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23 / M / Birmingham, UK
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Posted 2/14/17
When I had cancer I suppose though I was still cheerful and happy, can't really say I have a low point really, it was bad, people around me crying but I just got on with the treatment and when back to playing games, I just felt bad that I was making people cry was all, wasn't concerned with myself I knew I'd win
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Posted 2/14/17 , edited 2/21/17
my grade 10 and 11 years of High School, I was with a severely abusive boyfriend. He isolated me from my friends, told me they hated me, cut me off from loved ones and made fake KIK accounts online, posing as internet friends, to tell me to kill myself for being a worthless girlfriend. After we broke up, I was left without friends, having not spoken to anyone besides this boyfriend for months. I sat alone in my classes, and at lunch. I felt so alone and worthless, and almost offed myself a couple of times, and the fear and hurt still hasnt gone away, but I've mostly recovered and live a mostly normal life with the help of medication and therapy. So, that was probably my worst point in life haha:-s
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Posted 2/14/17
Everytime I order fast food and they forget the staws >:(

C'mon people smile no one hates you.
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In a galaxy far,...
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Posted 2/14/17 , edited 2/21/17
I couldn't find the remote for the T.V.
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Posted 2/14/17 , edited 2/21/17

DrunkenRampage wrote:

I couldn't find the remote for the T.V.


I love you and your exactly 69 cr points
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25 / M / CAN, ON
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Posted 2/14/17
Stupidity got the better of me.

Or maybe it was just confidence in my stupidity
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27 / M / Summoner's Rift
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Posted 2/14/17
The lowest point in my life came during my senior year in high school. A month before graduation, I found out my old best friend who had moved away 2 years prior committed suicide. It was so unexpected; it rocked the small school where we came from. Can't imagine what it's been like for his mom, dad, and little sister. He was always so loud, vibrant, and fun; there wasn't really single person I can think of he wasn't friends with. He lived fast, giving it his all every single day. Unfortunately, he also dealt with what I now think was steady, creeping depression and a sense of emptiness that slowly chipped away at his happiness and will to live. He tried so many things, drugs, alcohol, whatever he could get his hands on to attempt to deal with it; they only made things worse. We let all this drive a wedge between us. I really wish I could take back some of the things I said, some of the things I did. Thankfully, we were able to make up a bit before he moved away sophomore year. From there, I guess he continued to struggle with it until he hit a breaking point.

I'm sorry it's wordy and kinda off subject; maybe I shouldn't be talking about this at all. I've been reading the Crunchyroll Forum posts for years. Never have I posted anything (and I don't think I will ever again), but I feel like I had to say this: If you're in your lowest point, and you feel like you just can't deal with whatever it is any more, get help. Reach out to someone in your life, someone you know you can talk to, and just vent. Cry to them. A lot. Find someone who's been dealing with the same stuff you are, and ask for advice, guidance, and love. Take small, sure steps until you've defeated this thing and found your happiness and freedom. And whatever you do, even if the pain is too much to bear, even if all the world is against you, even if it's so easy and tempting to pull the trigger, take the pill, or hang the noose; NEVER EVER commit suicide. Better days are ahead. RIP Big Red.
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21 / M
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Posted 2/14/17
A couple years back there was a year that was pretty bad, I was bed ridden for a lot of it (sometimes I wouldn't even go outside for 2 weeks) and couldn't do much of anything other than sit with all the anxiety/fear that I was experiencing. Like my heart would beat so heavy and fast that I would physically cave in and tense up hard and if I would try to open up my posture I'd freak out cause it would feel so uncomfortable/painful. Sometimes it even got to the point where it felt like I was dying. Even went to the hospital a few times cause of what I was feeling was so overwhelming. When it quieted down a little I was desperately looking for ways to get rid of it and/or distract myself and do the things I needed to do cause I knew it would come back soon enough, but I was so taxed and exhausted both physically and mentally even during those times that it was hard to really do just about anything. Slowly more health problems started to pop up too which sucked. I felt so hopeless, weak, and alone for the longest time. I never really sought out any help after the initial scare, it also went unnoticed by my family after sometime since I never communicated what I was feeling to them or anyone really for that matter. It was a extremely scary and difficult af time in my life, but it lead to a great deal of growth cause of all the extremes I went though and the ways I handled it all. This continued cyclically for a good 3 years, but it was rarely as extreme as it was in the beginning and over time it began to show up less and less.

