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Post Reply Please Share Your Paragraph! Get It Rated And Comment On!
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Posted 4/17/17

sinoakayumi wrote:



I will introduce my draft paragraph from one of my upcoming story:

Humans use a headset to access this VR space with a combination of magic and modern technology. Humans enter this VR space for many reasons; some come as players of MMO game, some come for research or monster breeding, and some come to kill the monsters before they enter the real world. Wars constantly break out in this VR space in response to the mass layoff of human workers by the employment of monsters. The two factions of the wars are the monster right advocate and the nativist who are, respectively, affiliated with liberalism and populism.


Like you said, it's a draft, and it's very rough. It doesn't tell a story, but it does outline a good idea for a story.


The technician explained, "This headset accesses VR Space. This tech uses a combination of Open Knowledge Magic and proprietary hardware developed by Synodyne Technologies."

He looked quite proud of the technology as he pointed out, a limitation that was designed into the VR hardware.

He said, "The tech is specifically tuned to synchronize with human users. This is so that humans can enter VR Space environments for any number of applications."

The project evaluator asked, "What kinds of applications?"

The tech replied, "MMO gaming, research and development, monster breading, as well as monster population control. We don't want those beasts entering Real Space, which is why it is especially tuned to human brain wave patterns."

The project manager asked, "Real Space? What's that?"

The technician clarified, "I'm sorry. That's technical mumbo jumbo." He laughed and told her, "It means the real world. There are those that don't want those monsters coming into our world to take any more jobs. You know?"

The project manager didn't get the answer she was looking for.

She asked him, "Is it true that there are wars being fought in VR Space? Or is that just one of the MMO games being played?"

The tech realized what she was up to. She was looking for sympathizers within the organization.

He was rather offended that she would think that he cared about such trivialities, and he let her know it, telling the project manager, "Look. I know what's going on in there. It isn't technically a game. I mean, technically it is a game, but it isn't." Then he clarified, what he meant, telling her, "An MMO game lets you come back to Real Space when you want to quit playing. For example after your avatar is destroyed. Those morons participating in the VR Space war, don't come back, though. If they die in-game, they die."

He told her exactly what he thought about that.

"Personally, I think think it's stupid to fight a war to keep monsters from coming into Real Space. But then, it's just as stupid to risk your life fighting to allow those monsters into Real Space. Those nativists and monster rights groups are both batty."

Nativisism was a movement that advocated the prevention of monsters from entering Real Space. They were the populists. The other faction, the Monster Rights Advocates, believed that monsters didn't have to stay in their own space. They were the liberals.

The technician just thought to himself, "This is all a load of crap! All I care about is improving the tech, so that it can get out of Beta testing and be approved for worldwide sales and distribution!"

He had poured his life and soul into making this technology what it was, and was dissappointed to see it used in this manner.
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Posted 4/17/17

sinoakayumi wrote:

I go with sample two of the above post and give it a 7/10 for developing a culture. The paragraph seem to reflect a masculine culture with emphasis on physical toughness and independence. It may reflect the culture of honor seen in the Southern white people of US especially among those families who where historically shepherds.

.


Just for context, in sample two, Andronikos is a semi-retired pirate. There are a few bounties on his head. The "tough Chiss woman with the pretty face, is a bounty hunter.

Andronikos almost got killed in an ambush by the Chiss woman and her crew, but he got out of their trap, and she got away from him. He's mad because he's a pirate with a reputation (think Blackbeard the Pirate), and he almost got killed for the bounty on his head. This incident has forced him to recognize that even he is vulnerable and must consider hiring bodyguards.

Your reasoning about Southern culture made me realize how important context is. Without context, one can read anything into a paragrah to fill in the blanks.

So, what about sample one did you not like?
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Posted 4/18/17

DeadlyOats wrote:


sinoakayumi wrote:

I go with sample two of the above post and give it a 7/10 for developing a culture. The paragraph seem to reflect a masculine culture with emphasis on physical toughness and independence. It may reflect the culture of honor seen in the Southern white people of US especially among those families who where historically shepherds.

.


Just for context, in sample two, Andronikos is a semi-retired pirate. There are a few bounties on his head. The "tough Chiss woman with the pretty face, is a bounty hunter.

Andronikos almost got killed in an ambush by the Chiss woman and her crew, but he got out of their trap, and she got away from him. He's mad because he's a pirate with a reputation (think Blackbeard the Pirate), and he almost got killed for the bounty on his head. This incident has forced him to recognize that even he is vulnerable and must consider hiring bodyguards.

Your reasoning about Southern culture made me realize how important context is. Without context, one can read anything into a paragrah to fill in the blanks.

So, what about sample one did you not like?


