Post Reply First Chapter of my Work in Progress....
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Posted 11/4/16 , edited 11/4/16
https://www.patreon.com/posts/spiritslayer-1-7165261

Only the first chapter is available for non-patrons. But, take a look, tell me what you think. Yada-yada.

Not a plea for support, as the first chapter can be viewed be everyone. Just sharing.

ALSO: All of my work will become available, as I post, for everyone, even those who cannot support financially. As I post a new chapter, the previous chapter becomes unlocked for everyone.
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Posted 11/4/16
If you like it or dislike it, please let me know. I mean, just hearing opinions and knowing people actually read it would lift my spirits.... even if you think it's poorly written.

I'M FEELING SO NEEDY!!!!



Thanks for reading, everyone.
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Posted 11/4/16
I'm not much of a reader (I can't even remember the last time I read a book), so I don't know how helpful my assessment will be, but I really liked this chapter. The characters are intriguing, and I liked the hints of impending danger in regards to the reveal of Toren's mother and her potential abilities.

I feel a small sense of worry for Toren, having no choice but to become involved with Marsol; he definitely seems like a dangerous man to work for. Toren's assessment of him was a pretty interesting read.
I did come across a few typos here and there, but other than that, I don't really have any complaints. I can't afford to become a patron, but I guess the best positive thing I can say is that, if this were a book available in a library or something, I'd definitely read further to see where the story goes from here.
Good luck with the rest of it!
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Posted 11/4/16

TheAZ126 wrote:

I'm not much of a reader (I can't even remember the last time I read a book), so I don't know how helpful my assessment will be, but I really liked this chapter. The characters are intriguing, and I liked the hints of impending danger in regards to the reveal of Toren's mother and her potential abilities.

I feel a small sense of worry for Toren, having no choice but to become involved with Marsol; he definitely seems like a dangerous man to work for. Toren's assessment of him was a pretty interesting read.
I did come across a few typos here and there, but other than that, I don't really have any complaints. I can't afford to become a patron, but I guess the best positive thing I can say is that, if this were a book available in a library or something, I'd definitely read further to see where the story goes from here.
Good luck with the rest of it!


Thank you so much.

I really need to check for those typos.

Generally, it's smoothed out, but I find the formatting gets crazy when I post in Patreon. That MAY be part of it, I do not know.

Thanks again, and I hope you enjoyed it.
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Posted 11/4/16

TheAZ126 wrote:

I'm not much of a reader (I can't even remember the last time I read a book), so I don't know how helpful my assessment will be, but I really liked this chapter. The characters are intriguing, and I liked the hints of impending danger in regards to the reveal of Toren's mother and her potential abilities.

I feel a small sense of worry for Toren, having no choice but to become involved with Marsol; he definitely seems like a dangerous man to work for. Toren's assessment of him was a pretty interesting read.
I did come across a few typos here and there, but other than that, I don't really have any complaints. I can't afford to become a patron, but I guess the best positive thing I can say is that, if this were a book available in a library or something, I'd definitely read further to see where the story goes from here.
Good luck with the rest of it!


ALSO: All of my work will become available, as I post, for everyone, even those who cannot support financially. As I post a new chapter, the previous chapter becomes unlocked for everyone.
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Posted 11/4/16
I will read it when I have the time but for now I think I can definitely offer constructive criticism of your patreon page.

First of all, it would absolutely benefit from some more images. There isn't a whole lot there that's visually grabbing. I realise it's not a visual medium you're dealing with here, but there are a ton of people on patreon and you're going to want to do as much as possible to stand out.

Secondly I was surprised to see that you didn't list any previous experience or accomplishments as a writer. That's definitely something you should fix, even if you think what you have isn't worth mentioning. For many people a brief mention of previous experience can mean the difference between whether or not they become your patron.

If you really don't have any past experience worth mentioning then I also think you should dial back the prices. With the exception of the $100 reward I personally feel that the rates are too high for most people to justify spending in order to get the associated reward. You also set getting a subscription to a writing critique site, which strikes me as a suspiciously high proce for such a service.

Hope this helps.
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Posted 11/4/16

octorockandroll wrote:

I will read it when I have the time but for now I think I can definitely offer constructive criticism of your patreon page.

First of all, it would absolutely benefit from some more images. There isn't a whole lot there that's visually grabbing. I realise it's not a visual medium you're dealing with here, but there are a ton of people on patreon and you're going to want to do as much as possible to stand out.

Secondly I was surprised to see that you didn't list any previous experience or accomplishments as a writer. That's definitely something you should fix, even if you think what you have isn't worth mentioning. For many people a brief mention of previous experience can mean the difference between whether or not they become your patron.

If you really don't have any past experience worth mentioning then I also think you should dial back the prices. With the exception of the $100 reward I personally feel that the rates are too high for most people to justify spending in order to get the associated reward. You also set getting a subscription to a writing critique site, which strikes me as a suspiciously high proce for such a service.

Hope this helps.


Yeah, I'm actually not even trying to get money, to be honest. I more or less made the account because a friend said I should. Thanks for the advice. I shall take what you said and put it into consideration.

However, at the moment, it is set up basically so that if you pay $1 per month, you get about a week advance on chapters. That's all I'm super focused on.

Not sure how to do visuals. Not sure.

BUT, any more advice you have on this is appreciated. Just note that my intent is not really to make money, but to share my stories. TI was all kind of thrown together. I'm not good at this, as you can see.

So..... thank you so much, again. Super appreciated.
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Posted 11/4/16

HolyDrumstick wrote:


octorockandroll wrote:

I will read it when I have the time but for now I think I can definitely offer constructive criticism of your patreon page.

