I am going to present my story that I just written and I want your opinion of this story. This story may not be publishable since it get too close into exposing the dark secret of the Capitalist culture so I will allow the public to use this story as inspiration as long as they use proper citation.
Genre: comedy, action, fantasy, virtual reality, slice of life
The story take place in U.S. at an alternate timeline with some fantasy element. In this timeline, U.S. is a place with seemingly infinite resource which sustain many alternate spaces. The alternate spaces act as realistic 3-D virtual worlds and the magic allow affordable virtual reality (VR) technology to even the marginal sectors of society. All those VR worlds were protected and sustained by the invisible hand.
Little do the inhabitants know, the huge resource to sustain the VR worlds is obtained from the third world using the greed generated from the heart of U.S. customers. The Capitalists gather the greed and manifest it in a physical form called overpowered monsters (OPM) to invade foreign land. They also use OPM workers to replace domesticate workers although the displacement more often occurs from refuge of the OPM invasions.
The resistance to the evil Capitalists one day damage utopia the barrier of U.S. and wounded the invisible hand. This attack disrupts the mechanism to gather greed which then leaked within civilian areas of the country. The leaked greed manifest as OPM who consume the greed to reproduce uncontrollably and invade both the real world and the many VR worlds. The OPM post relatively little threats to the lives of U.S. citizen but they post more threat to their jobs since the private employees use this huge abundance of OPM as cheap workers.
To rescue the jobs of their citizen, a group of not-so-organized-nor-so-heroic-nor-overpowered heroes was hired on low wage to kill the OPM. To hide the fighting from the business elites, they use VR technology to enter the No Man’s World where greed is transported, manifest the greed as OPM, and kill them before they depart the world for employment. In the No Man’s World, our heroes will encounter many agents who want to obtain the OPM as cheap source of workers but they, however, can conceal their identities due to the use of avatars. Can our heroes slain enough OPM to save the jobs of the citizen even when they fight under financial hardship and possible legal controversy?
Settings and Characters
Unlike the other VR worlds, the No Man’s World is an uninhabited world which gather the garbage of VR worlds. This world consists of complex tunnels which connects many VR worlds. The environment is highly unstable, dangerous, and unpredictable; many natural disasters and dramatic environmental changes often occurs. Magic is easily manifest here and the landscape consists of a patched-up mixture of elements from many VR worlds. The greed of U.S. citizen is absorbed to here and channeled to OPM factories.
The OPM is the manifestation of greed and they can take many forms; their forms can resemble humans, animals, machines, objects, landscape features, or a mix of the mentioned. As greed, they exist as intangible mass of particles unless they are either disturbed by the magic emitted by external force, where they will manifest as OPM, or consumed by OPM themselves. They are simple-minded beings who are driven by the instincts to take something from their environment like a job, attention of human's lustful desire, material possession, greed of humans, or spiritual energy of humans. They can synchronize their minds with other OPM or the greedy desires of humans to form a highly hierarchical group. Despite their string loyalty toward their master in their group, they will betray and consume their master upon seeing the opportunities to exploit their master’s vulnerability.
I will introduce some piece of scenes for the plot:
Hero: “You are willing to replace many workers with OPMs, all for your own profit?”
Villain: “This is the will of the invisible hand; you cannot argue against it.”
Hero: “Many people discarded their greed into the No Man’s World but you keep and even embrace your greed; how shameful!”
Villain: “You fool! Greed is the essence of life; the essence of progress. Without it, society will be trapped in stagnation.”
Female Reporter: “According to the report, the seducing OPMs use publicly indecent poses and lesbian scenes to seduce man. Those OPMs put those men under a zombie-like state by some form of mind-control and then make those men transfer their life force into the OPM.”
Women in authority: “You mean that the OPMs is taking not only the employment of our workers but also the heart of our boyfriends? This is terrible; I cannot stop my boyfriend from being socialized to see women as sex objects especially when it encourages economic investment. We must kill all OPMs especially the seducing type. The report state that the seducing OPMs do not seem to fare well against romantic competitor so I would mandate at least one heterosexual women for every hero parties. We would also have to train boys in the art of trap even when the trap could harm the morality of our community.”
Manly Hero: "So you OPM use the power of lust to seduce many men into joining a zombie-like collective hivemind, make those men follow all your orders without question, and convert those men into traps to help you seduce more men. You even violate the copyright law by using the image of the Miku fictional character for your seducing. You had put many men under your mind control by seducing but you cannot seduce me with your publicly offensive poses!”
Miku OPM: “You may continue resisting but you will eventually fall under my girly power by my further sexy poses.”
*After the OPM end her speech with girly charm, the manly hero lost his mental resistance and become assimilated into the zombie hivemind. Shortly after, a female hero kill the OPM and free all the men from the mind-control*
Women: “Go back to your sense! You are my boyfriend! You had been seduced by a OPM and had fallen into its mind control for a few hours; the OPM are now defeated and you should now free yourself from your zombified state. You should resist the preaching of that OPM and stop saying that women are defined by their capacity to satisfy men’s lust.”
Boyfriend: “Women are defined by their capacity to satisfy men’s lust. Women gain their empowerment from evoking men’s lust. You do not satisfy men’s lust; you are not a woman.”
*And so a man get slapped in the face*
I can see you have put a fair bit of effort into this story, and such efforts should be praised. So I certainly want to post my opinion about this, since it'll be the first here! Haha
BTW I am not a professional writer. In fact, I might be worse then you are. But this is coming from the view of just an average individual who sorta likes to read and let his mind run wild :P
Well, I shall first be talking about the brief synposis you have posted. BTW this is personally my opinion so I could be the dumbest person you've ever met since I may not be able to catch half the ideas you've created and only merely 'scratched the surface'.
