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The Magic of the Ruby
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22 / F / SDF-1
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Posted 4/22/07 , edited 4/22/07
I'll tell you the truth, I didn't like the story. Too much dialogue. Its more like a script for a play or something. Work on it and improve. Don't end up like that Pil...Palino..Pi-something kid, that retard that wrote Eragon. That book was BAADD. I am amazed he got that piece of shit Star Wars + LoTR published. The movie was BAADD x1000.
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23 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07

06aquamarine09 wrote:

i just finish reading it....and i like it a lot...full of magic...

its good that Rose is a vocal type magician...it'll be really cool if she can sing her spells....

and i'm looking forward to what will happen next....good work!but you can improve it!!


Of course! You can always improve!
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28 / F / Mexico
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07
i dont want to be mean x_x but i dont think im gonna read that right now... its a bit too long... but :3 if you want people to read it you should probably just upload the novel in DeviantART or on Fanfiction ^_^ keep it up, i knowi would not have the patience to write all that hahaha
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22 / M / Boston
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07
This again brings up a submitted stories section to the forums.

Beyond that it appears that a lot of you don't have much experience with amateur writing. For her age the vocabulary is good and even more important there isn't an obvious stretch to fit in big words, that simply becomes cumbersome to read. Jay while you are fairly on target about the quality of her characters it's actually something that's relatively easy to work on during this stage of the writing process. She's got a lot of work to do in order to add depth and color to the story but I don't think it's impossible for her to write a good story with decently developed characters that could capture some of our attention.

Mewmew I've read it but I've got a lot of comments and most people aren't interested in reading them. If you want to hear them send me a message and I'd be happy to give you my opinions.
Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07
Hey I just read the first couple of sentences because they're the ones that matter most. I think you're placing too much emphasis on the cave. I can see that you're trying to attract the reader's attention to the cave but by explaining it, even if it is a short explanation, you are distracting the reader from the actual "pull" factor that encourages the audience to read on. There's plenty of time for explaination later on.

Also I don't think your dialogue and description conveys the gems very appropriately. You want to show that these gems are magical, absolutely amazing and you want the reader to picture it but I'm not seeing what you are trying to describe except that there are some gems. Not much excitement there.

As well as that you shouldn't so excessively use "?!" in your dialogue. I'm not sure if you know but in creative writing that's a big no-no. Try not to use too much exclamation marks as well.
You are also using quite boring words to replace the word "said" i.e. asked. Try to use more imaginitive, more constructive words in its place as it will better describe the emotions that the speaker has and how the words were said. Also I don't think the words "heh, heh" would be used even if it is in dialogue form. Use something like "he laughed awkwardly, shoving his hands into his pockets."


Anyway just some thoughts there. Feel free to ignore them. I do tend to criticise a lot when it comes to creative writing.
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29 / F / UK
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07
Sent you a pm with my thoughts.
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30 / M / ninja mode
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07
Jay,where do you get your statistics?
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29 / M / Toronto
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07
Haha it's ok to make mistakes on your first drafts....i think everyone starts out with a crappy one...lol lookin back at the old days...*shudders*
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07
Oh, people, shut up. She can post whatever she wants here. If the mods have a problem with it they will take care of it. Other than that it’s none of our concern.

Anyway, the story is alright. It’s not a friking work of literary mastery, but you’re confidence is not 100% fabricated. (I say confidence because I doubt you would’ve posted it if you didn’t think you had talent.) Considering your age you have great potential. Still, this story isn’t that great. You need years of practice. I can sympathize with you because I’ve aspired to be a writer since I was 5 years old. I’ve practiced most of my life and still have yet to write anything memorable. Now, I don’t mean to discourage you. Keep at it. Take a creative writing class, and don’t post your stories on the internet cuz their likely to get plagiarized.


