First  Prev  1  2  3  Next  Last
Post Reply Please Share Your Paragraph! Get It Rated And Comment On!
2766 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 4/12/17

sundin13 wrote:

As for your paragraph, I'd say 6/10. Not bad, but a little clunky at times and I'm not sure if this is a personal thing, but I don't like directly addressing senses. Basically, I try to not say "she could feel the frost cut through her throat" and instead just say "the frost cut through her throat". I think it makes things sound cleaner.


Thanks for the feedback. I notice the same issues with most of my writing. Do you have other suggestions on how to make it less clunky? I have a bad habit of writing sentences that kind of ramble but I don't know how to fix it.
4054 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
29 / M / UK
Offline
Posted 4/12/17
wiping the sweat from his brow, he was angry. this had shown on his face, all over his skin. he assaulted the wall, then collected himself. he calmly walked out the front door, into the blinding light, leaving the darkness behind, to rot in his apartment

yay I wrote something. wheres my golden quill from Shakespeare?
15748 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M
Online
Posted 4/12/17

adrianc0 wrote:


sundin13 wrote:

As for your paragraph, I'd say 6/10. Not bad, but a little clunky at times and I'm not sure if this is a personal thing, but I don't like directly addressing senses. Basically, I try to not say "she could feel the frost cut through her throat" and instead just say "the frost cut through her throat". I think it makes things sound cleaner.


Thanks for the feedback. I notice the same issues with most of my writing. Do you have other suggestions on how to make it less clunky? I have a bad habit of writing sentences that kind of ramble but I don't know how to fix it.


Oh man, I love when people like hearing feedback. Writing critique is not only super fun, but it helps get my creative juices flowing too Heres a few more suggestions:

-Don't start multiple sentences in a row with the same word unless you are specifically trying to be using repetition. I think starting the first three sentences with "she" makes your paragraph less smooth to read.
-Sentence length is really important to how people read your paragraph. If you want to write a paragraph where your character's heart is pounding and their head is racing a mile a minute, try to write short, to the point sentences. If you want a slow, contemplative paragraph, write longer sentences, jam-packed with detail. While variation in sentence length is good (I want to emphasize that variation in sentence length is very important), your sentence pacing makes me not really sure if its supposed to be fast or slow paced. Context makes this a lot easier for the reader, but it is still good to keep in mind.
-Its really tough without any context, but try to keep your metaphors and imagery focused around a motif. In this paragraph you talk about "frost cutting through her throat", "the boulder in her throat" and "the lock around her neck" and the "drumming in her head". Its a lot of disparate images. If I were writing this, I would try basically write a story with my imagery. Also, remember that one really good metaphor is better than a bunch of disposable ones. Its tough to explain in words, so I sort of rewrote a bit of the paragraph: She inhaled sharply. The frost cut through her throat, setting her lungs ablaze. She swallowed, to douse the flames. Moments later, she came up gasping for air. It was a strange sensation; the feeling of burning underwater, but she was sure this is exactly what it would feel like.


Overall, I like the repetition you used on purpose and you seem to have a good grasp on the fundamentals. I think if it reads a little more smoothly, the impact will be greatly improved. If you don't already, try reading your writing out loud. I find it helps with point one and two.

Hope I helped!
48790 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / New Jersey, USA
Offline
Posted 4/12/17
Alrighty then, let's keep the ball rolling in this thread.
2766 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Offline
Posted 4/12/17

sundin13 wrote:


Oh man, I love when people like hearing feedback. Writing critique is not only super fun, but it helps get my creative juices flowing too Heres a few more suggestions:

-Don't start multiple sentences in a row with the same word unless you are specifically trying to be using repetition. I think starting the first three sentences with "she" makes your paragraph less smooth to read.
-Sentence length is really important to how people read your paragraph. If you want to write a paragraph where your character's heart is pounding and their head is racing a mile a minute, try to write short, to the point sentences. If you want a slow, contemplative paragraph, write longer sentences, jam-packed with detail. While variation in sentence length is good (I want to emphasize that variation in sentence length is very important), your sentence pacing makes me not really sure if its supposed to be fast or slow paced. Context makes this a lot easier for the reader, but it is still good to keep in mind.
-Its really tough without any context, but try to keep your metaphors and imagery focused around a motif. In this paragraph you talk about "frost cutting through her throat", "the boulder in her throat" and "the lock around her neck" and the "drumming in her head". Its a lot of disparate images. If I were writing this, I would try basically write a story with my imagery. Also, remember that one really good metaphor is better than a bunch of disposable ones. Its tough to explain in words, so I sort of rewrote a bit of the paragraph: She inhaled sharply. The frost cut through her throat, setting her lungs ablaze. She swallowed, to douse the flames. Moments later, she came up gasping for air. It was a strange sensation; the feeling of burning underwater, but she was sure this is exactly what it would feel like.