I do not like plot that focus directly on violence especially when it is bloody. Anyway, if I were to rate sample one then I would give it 5/10 for some originality.
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Posted 4/18/17 , edited 4/18/17

sinoakayumi wrote:

I go with sample two of the above post and give it a 7/10 for developing a culture. The paragraph seem to reflect a masculine culture with emphasis on physical toughness and independence. It may reflect the culture of honor seen in the Southern white people of US especially among those families who where historically shepherds.

I will introduce my draft paragraph from one of my upcoming story:

Humans use a headset to access this VR space with a combination of magic and modern technology. Humans enter this VR space for many reasons; some come as players of MMO game, some come for research or monster breeding, and some come to kill the monsters before they enter the real world. Wars constantly break out in this VR space in response to the mass layoff of human workers by the employment of monsters. The two factions of the wars are the monster right advocate and the nativist who are, respectively, affiliated with liberalism and populism.


I like the concept for your story. I hope you develop it. I hope to see the end results. I can see some similarities in the story with real world events. I want to see how you pull that off.



EDIT:

Where's qualeshia3? It's her thread....
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Posted 4/18/17

Humms wrote:

So I don't know what to rate, So Ill just go with DeadlyOats post. Id give it a 8/10 basically slowly beginning to feel these sensations as you wake up to a cat lying on top of you. It makes for a good transition

As for mine. This is just a small Snippet from my story.

“ Those who have lived will inherit the promises of the ones who send deliverance.” Lord Razza speaks. Sitting Upon his throne he does not look up, but making his presence known.

” You are never one to be late with your findings. However… You have Found them with the one I seek, explain yourself” His tone is deep and dark, His eyes sharper than steel as he finally gazes upon the group, sending a cold chill down everyones spine.

” My lord, they were lost and without direction, I simply took it upon myself to aid them in finding civilization”

” The life of another is not determined by your actions!” Lord Razza ruthlessly exclaims; sending a thunderous tone towards the group. Shtickles recognizing the seriousness of the situation he calmly responds.

“ My lord, they are still offered the same treatment just like anyone I encounter, I am only trying to reason with you“

Lord Razza stands from his throne and begins to walk towards the group slowly as an immense presence is felt throughout the room. Outfitted with a cape and some fine clothing that represents royalty within this world. His sharp purple hair and menacing features take hold.


Since I think no one rated your paragraph yet, I'll jump back to your post. While you cheat a bit on the "paragraph" idea, I'll ignore that xD

With the tenses being a bit off and some of your grammar being bungled, I find it difficult to read. You also seem to almost exclusively tell instead of showing. Overall, I'd give it a 5/10. Mechanically it is weak, but there seems to be some good stuff beneath that.

Here is my paragraph:

Tucked away in the ricketiest corner of a particularly rickety house, underneath the shelf designated specifically for canned beets and other beet related items, an old furnace sighed. The smoke crept up its smoke stack and squeezed its way out of the house, into the morning air, leaving behind only a small ring of soot on the ceiling. Below that ring of soot was another just like it, deposited from a plume of smoke driven by a sigh only moments prior. In case you were wondering, that ring too sat upon another from a previous sigh. The cycle continues.
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Posted 4/18/17 , edited 4/18/17

sundin13 wrote:


Here is my paragraph:

Tucked away in the ricketiest corner of a particularly rickety house, underneath the shelf designated specifically for canned beets and other beet related items, an old furnace sighed. The smoke crept up its smoke stack and squeezed its way out of the house, into the morning air, leaving behind only a small ring of soot on the ceiling. Below that ring of soot was another just like it, deposited from a plume of smoke driven by a sigh only moments prior. In case you were wondering, that ring too sat upon another from a previous sigh. The cycle continues.


I had to read it twice.

In the end, I came away feeling that I was in an old shack with an old, inefficient furnace, that left a ring of soot on the ceiling through which the smoke stack went through.

It sounds like the beginning of a description of a setting. Without further context, I can imagine a snow covered sparsely wooded field, adjacent to the shack. Inside the shack has creaky wood floors, and old wood furniture, losing their varnish. And you still gotta wear your coat inside, because the shack is so creaky.
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Posted 5/1/17
i like it

here is mine, here u go

"SASUKE, AHHHHH, ITS TOO THICK, GET IT OUTTA ME"
Naruto grunted in pain as he moved the GIANT LODGE, the rough surface chafing in the midday sun as they both began to sweat, their NAKED BODIES rubbing on the sand

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, IT HURTS, YAMETE!!!" It was too much for Sasuke to bear, until finally-
"UWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He removed the GIANT LODGE, and with one powerful thrust...

The rock was finally removed!
"Great job, Naruto, that was quite a workout!"
"Yeah! I can't believe that rock was stuck in my side for so long, that fight with Madara really did a number on me especially after that sand burial jutsu! I'm glad you got it out finally!"


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