Fast forward to now and I don't experience much if any of the emotional turmoil and anxiety anymore, much of the physical exhaustion and health problems are gone too and life is pretty enjoyable overall and a hell of a lot easier.
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69 / M / Columbia, MO
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Posted 2/14/17 , edited 2/21/17
I'm trying not to convert this topic into a novella. I've lived longer than many of you atm. Please don't think of this as a contest to see who(m) will have the most depressing, deleterious life story as many of you have yet to finish yours assuming you get to live as long as I have.

Age 2: thrown through the windshield from a rolling 1950 Ford 4-door Woodie station wagon while traveling at reasonable velocity on a paved 2-lane Missouri highway after being run off the road by a passing truck. Found 150' away along Wabash RR right-of-way. One of many reasons I survived was 1-piece insulated uni-suit made for toddlers when traveling. Severe head injury: L-shape souvenir across my skull, still experience trauma / acting out when eye doctors attempt try to touch my cornea during eye exams. It's a carryover from operation on skull putting my brain back together when I was 2. This was 1 experience from tha trauma that didn't become a repressed memory.

Death of father: 1st LCU aka Life Change Unit: the 1 memory repressed was loss of my father due to this accident. I have zero recollection of him at all. I suppose I miss him but, other than photographs of his past and martial / familial shots, I have never shed a tear about his passage as my earliest recall memory came at age 3. I do carry his name.

2nd LCU, School change during teen years: overrated: as a teenager moved from small coed school of 320 students where I knew everyone, even had an idea who my gf would likely be following year to a behemoth metropolitan area high school 1200 miles away that was not yet coed in 1962 and had 3600 guys. The other last non-coed school in the city of Baltimore was across the street and contained 3300 girls. The 4-lane boulevard that separated the 2 institutions was heavily patrolled by truant officials between 8AM-2:45PM during school hours where 1 infraction too many re trespassing on opposite school property meant a visit to the vice-principal's office, possibly suspension. I had no girl friends at all through HS years, none. I made ten friends during those 3 years at HS before college attendance. Big plus was the grades: nothing to do there but study so C- average from small social school rose to A grade end senior year. Could have graduated 1 year early but lacked 2 courses doing so. Turned down a paid 4-yr scholarship to a military college (personal reasons) upon HS graduation with honor. Stated goal was to get accepted by a 4-yr college of my choosing preparing for something I thought I could excel at.

Looking back I realized this wasn't my mother's idea or doing during her medical career in government but some malcontent nurse supervisor who got transferred to Center for Federal Prisoners where Mom / I were stationed from Washington, DC. Rather than operate in her capacity within the Prison System this old gal transferred us out so she could impress the managerial brass back in Washington with her staff organizational skills. Following year this gal got transferred as per her wish but not to the East Coast; rather, an Indian Hospital located Tuba City, AZ, even further away from her beloved DC. The 2nd nurse she tried to switch out knew how to play the game with the brass whereas my mother cared not to go that route. I do not blame either but am happy Gibbs got her deserved career come-uppance playing with people's lives for personal gain. Too bad the brass couldn't send this bitch straight to Hell.

