Post Reply Overpowered: A Science Fiction Story I've Spent Years On
22253 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
19 / M
Posted 11/12/17 , edited 11/13/17
Okay, so, I have recently uploaded the first chapter of a series I've been working on since eighth grade to my DeviantART account. I'm now a freshmen in college so this is a long time coming. The series went through a genre change and a lot of rewrites as I struggled to find the right way to begin the series. But I've finally managed to create one.

Overpowered takes heavily from anime such as A Certain Magical Index and RWBY and I've been wanting to get this first chapter out for awhile. It's a little on the shorter side, I'm still working on improving my writing, but I'm just happy to see it released finally.

The synopsis of Overpowered is as follows:

"Miranda Reinhart is special, even for the world she inhabits! A world torn apart by war, where the United States is nothing more than thirteen cities guarded by massive walls, and supernatural abilities are commonplace. Miranda is just one of millions of espers living in the joint San Diego-Los Angeles city, a powerful electrokinesis, she can control and manipulate electricity. But her esper abilities are not what they seem. There’s something special about them and the scientists of San Diego-Los Angeles, both the light and dark side, want to know what it is.

But thwarting attempts to turn her into some lab rat is now the least of her worries. As the civil war between the twelve cities and Denver begins to escalate and inch ever closer to home, an old friend turned enemy returns to town, and a telekinetic boy appears and claims to be from San Francisco, an area in ruins and sinking into the California Strait after the apocalyptic Second Korean War. And, the place where Miranda’s parents vanished after an expedition gone wrong six years ago."

I've shared the series a handful of times here and I know that by sharing it here, I'll get some real feedback for the first chapter. Please read and I hope you enjoy the first chapter! And if you didn't please provide feedback as to why!
16524 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
26 / M
Posted 11/21/17 , edited 11/21/17
First of all, you are really good at writing synopsizes xD I've always sucked at that part of writing.

Anyways, I think the main thing that I have to say would be "Show, don't tell". It's a bit cliche, but it is extremely important if you want the readers to feel your story. How do you do this? Well, first of all, watch out for exposition dumps. More often than not they will go in one ear and out the other or leave your readers snoring. That means don't just tell me the backstory of your world (or your characters), work it in organically (and if you can't, delete it). While some might disagree, I feel like that also means don't introduce your character by telling me what they look like, or rather, pick one feature and describe that. It doesn't have to be a physical feature, it could be a tick or a way they speak. To introduce a character, give one good defining characteristic. Sprinkle in the rest as you go (instead of saying "she was wearing a sweater", say "she hid her hands from the cold in her sweater pockets". You get the same info across but it feels more organic.)

That also means don't simply describe sensations. I personally try to avoid words like "heard" and "felt" in my stories. I don't want you to tell me what someone is feeling, I want you to show me. Like, if you walk up to a kid having a fit in the mall, you don't need them to tell you that they are upset, you can clearly see it. Same goes for other sensations. Don't tell me that someone saw something, make me see it. Describe the sound of a scream, don't just tell me "they heard a scream".
You must be logged in to post.