Hello everyone, and welcome to the Juni Taisen... character sorting quiz. Although somewhat less dramatic than the actual Juni Taisen, learning what dark personal secrets are revealed by your choice of favorite character can be pretty shocking in its own way. As we all know, the characters we most relate to in fiction are clearly direct barometers of our own personalities and values, and that truth couldn’t be more stark than in the context of a bloody battle royale. Does picking the wrong favorite mean you’re likely to murder someone? I wouldn’t know – I’m not a person who likes murderers, you murder-liker.
With the stakes of this contest properly established, let’s get right to it. What does your favorite Juni Taisen character say about YOU?!?
Wait. What? Snake dies before the show even begins – he doesn’t even do anything. All we see is him snickering with his brother and updating his lizard blog! You are clearly not taking this survey seriously, and are likely a fundamentally unserious person. Do better, internet stranger. Pick a different favorite.
You are confident and strong-willed, but still respect the importance of family and other social institutions. You firmly believe that might makes right, and that the gifted and deserving will naturally rise to the top of society. You don’t necessarily despise weakness in others, but cannot imagine helping those who do not help themselves. You are very confident you have never lost an argument on the internet.
You understand enjoying life creates its own value: you don’t sweat the consequences, you just go with what feels right. Your confidence comes from a combination of being genuinely clever and also open to experiences – you’ve seen and conquered it all before, so what’s the big deal? Some might call you callous, but hey, however they want to justify having less fun than you is their own deal.
You just came out to have a good time and are feeling so attacked right now. Your convincingly charming facade is built on the conviction that even though you’re playing pretend, everyone else is too. The idea that everyone lies about their intentions doesn’t make you angry; I mean, how else could people actually act? Those last two lines are your most deeply concealed lie of all: you secretly are unhappy knowing all people are liars, and desperately want to be proven wrong.
You are a genuine optimist who believes that we all have the potential to be decent to each other. You’ve seen enough of the world to be aware your perspective will often be discounted as pure naivety, and have accepted that as well. You know personal strength is a difficult thing to acquire, and see your own strength as an obligation to help others lift themselves up. You do not expect to save the world, but don’t think that makes the task any less worth attempting.
You don’t see yourself as anyone truly special, but then again, who is “special?” You’re a pragmatist with enough sense to take your breaks where you can find them and enough romanticism to hope everything turns out okay. You know all people are a mix of good and bad, and feel content to do right by the people who matter most to you. If you can live a moderately successful life and leave your family on reasonably stable footing, you’ll have gotten all you asked for out of life.
After being bullied back in your adolescence, you’ve resolved to never ever let yourself be a victim again. In spite of that, your experiences haven’t really lead you to be bitter or callous – you’ve worked on yourself to the point where you take pride in your strength, but you still ultimately believe in other people. You acknowledge and refuse to be beaten by the darkness of the world, and if anyone wants to get a coffee or something after this, you know a nice place a few blocks from here.
You don’t try to buff up your philosophy with honeyed words about how society works: you’re a selfish little stinker and you don’t care who knows it. Life is a series of games marked by winners and losers, and if you don’t see the truth of that, then it’s clear which side you’re on. That said, you’re no monster and no god: there are people you care about, and you’re well aware your number could be the next one up. But heck if you’re going out without a fight.
Your main complaint with the Roadrunner and Coyote cartoons is that the violence is too abstract – why don’t we get to see the coyote’s guts fly out when he splats on the canyon floor? You are very confident that violence is the solution to basically any problem, even if the problem at hand is also violence. You know this is true because all of your friends agree with you. Right, friends?
You were pretty sure this quiz was going to be a lot more fun when you started taking it, but at this point, you feel almost bitterly determined to get to the end just to spite its writer. You’re sure there’s gotta be some better way to employ your current buzz than browsing articles on the internet, but considering your previous drunk activity was “lie on the carpet and slowly peddle your body around in circles,” you’re not entirely ready to act on that belief. Perhaps another drink will clear things up.
You are driven and studious and polite to a fault. You’re aware your natural talent puts you ahead in life, and work hard not to simply sit on your abilities, pushing yourself to truly seize your potential. You see little value in false pride and less in demeaning others, and so you do not partake in either activity, though you also do not go out of your way to assist the less fortunate. What you personally find to be improper or unsavory is largely irrelevant; in the end, all we have are results.
You’re pretty confident you’re smarter than most other people, but actually going ahead and demonstrating that feels like a lot of work, and besides, what’s the upside? The natural ugliness of other people makes you feel very confident in your own apathetic approach to life, something you’re always happy to promote to others. Other people working hard doesn’t really make sense to you, but you’re pretty sure they’re the ones who don’t actually Get It. You’re done justifying yourself, it’s time for a nap.
AND THAT’S ALL OF THEM! Which substrata of heinous villain do you happen to embody? Are you sure? That one? And you’re actually willing to admit it? Scandalous.