Check Out My Fanfic!
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Posted 4/14/17 , edited 4/15/17
The story is called "Sith Politics: Fun and Games."

I wrote it back in Feb 2014, but I spent the last six or seven months re-editing the hell out of it. So, it's new and improved!

Comment on it. Tell me what you think?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11065204/1/Sith-Politics-Fun-and-Games
Posted 4/15/17 , edited 4/15/17
Before i read it does it have anything to do with the quaker man cause he turns me on dude
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28 / O / your pantsu
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Posted 4/15/17 , edited 4/15/17
who? me? im DEFINITELY not blushing !!!
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Posted 4/15/17 , edited 4/15/17
It's not about oatmeal. And it's safe for teenagers to read. It's actually a fanfiction based on The Old Republic era of the Star Wars universe.
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Posted 4/15/17 , edited 4/16/17
well i read the first half of the first chapter.

its meh.
your in the funny position between horrible and great, leaning towards great.
the past tense writing gets on my nerves. you tell more than show.
and sometimes you choice of words is....odd.
you need to build the world more.

keep at it, its better than alot of fanfics out there.
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Posted 4/17/17 , edited 4/17/17

nemoskull wrote:

well i read the first half of the first chapter.

its meh.
your in the funny position between horrible and great, leaning towards great.
the past tense writing gets on my nerves. you tell more than show.
and sometimes you choice of words is....odd.
you need to build the world more.

keep at it, its better than alot of fanfics out there.


As a learning writer, I jump at the chance to pick people's brains when they take a moment to critique my work. I'm really thrilled that you offered your views on what I wrote. The following describes my intent, when I wrote the first chapter, and asks questions.

I hope you will take a moment to help me better understand where you're coming from as it pertains to your feelings about what you read.

Thanks.

Chapter one was the hardest to write.... It was intended to be an event driven chapter. Stuff was blowing up, alarms were sounding, people didn't know if they was gonna die or not. Stuff is happening around the characters, there isn't much for them to say to each other. They're too busy trying to stay out of the way, and not get hit with lightning... As a result, there wasn't very much dialogue.

I was very descriptive. Or at least I was trying to describe the scene, so that the reader could see the lightning, and see the smoke and hear the alarms and the air leaving the ship. I described how the ship's systems responded to the fires and the air leaving the ship and all of that. So, what would I need to do more to "build the world?"

I tried to make that an intense "action scene." I see, though that instead I lost your attention during the "action scene," so you never got to meet the other characters. The second half of the chapter, when the fires got put out, the ship was saved, etc, and when Nox comes out of the command bridge, that's when they start to have dialog. Character introductions begin in the second half of the first chapter. So, if you were looking for the dialog, that's where it happened. The point is, though, that you lost interest before you got to that part. That's what I want to fix.

What is this - "you tell more than show" - that you speak of? What does that mean? With understanding, I can address this issue.

What words did you find odd, and why did you find them odd? I'd like to understand how that might be a problem.

I really am grateful that you took a moment to post your thoughts. I hope you won't think me greedy to ask for more details. Thank you in advance.
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