This is my advice. Ultimately you’re good for you age but need more time to develop your own voice and to bond with more complex characters. The only way to write a great book is to fall in love with all your characters. Even the antagonist.
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31 / M / Japan
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07

mushroomjay wrote:


MewMewcherry01 wrote:

IT IS A FIRST DRAFT . I know it's crappy! It's supposed to be long It's gonna be a novel...

In any case ty for at least commenting. Now I know what to work on.

Um....what's deviantART? Sounds neat.


Devian Tart is where retards share their shitty ass drawings, don't take advice, and continue to suck at everything they do.

Also you can do gay poetry about cutting a crying, and shitty stories.

As well, if you "know" it's crappy, why post it? IF YOU DON'T WANT HELPFUL CRITICISM: GTFO.

As well, I love long stories. I just don't like boring generic stories.


Jozephz wrote:

uhhh...she is 13 you know. What were you guys expecting? Catch-22? Man, I looked back on some of the stuff I wrote when I was 13 and some of it just makes me cringe >.< So don't worry if your first attempt isn't War and Peace. Hell, I'm only 15 now, just a 2 year difference, but it really *is* a difference. So keep writing. It'll come along.


Age is NO excuse. In fact you have a larger ability for creativity as a younger person.



Well, deviantART does have its share of crappy artists, but not all of them are like that. It's a bit harsh to generalize them right off the bat.

Plus, with what you're saying about age, it's as if you're saying a 6 year old kid should be expected to write a friggin LOTR...

Now I haven't read the ^ story because, frankly, the title isn't so appealing. I'll probably browse it in the future, but Snap is right, you should put this in a site where people may be more appreciative of your work and really give you helpful advice, at least not to discourage you, but encourage you to make your work even better.
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31 / M / Japan
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Posted 4/23/07 , edited 4/23/07

edsamac wrote:


mushroomjay wrote:


MewMewcherry01 wrote:

IT IS A FIRST DRAFT . I know it's crappy! It's supposed to be long It's gonna be a novel...

In any case ty for at least commenting. Now I know what to work on.

Um....what's deviantART? Sounds neat.


Devian Tart is where retards share their shitty ass drawings, don't take advice, and continue to suck at everything they do.

Also you can do gay poetry about cutting a crying, and shitty stories.

As well, if you "know" it's crappy, why post it? IF YOU DON'T WANT HELPFUL CRITICISM: GTFO.

As well, I love long stories. I just don't like boring generic stories.


Jozephz wrote:

uhhh...she is 13 you know. What were you guys expecting? Catch-22? Man, I looked back on some of the stuff I wrote when I was 13 and some of it just makes me cringe >.< So don't worry if your first attempt isn't War and Peace. Hell, I'm only 15 now, just a 2 year difference, but it really *is* a difference. So keep writing. It'll come along.


Age is NO excuse. In fact you have a larger ability for creativity as a younger person.



Well, deviantART does have its share of crappy artists, but not all of them are like that. It's a bit harsh to generalize them right off the bat.

Plus, with what you're saying about age, it's as if you're saying a 6 year old kid should be expected to write a friggin LOTR...

Now I haven't read the ^ story because, frankly, the title isn't so appealing. I'll probably browse it in the future, but Snap is right, you should put this in a site where people may be more appreciative of your work and really give you helpful advice, at least not to discourage you, but encourage you to make your work even better.


EDIT: just browsed... your first sentences are a bit choppy and lack fluidity. Try to make the words flow instead of throwing out phrases to put the scenery together. I'll read up on in when I have the time, but right now, I'm getting ready to leave the house.


EDIT again: Aw dang... I hit the quote button instead of the edit button... sorry...

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23 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 4/24/07 , edited 4/24/07

SeraphAlford wrote:

Oh, people, shut up. She can post whatever she wants here. If the mods have a problem with it they will take care of it. Other than that it’s none of our concern.

