Going to get real sad in here. Stay away if you can't handle it.
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31 / M
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Posted 4/28/17 , edited 4/29/17
Here I am texting the only person I connect with right now. Pushing them away, because I know I am dangerous. I am a wounded animal. I'm going to bite.
There's something I lost this time I can't explain. I only know it is gone. And I want her to understand. I want her to keep her distance. I want to not hurt her
Of course, she hates me for the things I say. She hates that she likes me. She hates that I can't be trusted. She hates that I destroy any hope there was with me.
But hey, she isn't broken by it.
And she doesn't know I am sitting here crying. I'm silent so no one hears. No one knows I get drunk and cry every night now. I wait until everyone is alseep. I stay up until two to mourn the loss of who I used to be, and wake up at six to work a hard job in the sun, with men who talk about fucking women, forcing myself to joke and play along.
No one fucking knows. And I try to tell the only male friend I really have. "It will pass," he says.
But see the problem isn't that I lost that girl. Or the one before who gutted me. Or the others who stung like bee sting after bee sting. No, see, the problem is that part of me died. I can feel its absense... and can't even bring it to life with words. It is gone.
And no one knows I am crying my eyes out or why. People give me a glance and think... "It will pass."
They just don't know that I am mourning the loss of a loved one. Me.
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35 / F / >@[email protected]> Dreamland
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Posted 4/28/17 , edited 4/29/17
Communication is the key to any relationship. If you push you shove. If the love is there why push it away. Try to come to an understanding. Having a big ego or being stubborn will loose your better half... I was told some time you just have to be the one in the wrong even tho you are right to be the bigger person to right a person you love. Unless you did wrong... Best to beg for forgiveness... Some ppl are just better at hiding there feeling even if they are crying inside its best to show a smile.
Posted 4/29/17 , edited 4/29/17
feels bad man.
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π / Train / Railyard
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Posted 4/29/17 , edited 4/29/17
I've never been in your situation so I don't know if my advice makes any sense, but I believe honesty solves a lot of problems, be honest with her and more importantly be honest with yourself.

You shouldn't suffer alone, get some help, there is no shame in seeing a therapist. One will help you move on or fix what you already have, depending on what your subconscious wants. Drinking and crying alone won't do you any good.
Posted 4/29/17 , edited 4/29/17
^^^ wst knows best
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34 / F / Somewhere...
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Posted 4/29/17 , edited 4/29/17
There are some words of wisdom in what wstsreet had to say. Wallowing in your own misery is cruel mistress, and she will drag you down one hell of a road.

Though you might feel like you're saving another by pushing them away, there's no shame in seeking help from others (or seeing a professional). I can surmise from your post that you are a well spoken and intelligent individual, and while the words "it will pass" might seem uncaring and superficial, the likelihood that it will is true, but you have to want it to. Change does not come easy.
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27 / F / hell's grave
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Posted 4/29/17 , edited 4/29/17
Woah your story kinda reminded me of my ex and I. No one should suffer alone. If you guys truly like each other then anything negative should be talked about. And take it from someone who tends too push people away. Why not fight for the girl you love. Isn't life about taking risks?
As for you emotionally. It's always best too talk too someone about those emotions. Crying is the best way too let out all that sadness or hurt you have. But alone isn't always right either. I hope somehow you can try too positively let go of your sadness.
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