First of all, it would absolutely benefit from some more images. There isn't a whole lot there that's visually grabbing. I realise it's not a visual medium you're dealing with here, but there are a ton of people on patreon and you're going to want to do as much as possible to stand out.

Secondly I was surprised to see that you didn't list any previous experience or accomplishments as a writer. That's definitely something you should fix, even if you think what you have isn't worth mentioning. For many people a brief mention of previous experience can mean the difference between whether or not they become your patron.

If you really don't have any past experience worth mentioning then I also think you should dial back the prices. With the exception of the $100 reward I personally feel that the rates are too high for most people to justify spending in order to get the associated reward. You also set getting a subscription to a writing critique site, which strikes me as a suspiciously high proce for such a service.

Hope this helps.


Yeah, I'm actually not even trying to get money, to be honest. I more or less made the account because a friend said I should. Thanks for the advice. I shall take what you said and put it into consideration.

However, at the moment, it is set up basically so that if you pay $1 per month, you get about a week advance on chapters. That's all I'm super focused on.

Not sure how to do visuals. Not sure.

BUT, any more advice you have on this is appreciated. Just note that my intent is not really to make money, but to share my stories. TI was all kind of thrown together. I'm not good at this, as you can see.

So..... thank you so much, again. Super appreciated.


It's my pleasure. And for the visuals I recommend comissioning artists. You can find talented ones working for cheap all over the web. This is how my company aquired all of its visual assets as we really don't have any artistic designers officially within our payroll. You should definitely try to maximise the appeal of your patreon page though. I'm not saying you have to want to make money off of this, but the more popular your page becomes the more your work will be read. Good luck.
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Posted 11/4/16 , edited 11/4/16

octorockandroll wrote:


It's my pleasure. And for the visuals I recommend comissioning artists. You can find talented ones working for cheap all over the web. This is how my company aquired all of its visual assets as we really don't have any artistic designers officially within our payroll. You should definitely try to maximise the appeal of your patreon page though. I'm not saying you have to want to make money off of this, but the more popular your page becomes the more your work will be read. Good luck.


Thanks. I have one supporter, and it may take a couple months to gather funds to put into commissions, but I may do just that. Maybe add a piece of art to every chapter, Light Novel style.

Cheers.
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Posted 11/4/16

HolyDrumstick wrote:


octorockandroll wrote:


It's my pleasure. And for the visuals I recommend comissioning artists. You can find talented ones working for cheap all over the web. This is how my company aquired all of its visual assets as we really don't have any artistic designers officially within our payroll. You should definitely try to maximise the appeal of your patreon page though. I'm not saying you have to want to make money off of this, but the more popular your page becomes the more your work will be read. Good luck.


Thanks. I have one supporter, and it may take a couple months to gather funds to put into commissions, but I may do just that. Maybe at a piece of art to every chapter, Light Novel style.

Cheers.


Cool. I look forward to reading it.
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Posted 11/4/16

HolyDrumstick wrote:

https://www.patreon.com/posts/spiritslayer-1-7165261

Only the first chapter is available for non-patrons. But, take a look, tell me what you think. Yada-yada.

Not a plea for support, as the first chapter can be viewed be everyone. Just sharing.

ALSO: All of my work will become available, as I post, for everyone, even those who cannot support financially. As I post a new chapter, the previous chapter becomes unlocked for everyone.


it's good
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Posted 29 days ago

iambetterthanyou wrote:


HolyDrumstick wrote:

https://www.patreon.com/posts/spiritslayer-1-7165261

Only the first chapter is available for non-patrons. But, take a look, tell me what you think. Yada-yada.

Not a plea for support, as the first chapter can be viewed be everyone. Just sharing.

ALSO: All of my work will become available, as I post, for everyone, even those who cannot support financially. As I post a new chapter, the previous chapter becomes unlocked for everyone.


it's good


Thanks, Bro.

It's a slow progression to him becoming the Spiritslayer (title may be changed). Think exorcist/necromancer that puts spirits to rest.
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Posted 29 days ago

HolyDrumstick wrote:

ALSO: All of my work will become available, as I post, for everyone, even those who cannot support financially. As I post a new chapter, the previous chapter becomes unlocked for everyone.


Oh, well that's cool to hear. I look forward to reading more chapters as they're released, then.

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Posted 25 days ago , edited 25 days ago
One of the things I've struggled with the most in my writing is turning my story from something that is functional and gets the job done to something that truly captivates. Turning it from a depiction of events into something that is truly gripping. I think this is something that can always be worked on by every writer, but I did find myself thinking that the actual writing could be more impact-full.

I know that this is one of the least helpful things to criticize, but overall, it was pretty good. I think overall the main thing is thinking more about the emotion of the scene.

A few other notes:
-The characters could use more character. Give them the time necessary to make them feel real.
-A super short scene will rarely leave much impact (unless it is a gimmick scene). Scene 1 and 2 could be one scene and scene 3 is barely a scene so it could be tacked onto there for good measure. PS: Why didn't you show the death scene out of curiosity?
-I say this to everyone so I think I'm just super sensitive to it, but exposition is boring and breaks the flow of a story. Try to make some of that stuff more organic.
-Typically, if someone is truly well written, the reader can understand them without having to be told things like "It wasn't an offer or request. Toren didn't have the option to refuse". Most emotion and simple ideas like this can be conveyed organically through the character's words and actions and when it is, those emotions and ideas tend to be a lot more powerful.

I'd be glad to clarify or elaborate on any of my points.
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Posted 23 days ago

Thanks for the input.

I've added more, and unlocked the next piece for the public.
http://www.crunchyroll.com/forumtopic-972767/new-update-on-spiritslayer-story
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