize that you'll never do that again, or similarly when they pop up in your dreams. Whatever you do though, you just keep walking forward and looking ahead as much as possible, you've got a long life ahead so make it what you want it to be.
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Posted 10/29/16
I lost my mom when I was 13, I don't really know how I got over it or if I even needed. I don't remember that much about it, one day I was waking up for school and just noticed a slight smell of vomit while getting ready. My dad drove me to the school, and when school was over my dad came to pick me up and first thing I noticed was an used tissue and I knew what happened. She had some medical troubles before so it didn't come as a surprise, the first thing I thought that my life's probably going to be more difficult now.
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