Overall, I like the repetition you used on purpose and you seem to have a good grasp on the fundamentals. I think if it reads a little more smoothly, the impact will be greatly improved. If you don't already, try reading your writing out loud. I find it helps with point one and two.

Hope I helped!


Wow, thanks for the detailed response. Yeah, the repetition was on purpose but after a while I got lazy with it haha. I'm not even sure what effect I was trying to convey. I guess I was just sad about something and trying to show that. The "frost" part was literal though even though it probably wasn't obvious. As for the pacing, I didn't really think about it but I guess I was going for something slow like when time slows down in a movie and every noise sounds louder. I like how you revised it. It sounds cleaner and gives a vivid image.

Sorry, qualeisha, I didn't mean to take up so much space with my responses
48790 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / New Jersey, USA
Offline
Posted 4/13/17

adrianc0 wrote:

Sorry, qualeisha, I didn't mean to take up so much space with my responses


It's fine.


13403 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Perth, Western Au...
Offline
Posted 4/14/17

In past lives I walked the depths of hell,
I'll tell you now the devil knows me well
Not everything is as it seems, deranged & twisted
Riddles deciphering as we speak
The demons I choose to keep
Unleashing them upon this world
To set the evil free

No control upon my foes
Movements unreadable
Doom upon the fools
Worship a false prophet
Now praise it

Watch the darkness sweep in
By the night, mystery unfolds
The deck of cards, shuffled
Energy restored

Now you are condemned
You sold your soul for a penny and a dime
You are nothing but a waste of time
The devil has your soul
Just another rat, in the race
Another nameless disgrace

Tell me how you will escape death
When you create nothing
God loves me, I share his wealth
You create nothing
Bitch, try & break free

I spread my wings and astrally fly
Across the universe
My higher being
Transcends moral understanding
Higher power with unlimited training

Filth like you, hating on Gods creations
While you have crafted nothing
Lights have gone out, the crowd has departed
The monster you deceived, and the machine you hated
Grinded you to dust, by time you shall be crushed.
48790 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / New Jersey, USA
Offline
Posted 4/15/17

ExiAHesP wrote:


In past lives I walked the depths of hell,
I'll tell you now the devil knows me well
Not everything is as it seems, deranged & twisted
Riddles deciphering as we speak
The demons I choose to keep
Unleashing them upon this world
To set the evil free

No control upon my foes
Movements unreadable
Doom upon the fools
Worship a false prophet
Now praise it

Watch the darkness sweep in
By the night, mystery unfolds
The deck of cards, shuffled
Energy restored

Now you are condemned
You sold your soul for a penny and a dime
You are nothing but a waste of time
The devil has your soul
Just another rat, in the race
Another nameless disgrace

Tell me how you will escape death
When you create nothing
God loves me, I share his wealth
You create nothing
Bitch, try & break free

I spread my wings and astrally fly
Across the universe
My higher being
Transcends moral understanding
Higher power with unlimited training

Filth like you, hating on Gods creations
While you have crafted nothing
Lights have gone out, the crowd has departed
The monster you deceived, and the machine you hated
Grinded you to dust, by time you shall be crushed.



I can't accept this. Try again.

39169 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
M
Offline
Posted 4/15/17 , edited 4/15/17

adrianc0 wrote:


omlettespammer wrote:

7/10 mainly for lack of context, but then again does a random paragraph really have one?

could anyone also attempt to band these together as the same story? still off the top of their heads, but sounding halfway to a single story maybe


Haha yeah, there's literally no context to it so it's up to interpretation.

That would be interesting to see.



Sounds like an asthma attack...

EDIT:

The pressure on his chest threatened to get worse, but didn't. The strange distant rumbling noise would not stop, sometimes getting louder, sometimes softer. Something brushed against his chin. He began to become concerned as a cold wet sensation assaulted his nose. The distant rumbling became louder and the pressure on on his chest shifted. Again, something brushed underneath his chin. He opened his eyes and found his cat, laying comfortably, resting on his chest, purring and looking at him expectantly.
13403 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / Perth, Western Au...
Offline
Posted 4/15/17

qualeshia3 wrote:


ExiAHesP wrote:


In past lives I walked the depths of hell,
I'll tell you now the devil knows me well
Not everything is as it seems, deranged & twisted
Riddles deciphering as we speak
The demons I choose to keep
Unleashing them upon this world
To set the evil free

No control upon my foes
Movements unreadable
Doom upon the fools
Worship a false prophet
Now praise it

Watch the darkness sweep in
By the night, mystery unfolds
The deck of cards, shuffled
Energy restored

Now you are condemned
You sold your soul for a penny and a dime
You are nothing but a waste of time
The devil has your soul
Just another rat, in the race
Another nameless disgrace

Tell me how you will escape death
When you create nothing
God loves me, I share his wealth
You create nothing
Bitch, try & break free

I spread my wings and astrally fly
Across the universe
My higher being
Transcends moral understanding
Higher power with unlimited training

Filth like you, hating on Gods creations
While you have crafted nothing
Lights have gone out, the crowd has departed
The monster you deceived, and the machine you hated
Grinded you to dust, by time you shall be crushed.



