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I'm working on a story and I want feedback
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Posted 8/23/17 , edited 8/28/17
So, I'm working on this story that is a ROUGH DRAFT/UNEDITED. The story needs work but I want to know what from you all what work does the story need. What should I improve on with this story? How should I do it? Tell me through good feedback but hard criticism what I should do. I plan on editing this alone but can really use some help far as what to edit out.

There's a chance I might post another story on here. If I do, that story will be a rough draft/unedited too. I will post it here soon enough to let you know what you think.

Help wanted and needed, please.

Here's the story:



https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3311708/1/God-s-Labyrinth-Book-One-Absolute-Mission





What do you think?
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Posted 8/23/17 , edited 8/24/17
I think the idea is interesting and the plot is good, however your grammar could use a little work things like periods and commas make all the difference when reading!
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Posted 8/23/17 , edited 8/24/17
I read a little of it (don't have the time to read the whole thing, sorry) and it just throws you into the middle of the story huh? Is this a ii sekai (sorry about the Romanji, don't have kanji app on phone) type story? You know, where some character is thrown into a fantasy world.
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Posted 8/24/17 , edited 8/24/17
its good. your writing is getting better.
your writing is cluncky. akward. some parts are good, some parts are bad.
think you just need practice.
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Posted 8/24/17 , edited 8/24/17

nemoskull wrote:

its good. your writing is getting better.
your writing is cluncky. akward. some parts are good, some parts are bad.
think you just need practice.


Thank you very much for being honest.
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Posted 8/24/17 , edited 8/24/17

qualeshia3 wrote:


nemoskull wrote:

its good. your writing is getting better.
your writing is cluncky. akward. some parts are good, some parts are bad.
think you just need practice.


Thank you very much for being honest.


its alot better than the last piece a read from you.
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Posted 8/24/17 , edited 8/24/17

nemoskull wrote:


qualeshia3 wrote:


nemoskull wrote:

its good. your writing is getting better.
your writing is cluncky. akward. some parts are good, some parts are bad.
think you just need practice.


Thank you very much for being honest.


its alot better than the last piece a read from you.


And which one was that?
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Posted 8/24/17 , edited 8/24/17

killingstalking wrote:

I think the idea is interesting and the plot is good, however your grammar could use a little work things like periods and commas make all the difference when reading!





tipsypaipai wrote:

I read a little of it (don't have the time to read the whole thing, sorry) and it just throws you into the middle of the story huh? Is this a ii sekai (sorry about the Romanji, don't have kanji app on phone) type story? You know, where some character is thrown into a fantasy world.


Thanks.
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Posted 8/24/17 , edited 8/25/17
Hey! Good to see more stuff from you. I feel like it has been a while. Remember, the most important thing is to keep writing and finish your story.

Anyways, about the writing. A few others have mentioned the grammar already, which is a big deal. The tenses in your second sentence are mixed up:


There were voices surrounding him and these voices seem to be coming from three people.

Should be:

There were voices surrounding him and those voices seemed to be coming from three people.


But yeah, you already know that. As for the actual writing, I'll leave you with one word: Pacing.

Okay, I'll elaborate. Pacing describes the tempo of events in a story. In my opinion, it is one of the most important parts of creating a believable story. There's no "correct" pacing, but you want things to feel natural and driving. You don't want a story to feel like it is sitting back on its hands, faffing about while nothing is happening, but you also don't want events to come and pass without staying long enough to leave a mark.

I think that the pacing is a little rushed here. Let your writing breathe a bit more. You have a character we don't know waking up in an unfamiliar place. Let him notice things and tell us things about the character through what he notices. Give us the time for all of his feeling to sink in. Don't just say "he started to panic", write. Tell us what he is doing. Make sure that you are pacing your writing in a way that allows us to feel his emotions.

As a final note, I have to agree with the other poster who said that it seems like you've gotten better. Your writing seems maybe more natural than I remember, and the dialogue is pretty good.
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Posted 8/25/17 , edited 8/25/17

sundin13 wrote:

Hey! Good to see more stuff from you. I feel like it has been a while. Remember, the most important thing is to keep writing and finish your story.

Anyways, about the writing. A few others have mentioned the grammar already, which is a big deal. The tenses in your second sentence are mixed up:


There were voices surrounding him and these voices seem to be coming from three people.

Should be:

There were voices surrounding him and those voices seemed to be coming from three people.


But yeah, you already know that. As for the actual writing, I'll leave you with one word: Pacing.

Okay, I'll elaborate. Pacing describes the tempo of events in a story. In my opinion, it is one of the most important parts of creating a believable story. There's no "correct" pacing, but you want things to feel natural and driving. You don't want a story to feel like it is sitting back on its hands, faffing about while nothing is happening, but you also don't want events to come and pass without staying long enough to leave a mark.

I think that the pacing is a little rushed here. Let your writing breathe a bit more. You have a character we don't know waking up in an unfamiliar place. Let him notice things and tell us things about the character through what he notices. Give us the time for all of his feeling to sink in. Don't just say "he started to panic", write. Tell us what he is doing. Make sure that you are pacing your writing in a way that allows us to feel his emotions.

As a final note, I have to agree with the other poster who said that it seems like you've gotten better. Your writing seems maybe more natural than I remember, and the dialogue is pretty good.



Thanks so much for the comment.
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Posted 8/25/17 , edited 8/26/17
Thanks for the comments, cool people.
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Posted 8/26/17 , edited 8/26/17
no problem, happy to help
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Posted 8/26/17 , edited 8/27/17

killingstalking wrote:

no problem, happy to help


Posted 8/26/17 , edited 8/27/17
I wanted to give you advice. I always see you posting different threads with writing and story elements in mind. To get better at writing, you have actually write. Write and write. Get feedback and get better. If someone tells you it sucks, let that sink in and motivate you to become better. Good luck
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Posted 8/27/17 , edited 8/27/17

Zenpie wrote:

I wanted to give you advice. I always see you posting different threads with writing and story elements in mind. To get better at writing, you have actually write. Write and write. Get feedback and get better. If someone tells you it sucks, let that sink in and motivate you to become better. Good luck


Thank you very much.
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