3rd LCU: First stroll 4-yr University, 1965-1970: nothing remarkable here: Vietnam War was in full swing. Didn't know what I wanted to do but did know where I didn't want to go. I became a cynical bastard surviving Baltimore during high school. Here I evolved into something not only cynical but negative also. Low points: crappy grades, zero social life account poor attitude. On Scholastic probation for 3 years, made Dean's List final year so I could get out. However, lackluster GPA meant zero job prospects. Avoided draft into Army thanks to a Doctor's Letter (legit reasons, not invented). Also laudable in a twisted way: voted Most Over-Sexed 2 years running in my dorm. My poster girl pic count on walls used as benchmark for rest of campus dorms following years: limit of 4 instead of.........

Low-point: Graduation from College: no job. Crappy grades. Many rejection letters.

4th LCU: Became self-employed 1971. Mother co-signed note, bought a big rig, drove my life away off and on next 15 years: 9 as an owner-operator, 6 as someone's driver with their equipment. Voted most likely to quit when graduated company rig school 1971 that hired me (again, attitude). I did a lot of maturing on this job, outlasted everyone in my class of 35 until I left owner-operator 1980. No money there at all thanks to spiraling inflation, struggling economy.

Dating skills while in transition from college graduation 1970 to owner-operator end 1980: back then I got home 4x / year. I had truck payments and my Mother held the note so quitting was not an option if I got frustrated / abused while OTR. Luckily, all of my lady friends were intelligent women who did not wish to be with someone gone 11 weeks out of 12. I watched this industry kill marriages account father never home, father became a philanderer / gambler / alcoholic. Excellent position (besides priesthood) to remain single by. Era was pre-internet. CB radios came on scene by 1974. I learned to live in my head. Come to realization that being with anyone while OTR wasn't in anyone's best interests. Spent 3 Christmases in a row out in eastern Montana at either a truck stop or roadside rest area listening to the radio. Yahoo: where men are men and sheep are nervous.

Reinvented myself 1987: quit trucking account no money to be made in it (exception was heavy-construction haulage). Went back to school focused on "amounting to something". Got another college degree in Technology: computer drafting (and more). High GPA, got hired 2 months later with an architectural manufacturing firm.

5th LCU: Nomadic conversion to domesticity: Hardest hurdle was coming out of my rational shell living in my head relying on my hobbies, relatives, friends to carry the day. I had roots now, decent job, stable environment. Should've been happy, right? Well, something was missing and my worst fears about reaching out beyond my safe zones were out in full bloom. I could hear the inner voice: Dude, guess what...it's time to socialize, date, find someone, maybe a significant other. I avoided this possibility as long as I could. Ultimately, I faced my fears about dating, rejection, et al and moved forward, either committing a lot of social faux pas or inventing new ones, and so on. And I did, after getting spurned / dumped / rejected / avoided many times, finally did meet someone. Truth be known I thought I had met my wife.

Not to be. At 42, having "enjoyed" a rather nomadic military and early employment life getting there, a harsh reality intervened in this relationship. In this lady's mind I possessed horrible relating skills on how to woo the opposite gender so I got replaced / dumped / substituted by a gentleman more attuned to her desire(s) as a suitable mate. This rejection hit me harder than all the other fails I'd encountered before meeting her. Long story shortened: the emotional toll I subjected myself to over this loss cost me my job with this firm. So much for domestication, working white collar.

The plus from this: I discovered mentally I had no time to worry about potential mate loss I had to find work. And here was a good time to consider suicide. Lol, that thought lasted 10 seconds. I rejected that idea so fast I almost made myself proud being so forthright about THAT decision not to.

6th LCU: Regression: fall back on old skills. Drove company rig 48-states, 2600+ miles / week, all-weather, solo. Needed 2900 miles week to earn what I considered decent pay and still be log legal. Got in trouble with company once re log fiction: drove 5800 miles in 8-day period solo. Dark side on my end but nice check until logs arrived at headquarters (pre-internet / computer era; relied on snail mail). Taken to task over this: suspended for 1 week, placed on probation 6 months with understanding 1 strike meant termination. Low point was yet to come. Road rage issue on Interstate with motorist who turned out to be law enforcement landed me a 20-hour overnight stay in a metropolitan area west Texas jail. (I've related this tale previous times so will abstain details). Bonded out. Stayed 3 weeks awaiting probable court date that never came. Left area on Amtrak. Rig was still impounded 3 weeks forward when I left.

