Hello and welcome to Why It Works, where today I’m coming to you live from the floor of the One Piece: Film Red fashion show. While there are rumors aplenty about what events will transpire in the upcoming feature film, the stars are already out in full force representing Film Red’s singular ensembles. It’s always a wild time here on the red carpet, with even the press section boasting some familiar faces — I believe I can see Big News Morgans right over there, conferring with the event coordinator. But you’re not here for that sort of inside baseball — you’re here for the stars and the remarkable new outfits they’re decked in. And wait a moment, there seems to be a commotion... it’s the Straw Hats themselves, boasting what appear to be heavy metal-themed costumes! Let’s take a look.

I’m sensing some clear aesthetic parallels across these fresh ensembles, along with that sense of playfulness you’d expect from master seamster Oda himself. Just look at Usopp’s delightful new hat! Practical and stylish, ornamented in such a way that its diagonal zipper serves as a frog’s mouth. And look at the ‘dos on Franky and Brook! We’ve come to expect follicular transformations from Franky, but it’s wonderful to see Brook experimenting with his beloved afro and really leaning into that rockstar vibe. After all, who better than the Soul King to steer the Straw Hats into rock fashion nirvana!

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Truly though, it is those matching suits that most set my heart aflutter. Note the stylish waistcoats of Zoro, Sanji, and Robin, each embellished with a signature crest. It appears that Zoro’s is a tribute to his mentor Mihawk, while Sanji prefers a Roman three, echoing both his birth family and rank in the Straw Hats. Meanwhile, Robin’s feathered greaves add just the right touch of elegance to her ensemble, evoking the steelwork of Dressrosa’s most talented blacksmiths. Truly an outfit that declares her status as one of Luffy’s loyal knights, an ally who can stand proudly beside his strongest warriors. Those Straw Hats always make an impression!

Alright, another vehicle seems to be stopping, and it’s… yes, it appears the Navy Admirals have arrived, not to be outdone by those Straw Hat rapscallions! I imagine there was much pressure for Issho to actually wear a suit for once, but he simply wouldn’t evoke that signature Zatoichi energy without his kimono, and I for one say we’re richer for it. And can you guess Borsalino’s favorite color? He, at least, seems to have ceded his usual yellow-on-yellow pinstripe, complicating his look with the introduction of counterbalancing black stripes. It appears black is the order of the day for the Admirals, and why not? It simply goes with everything, allowing Sakazuki’s charcoal suit to gracefully sum up their entourage.

Behind the admirals, I’m spying some key figures of the World Government’s legendary Cipher Pol! Yes, they’re passing by now, and… dear lord, what are they wearing? Kalifa appears to be attempting something resembling fashion, though her shoulderless dress and purple tie ensemble seems less “Avril Lavigne” and more “Vaguely Obscene.” But Blueno, Blueno my friend, you are wearing a tracksuit. I appreciate all your Uta-themed accessories, but you seem more prepared to go for a light jog or perhaps kill a man in a sauna than to walk the runway. We must talk about this, Blueno.

But never mind that, more stars are arriving! It appears we have a grab bag of fan favorites from across the seas, both pirate and navy alike. I generally don’t expect much ornamentation from our friend Bepo, but it appears the promise of beloved idol Uta has him dressed for success, with a massive trio of Uta-themed fans at his back. Not to be outdone, professional fanboy Bartalomeo is also bedecked in full Uta style, proving his love for the stars extends to idols and pirates alike. And just look at Koby! I admire the simplicity of the boy’s style; a tastefully matched dress shirt and slacks, speaking to an intrinsic confidence of aesthetic. And who’s that hiding behind Bepo? Could it be…

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Law, what are you doing. That is a pair of white swim trunks and a Tommy Bahama shirt. Did you forget this event was today? Did Bepo have to pick you up from a beach date, a date you were also underdressed for? No, don’t scowl at me, it’s perfectly clear through your outfit just how much you want to be here. Please, I beg you, announce a city-scale Room and Shambles yourself into something less embarrassing. This is a professional event Law, I am begging you to take it seriously.

Well, as always, it’s just one surprise after another at the One Piece fashion gala. Kudos to the Straw Hats for bringing their A-game, offering intriguing and complementary ensembles from all parties. My compliments to the ever-reliable admirals, who truly understand how to make the humble suit a statement of purpose. As for the rest, it’s always a pleasure to see you all, and I only hope Law’s mother remembers to pack more than swim trunks for him next time. So long and see you next time on One Piece’s premiere fashion network!

Nick Creamer has been writing about cartoons for too many years now and is always ready to cry about Madoka. You can find more of his work at his blog Wrong Every Time, or follow him on Twitter.