Anyway, the story is alright. It’s not a friking work of literary mastery, but you’re confidence is not 100% fabricated. (I say confidence because I doubt you would’ve posted it if you didn’t think you had talent.) Considering your age you have great potential. Still, this story isn’t that great. You need years of practice. I can sympathize with you because I’ve aspired to be a writer since I was 5 years old. I’ve practiced most of my life and still have yet to write anything memorable. Now, I don’t mean to discourage you. Keep at it. Take a creative writing class, and don’t post your stories on the internet cuz their likely to get plagiarized.


This is my advice. Ultimately you’re good for you age but need more time to develop your own voice and to bond with more complex characters. The only way to write a great book is to fall in love with all your characters. Even the antagonist.


well, i only posted for kicks and to get some opinions...lol
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23 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 4/24/07 , edited 4/24/07

mushroomjay wrote:


MewMewcherry01 wrote:


mushroomjay wrote:


MewMewcherry01 wrote:

IT IS A FIRST DRAFT . I know it's crappy! It's supposed to be long It's gonna be a novel...

In any case ty for at least commenting. Now I know what to work on.

Um....what's deviantART? Sounds neat.


Devian Tart is where retards share their shitty ass drawings, don't take advice, and continue to suck at everything they do.

Also you can do gay poetry about cutting a crying, and shitty stories.

As well, if you "know" it's crappy, why post it? IF YOU DON'T WANT HELPFUL CRITICISM: GTFO.

As well, I love long stories. I just don't like boring generic stories.


Jozephz wrote:

uhhh...she is 13 you know. What were you guys expecting? Catch-22? Man, I looked back on some of the stuff I wrote when I was 13 and some of it just makes me cringe >.< So don't worry if your first attempt isn't War and Peace. Hell, I'm only 15 now, just a 2 year difference, but it really *is* a difference. So keep writing. It'll come along.


Age is NO excuse. In fact you have a larger ability for creativity as a younger person.


Ummmm....mushroomjay? i DO like criticium, its just......i no matter what i say, it still bugs me for some reason

and.... i WOULD have posted some where else, had i known such a place existed

that being said, im still not sure about deviantART but...... I do NOT think that you should go telling people that their drawings are 'shity assed'! It takes a lot to post your works in a place where millions of people will see them(NOT refuring to me, i don't really care)! I don't mean to be rude but, can YOU do better? Also, drawing, writing, ect. ect. is a TALENT. It has NOTHING to do with age.


I never said age affected talent. I do think I should go around telling people they suck at things so they get better, also I like to "stir up the hive." To share your "works" anywhere takes the slightest bit of balls, just look at all the retards at Devian Tart.

As well, I'd be happy to read your story. If it sparked the bit of interest in me anyway. Perhaps I'll read more of it sometime, just so I can give you a full analysis on what to improve on.

By the way: Don't join Devian Tart if you:
Want to become more skilled in writing/drawing.
Want to receive good criticism and improve based on that.

However, if you want:
Your ass to be kissed.
People to spam some faggot smilies at you.

DO join Devian Tart.

(By the way, around 67% of their members have some form of mental deficiency.)



Like I said, I don't no much about devianART(Devian Tart whatever it called) so for all i no, you could be right. but im not up for debates so i'll just asume ur right(u no more than me...maybe...hopefully)...lol
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Posted 4/24/07 , edited 4/24/07
Honestly speaking, the story is good for what it is. And as SeraphAlford stated, you are very talented and extremely confident (and that is one of the more important things for a writer I think) for someone your age. Of course your gonna have Quirks here and there, but I assume this is your first or second story that you wrote.

My advice as a writer, use something of you in both the protagonist and the antagonist. That way you can put a little bit more complexity into both, or less wichever you see fit, and you won't get that "I wonder what he/she would say/do if this/that happens" (the common writer's block )
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23 / F / My happy place -...
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Posted 4/25/07 , edited 4/25/07
k I fixed some things the fixed things will always be bolded! so CHECK if you had/have a complaint

And yes this was my 1st story

EDIT: NVM ABOUT BOLDING!!!
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