Low point: you bet! Look at this track record for a guy aged 43+.

A few positives: my mother & I had lost touch connecting with each other over time. She never put me down re my failures but with her money came first and so it seemed to me. She never remarried when Dad died 1950. When she got contacted by the bondsman re my situation in west Texas everything in our relationship changed.......for the better over time. She posted the bond following day. I hired a local lawyer, paid the high retainer hoping with his help my sentencing would be lenient.

While home working toward, oh no, another degree reinventing myself my mother grew ill from pancreatic cancer. I tended to her needs 2 years before she died 1998. Low point: yes, but I had 2 years to prepare for the loss. Dated off and on afterward. Nothing ever quite worked out between myself and the ladies I chose to date.

LCU: choosing style over substance in a potential mate 2003-2004: Gloss over: met someone 4 years younger than me through a neighbor. Uber cute, Master's Degree in Special Needs background, only 3" shorter than me. I had earned enough graduate school training in Psychology right before Mom passed away that made me suspect this lady wasn't all she was presenting herself as. Even so, I let myself get persuaded into setting a marriage date with her 9 months out figuring what needed to be known would be known by then and compounded that error having her move in to my house. Wow! Wtf, dude. At 54 you can't be that lonely.

Bi-polar individual as I later learned from her ex. I guess I should've realized that when she told me she had lived in 17 different places in the last 19 years with 4 different bf, all which were still married to their spouses. Style over substance: that aside I thought she was drop dead gorgeous. Guys' heads would turn when we walked down the sidewalk as a couple. Wow, subconsciously I was in Heaven. Sadly, the ensuing weeks were hell. She was interesting. I will say that much.

Stats: my side of the family were social drinkers but not alcoholics. I had a 40 yr accumulation of liquor in that house. This gal knocked out all of it in less than 6-months' time. Straight vermouth was the only liquid she didn't down. Very depressed individual. Budget: went from 70-30 (me-her) to (95-5) you owe me within 3 months' time. I changed the locks 3x but relented each time. I desperately wanted this relationship to work out. Not to be, thank God. I called off the wedding 5 days out. Moved her out a few weeks later at my expense while she was at work. She came "home" early, saw the moving vans on the property, promptly called the sheriff.

I wish I had a record of that transcript. Probably my finest hour diplomatically representing my side during the tirade of screams across the room by her. Sheriff sided with me. She eventually left. Thankfully I had the locks changed while she was at work. No kids involved, thank God. Low point: At that time I was still a single person. Only this time, as a single person, I sure knew what divorce was like.

I've had a lot of help over time handling these life choices. I strongly urge anyone to seek counseling when it is apparent your coping skills may not be enough. I never sought alcohol or sanctioned medication route. Life is a struggle. The more insight you can grant yourself with assistance along the journey, the better off you may be when you arrive at your final destination.
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Posted 2/14/17 , edited 2/14/17
started to feel it again recently, can't sleep.
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26 / M / Leanbox, Gameindu...
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Posted 2/14/17 , edited 2/14/17
Many years ago an ex dumped me on my b day, younger brother almost died and my grandfather actually did die all in the same week. needless to say, I fell into a 3-4 month long hell of depression doing nothing other than borderline passing my classes, sleeping and not really talking to anyone all that much. Luckily, I finally snapped out of it by summer of that year, but my health suffered because of it too (not going outside a lot).