When reading the plot, there was one thing which sort of...stumped me in focus. I think it was the first section with the concepts about 'alternative spaces'.
So in this ver. of the U.S, is the VR run by magic? Actually, broadly speaking, is magic the kind of electricity/energy source in this story? And what is the invisible hand? Is it a company of sorts or a group of individuals? What do they do? Or is that something which is explained in the story.
Also, could you explain this part to me, I seem to be unable to understand what it's actually saying.
"although the displacement more often occurs from refuge of the OPM invasions."
Now with the aspect of emotions being used as a way to create these OPM, is it just greed specifically? Or will the other emotions be used too? And when you say that the capitalists use the OPM to invade foreign land, do they actually attack the people there? Or do they just steal that country's jobs?
Just one little thing concerning the part where the invisible hand is damaged an invasion occurs, why would the OPM need to consume the greed? Aren't they born from it? If they were born from it then why would they have to reproduce? Couldn't the greed just manifest into another OPM rather then an OPM itself needing to consume greed to reproduce? Unless when the OPM consume the greed, they reproduce more then just one individual. If that is the case then i'm an idiot.
The actual settings and characters were clear to me, and they were pretty well written in terms of details and coherence with the plot line.
Reading some of the scenes, they were pretty good. There were some lines which I thought sounded pretty nice and really fleshed out a character, despite knowing nothing about the actual characters. Though, there were probably a few things I would have changed because I believe that some of the phrases provided in the characters line, 'broke the flow' of the emotion...if that makes sense. One case of this were the use of some cliche's
eg. Hero: “Many people discarded their greed into the No Man’s World but you keep and even embrace your greed [how shameful!]”
Just that last part, kind of made me tilt my head in terms of determining the degree of the hero's anger.
Also, I felt that at some points, the lines of the characters felt a bit similar. And when characters have similar-feeling lines, it usually indicates that they would have similar personalities, which might be something you weren't aiming for.
Overall, I had to read the synopsis a few times just to get a clearer understanding of what was going on, because this was fairly unique...like really really unique. There were times I'll admit where I was a little lost, since there are a lot of new concepts that I was just never familiar with. Usually, beings born from negative emotions tend to attack the humans, but in your case they simply endanger jobs, which I find to be...quite different. I never thought a story concerning agents and particle-made organisms would be centered around the endangerment of of a entire nations economy. I'm getting this strong vibe that you are someone that takes interest into business, the economics aspect of it too, but I may be wrong, but that's the impression I got judging from the elements presented in this story.
If I were to be completely honest about this, I would be someone that probably wouldn't be too interested in this idea..but this is purely opinion based. It has very strong vibes of business being the central concept and theme which drives the story, and business isn't something I'm too interested in.
What I will say however, is that the prominence of creativity placed into this idea is quite high. Just because something's different, doesn't always mean it's bad. While a bit confusing at times because I'm not familiar with the business side of stuff and the aspects of fantasy and emotion-created beings being put together into one story, this is something you should certainly be proud of creating.
Keep up the good work! And please remember this is purely my opinion on this, so don't take out your anger on me if that is how you are feeling as you read this.
After getting feedback from SomeSortOfAnimeBlogger1210 and making further expansion of the story, I present the revision of some concepts. Note that this story is used to promote the Capitalist culture (in some sense) so some background knowledge in the Capitalist ideology can be used as reference.
The invisible hand is based on its counterpart in the Capitalist ideology but this explain very little as the Capitalists barely define the invisible hand. The invisible hand will stay poorly-defined in the story to retain the same mysterious character from its real-life counterpart. The invisible hand is connected to the VR (or alternate space) but the exact nature of the connection will not be reveal. The invisible hand is suspected to be responsible for containing most of the magic within the VR worlds and the inability of the VR administrators to fully control their VR world.
To explain more about OPM, they cannot produce greed by themselves and relay on the greed from humans. They have fast development and reproduction rates under optimal condition. Only greed is vital to their survival but they can also feed on other dark human desires, human life force, or other thing that I had yet to come up with. Their ranking in their group is determined by their services to its members especially those of the higher rank. The 'string' in 'Despite showing string loyalty,' is a misspelling of 'strong'. For their objective, they mainly use appeasement tactics in the real world due to low magic manifestation while more violence is used in VR worlds. They represent the ideal Capitalist citizen.
Besides fighting in both the VR world and real world, the two factions in the story also conduct political campaigns and lobbying on policies related to the OPM. The policies that result from those debates determines the activities of the two sides especially in the real world. The plot is light, episodic, and focus on introducing the settings. I plan to make a sequel with a stronger plot development. Here is a prelude to explain more of the background plot:
Business Man: “My company will now withdraw support for you. You had allowed the Muslim terrorists to bypass your national security and damage the core of United States. The aftershock of the attack is affecting the nation even after this few years. The invasion had caused constant leakage of greed across the nation and it dramatically depletes our national supply of OPMs; we have less OPMs to run our oversea factories and less OPMs to sell in foreign wars. The attack also cause huge initial financial loss and discourage foreign investors. And the worse part is that it scares away my foreign workers.”
President Bush: “How many times do I have to tell you? The attack is unpredictable and no one could had prepared for it.”
Business Man: “You have no excuse for your ignorance! You were brought up under the invisible hand who empower all individuals to unlock their hidden power so they can overcome all hardship of life by themselves; the invasion can only occur by your lax security!”