I can't accept this. Try again.



Why, can't you accept this?

What's wrong with it in your opinion

Why should I care if you accept it or not

48790 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / New Jersey, USA
Offline
Posted 4/15/17

ExiAHesP wrote:

Why, can't you accept this?

What's wrong with it in your opinion

Why should I care if you accept it or not




You're not even doing it right. You're just doing your own thing.

Was that a poem or a paragraph from your original novel?

READ THE FIRST PAGE WHERE I TYPED!!!
15748 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M
Online
Posted 4/15/17

ExiAHesP wrote:

Why, can't you accept this?

What's wrong with it in your opinion

Why should I care if you accept it or not



Well, I mean, it isn't a paragraph... It doesn't belong in this thread.
Humms 
12582 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
25 / M / CAN, ON
Offline
Posted 4/15/17
So I don't know what to rate, So Ill just go with DeadlyOats post. Id give it a 8/10 basically slowly beginning to feel these sensations as you wake up to a cat lying on top of you. It makes for a good transition

As for mine. This is just a small Snippet from my story.

“ Those who have lived will inherit the promises of the ones who send deliverance.” Lord Razza speaks. Sitting Upon his throne he does not look up, but making his presence known.

” You are never one to be late with your findings. However… You have Found them with the one I seek, explain yourself” His tone is deep and dark, His eyes sharper than steel as he finally gazes upon the group, sending a cold chill down everyones spine.

” My lord, they were lost and without direction, I simply took it upon myself to aid them in finding civilization”

” The life of another is not determined by your actions!” Lord Razza ruthlessly exclaims; sending a thunderous tone towards the group. Shtickles recognizing the seriousness of the situation he calmly responds.

“ My lord, they are still offered the same treatment just like anyone I encounter, I am only trying to reason with you“

Lord Razza stands from his throne and begins to walk towards the group slowly as an immense presence is felt throughout the room. Outfitted with a cape and some fine clothing that represents royalty within this world. His sharp purple hair and menacing features take hold.
39169 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
M
Offline
Posted 4/15/17 , edited 4/16/17
Sample One:

Just as the woman stood at the threshold, Darth Virulous pivoted from the side of the doorway and grabbed the woman by the throat. Using The Force to assist, she pulled her into the room, again using The Force, this time to crush the woman's larynx.

The woman could not scream, but she flailed her arms and legs, as she thrashed on the floor. Virulous worried that someone might hear the noise, so the Sith lord used The Force to sever the woman's mind from her body. The woman lay unmoving with her arms and legs left still but in strange angles. The woman slowly suffocated. She would die shortly thereafter. Darth Virulous was too preoccupied trying to determine if anyone else was approaching the conference room to notice the woman's tears as she slowly faded away.


Sample Two:

Andronikos was furious. He was furious at the tough Chiss woman with the pretty face, for tricking him. He was furious at himself, for letting his guard down so completely. Andronikos had to face reality, and revise this idea of his about being safe in Hutt space.

"I knew Hutt space was harsh and unforgiving, but I haven't even been on Nar Shaddaa for two weeks!"

Andronikos was a proud man, so it hurt his pride to think, "Dammit! I'm a tough guy! Why do I gotta hire bodyguards?!"
1491 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
Canada, Toronto
Offline
Posted 4/17/17
I go with sample two of the above post and give it a 7/10 for developing a culture. The paragraph seem to reflect a masculine culture with emphasis on physical toughness and independence. It may reflect the culture of honor seen in the Southern white people of US especially among those families who where historically shepherds.

I will introduce my draft paragraph from one of my upcoming story:

Humans use a headset to access this VR space with a combination of magic and modern technology. Humans enter this VR space for many reasons; some come as players of MMO game, some come for research or monster breeding, and some come to kill the monsters before they enter the real world. Wars constantly break out in this VR space in response to the mass layoff of human workers by the employment of monsters. The two factions of the wars are the monster right advocate and the nativist who are, respectively, affiliated with liberalism and populism.
First  Prev  1  2  3  Next  Last
You must be logged in to post.