Bonus question: nothing time just needed to pass I guess
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Posted 2/14/17
I suppose since I don't feel particularly bad or excited about any particular potion of my life, I haven't experienced this 'lowest point' thing. It's only recently that I've started to really realize that my past was probably pretty awful, in a meaningless way.
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Posted 2/15/17 , edited 2/15/17
I don't know if i should really talk about this. I might feel better at this very moment maybe its time to let someone know. I don't really talk to anyone about this, but this is the lowest point in my whole life. My best friend who was also my 1st girl friend and childhood friend(she also was the person who got me into manga and anime.) . she was half German, half Japanese. she was killed by a drunk driver right in-front of me, I instinctive just jump out of the way. It's one of my biggest regrets in life. I am crying now as I am writing this. even though it been a few years it still affects me. I could have pushed her out of the way or pulled her with me. i didn't, and i hated my self for it to this day. i still haven't forgiven my self for this, it was the longest relationship I ever had almost 6 years. this all happen when I was in the middle of teenager years. after her family found out I went to see them after sometime. devastated we were all an emotional wreck. her father was old school Japanese guy. we talked for a long time alone and he wanted me to avenge his daughter, he convened me that revenge would be the right thing to do. (When it wasn’t.) he gave me a hand gun and wanted me to kill man who did this. because he got away with it. he got out of getting arrested. didn't even loss his license never even attempted to apologize. part of me wanted revenge and I wasn't think straight. I found the man that did this and beat the shit out of him, he plead for his life. he said he was sorry never intended to kill anyone. he couldn't even approach the family or me because he felt so bad, he claimed no words or apologize would take back what would happen. he told me he had a family. etc. all while this was going on I had the gun to his head, i was shaking. He was shaking. There were so many different emotions and feeling going threw me. I was about to do it when I realized this isn't what I want, revenge won't make me feel better, this isn't what she wanted. my hands shaking, i was crying. I never wanted to kill anyone. I ran. he never called the police. I never heard from him again or saw him. I next went in to the woods. I put the gun to my head, i felt like i wanted to die. i wanted to kill myself. I put the gun to my head I sat there for hours i don't even know how long I was there. then I realized if i kill myself its not different than running away. it also won't just affect me, it would affect my family, how would they feel if i did that my friends it will affect everyone. ruining not just my life but other peoples. so after. I went back to see her farther told him was happened. I couldn't do I told him not what I really wanted or his daughter, or even what he wanted. next he started to beat the hell out of me, and I let him for about almost minute. then the pain kick in i finally felt it all the different emotions the feelings started to happen. I thought i was going to beat me to death. then the rage hit and my adrenaline and I fought back, then it just stopped. both of us exhausted. I don't know how long it lasted for. we end of talking. her mother and younger sister came in. all of us an emotional wreck, her father told me i was just as much as fault as the drunk driver was, I didn't protect his daughter, i didn't avenger his daughter. her mother and younger sister complete disagreed with him. after that I never spoke to them again. except for her younger sister. then short after they moved and didn't want any contact with me. I never even told my family about this kept it hidden to them even 2 this day. this event fucked me up mentally and physically. I didn’t sleep for a few days. I started to hear voice and talk to her on the 4th day and my grandfather, or so I thought I did. all i felt was pain. Physically I just hurt everywhere, even after everything was healed. I still felt emotional pain. then numbness. I didn't care really about anything not even myself. I closed my self-off to the world and everyone around me for a while. i was really depressed. I lost all my friends. I couldn't even talk about this with anyone for a longtime. during high school I was bullied it really didn’t bother me but didn’t help my situation. I fought back and then people were scared of me. I got into a lot of fights. I started to loss trust in people. i didn't really have any friends after this. I had a hard time making new friends and connecting with old once. I couldn’t tell anyone what happened. Very few people know and they only know part of the story. I then started to date some people, even having sex, but nothing made me feel better. except it took time. next I played a lot of video games and talked to people online, watched anime. Working out. I did a lot of martial arts throughout my whole life. I started at 4 years old so I already had my morals and values ethics set in at a young age that I lived by. This also helped a lot… but really the only thing that helped me feel better was my cat, he was my only friend, he was the only thing that kept me going. i started to feel better. things started to improve in my life. years go by but i still think about her. years went by. i finished up high school went to college. made new friends had many new relationships. I learned a lot about my self growing up. while I was in college my parents got a divorce. still to this day never told them what happened. I thought things were finally improving in my life. then last year on oct 31st 2016. my cat passed away. I had him since he was 6 weeks old. I had him since I was a child. I got him at 6 weeks old. he had a great life, and he loved me very much also. he wasn't a normal cat. he loved people. he couldn't stand to be alone. he loved to be held and around people. he would wait at the door for me to come home. he meowed to his name. you could talk to him and he would talk back he followed me where ever I go. I couldn't even use the bathroom alone or take a shower. he slept with me every night. I never really slept alone for most of my life. I always slept next to someone. I am still adjusting. now I just come home and I am alone. I have no one to turn to, I mean I still have my family. but nothing last forever, so enjoy it while you can. I am grateful for the people and animals that were in my life and they truly made me happy. now I have nothing but memories. These events shaped me as the person I am today. all I feel is pain at this moment right now. it’s hard. I can't even sleep., but I know they pain will fade away, for pain is temporary, and next year will be different. Then I felt like all this again. This was the lowest point in my life again. I wish I could have done things differently. I wish things end up differently. But I can’t change the past. I can only learn from it. I can decide what I do in the present which will control my future. This was the lowest point and the worst I ever felt in my whole life. Part of me feels better, part of me feels worse… time will tell. Not trying to compared to anyone else, just my experience. I don’t really like to talk about this. Never really have written about this before either. There is always tomorrow no matter how bad things are, just take things one day at a time and keep telling your self-things will get better.
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Posted 2/15/17
It was sophomore year of high school. A few friends were giving me a 16th birthday party when my mom got a call from the hospital. It seemed something happened to my dad at work. When telling them we'll be there as fast as we can they answered "no hurry, he's dead anyway". I would've got arrested when I saw the Dr if it wasn't for my family holding me back.

