A blonde pushes her Mercedes into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it just died! Up and died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What was the problem?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Once, there was a boy who loved to read. He read everything he could get his hands on, and loved going to his favorite book store. One day, the boy realized he had read everything the store had to offer. He confronted the owner, and asked him if he had anything the boy had never checked out. The owner said why, yes, I do, and pulled out a book called “Death”. He gladly sold it to the boy at a discounted price of $50. However, he warned the boy, never to read the front page.
Well, the boy returned to his house and read the book, and he was content. However, he always wondered, what could be on that front page, it was always in the back of his mind. One day, the temptation was too much for the boy, and he flipped to the very front of the book, and dropped the book in HORROR.
There, in bold print, was MSRP $6.99

Hilary Clinton dies and goes to heaven(for some odd reason) and she confronts St. Peter and she asks what the godfathers clocks behind him were, and he says "Those are lie Clocks, the hands move everytime you lie" He points to Mother Teresa's Clock and shows that the hands have never moved, because she never lied, then he points to Abe Lincoln's Clock and shows that it only moved two times, then Hilary asks, "Well wheres Bill's clock?" Then St. Peter says "Oh that's in Jesus' Office, he's using it as a ceiling fan

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "b*tch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does b*tch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Sh*t" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "F*ck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you b*tches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the sh*t off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!