For reasons too deep to get into I blamed myself for my dad's death. It was proven later to be the fault of someone else but they got away with it. I also blamed myself for laughing and having fun with my friends while my father was dying without me knowing it yet.

Over the next few months I'd have my dad's family tell my mother she was no longer part of their family since he was now dead and I still could be if I abandoned my allegiances to her. She's the type of person who helps everyone while my father's family was full of arresties for numerous crimes from assault and bunco to attempted murder and murder. My dad was the white sheep of that family (the rest were all black sheep material top to bottom). My choice was easy to make and I never saw my dad's family again.

A few months later my 12 yr old pup developed a brain tumor. We brought her to a new vet who was only supposed to look at her and see what could be done. We arrived to be handed a $600 bill for her euthanization. They "decided" to put her to sleep without informing us or giving us a chance to take her to someone else for a second opinion. They refused to release her body until we paid them in full.

Well that was about the time I snapped and went suicidal and destructive. In the end I ended up quitting school after going from an A/B student to failing every class (and skipping many), getting in all sorts of fights, pushing away the one who got away and feeling happy there were two attempts on my life and realizing I actually wanted to die.

I spent the next 2-3 years living as a shut-in, listening to death metal in the dark and wanting to die. I've had other low points, but this was definitely the worst.
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Posted 2/15/17
My depression of 17 years and being a shut-in for 14 years. It broke all of a sudden, but those years were the low point. 17 years of lost time felt immeasurable. Like I had never done a single thing for myself. I had no room that was mine, no bed that was mine, no space that was just mine, no pictures, no money. I did have a cat that I loved and loved me and the ability to code. It felt too small. 17 years of ignoring myself. Waves of despair washed over me when all of that came together. I'd made a vow with a girl to never kill myself, when I was six. That was the only time before when I'd tried. I held onto that vow which kept me from doing anything drastic.

That was 3 years ago, when I was 30. I decided to work on fixing myself after I'd withstood that pounding urge. Diet, exercise, hygiene, skin-care, and tracing my past. I'd tried to reconnect with old friends but so much time had passed that it felt like I was from a different planet. Their experiences were so different from mine. None of them had contacted me after I'd moved when I was 14. It felt like we had nothing in common anymore.

My first ex posted an immediate confession of love for me, which drove a spike of anxiety in me. My best friend from back then committed suicide shortly after I'd reached out to him. I started keeping things to myself after that, which just worsened things. 2 1/2 years later, I recovered and managed to integrate the repressed memory that had caused my anxiety. That was last July. I had to do all that on my own.

How it got so bad? I was unlucky and just ignored by everyone, I think. This girl I'd liked had triggered an anxiety attack when she'd jumped on me by surprise after I'd turned 14. She didn't realize what was happening to me since she was facing away, but my best friend saw me and got her off me. She was angry at me. I hadn't known why'd I'd reacted like that at the time and I didn't tell anyone because I'd felt ashamed of myself. My grandfather received some bad news about his health and decided to move me back with my mom right after, away from my friends.

I was the new kid, then, and no one had known me prior to the attack. I'd changed and had become anxiety riddled. I used to play baseball, play D&D, ride my bike all hours, and swim all summer long. I'd been the Haruhi Suzumiya of our group, riding my bike around, and just popping into people's lives to hang out. Six months later, I hadn't made any friends in my new high school, quiet and withdrawn, ignored. I stopped caring for myself.

My Japanese class was the only class I loved besides discussing literature occasionally. Adam Driver was memorable. He'd get in trouble but the teachers got flustered about punishing him. Besides that, I rushed home to read books or play RPGs by myself. Sometimes I hung out with my twin's friends. We never talked about anything really important, though. I think I was looking for an answer in those stories.

There was a cheerleader who went out of her way to say hello to me when she saw me. She'd asked me to watch her in a parade once and threw me a flower made of paper. I don't remember her name. My mom had gotten into trouble and we moved in the middle of the night. I had to go first without being able to take anything, to babysit. My twin brother left all my high school stuff behind. Her name, her flower, gone. I remember thinking that girl was hiding a similar pain I was feeling when I'd looked into her eyes. I think she'd noticed mine, too. I hope she was able to survive hers.

At my newest high school, I had been offered Marine officer training and I'd wanted to go, to change the fear and bleakness I'd felt for so long. I figured they'd break that somehow, but my mom begged me to stay. My stepfather had left her and my half-brothers. I put my family before me and that was the final nail in the coffin of my depression. My two half-brothers were diagnosed with autism a couple years after that and my mom became physically disabled. My life became a full-time job of taking care of them but not taking care of myself.

I just ignored my needs. My mom ignored, or maybe even took advantage, of my withdrawing from the world. My brothers didn't notice. I never asked for help since I didn't know I needed any. I had online friends and they helped me to teach myself to code over the years which was fun for a while and I'm good at it, but it started feeling empty like I was running away and avoiding. I tried to go back recently since I'd dealt with my issues, but for the most part, it felt the same.

This year's different though. No more anxiety. I have things. I write. I have plans. I think I'm more attractive than not, now, since I can look in the mirror and think that I am. I've had phone calls, from no one important, but they called me and I talked to them. I have a cell phone. It's not a smart phone, but it doesn't matter. Waiting on my birth certificate to get my ID. A proof of existence. Also, I had chosen willingly to carry that anxiety, when I was 4 or 5, to save everyone I cared about because they'd been threatened because of what I knew. It gives me a whole well of strength to draw from some days. A core truth of myself. I try to save others. There are reflections of that throughout my life.

Also, having nothing means freedom, from a different perspective. One friend had been envious of me when I said I'd had nothing. I didn't really understand why until I thought about it and came to that conclusion.
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