Post Reply Gackt - Jihaku
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35 / F / Malaysia
Posted 1/6/08 , edited 1/6/08
I think.... i will load it....per chapter!!!!


1. Youshouki no Rinshi Taiken to Kakuri Byoutou Seikatsu
~ My Near-Death Experiences as a Child and Life in the Hospital Isolation Ward ~
I am in a cradle. It sways gently back and forth. My field of vision, dim. Peeping out at my mother's face. Above her head, a mobile spins fitfully, playing a music box tune.
In the next instant, one year old, two years old, three years old…the memories of those times reappear before me very vividly. Me crawling. Walking on unsteady legs. Trying so hard to say words that I remembered. I couldn't talk very well.
Her words to me also come back to me like this.
"Tomorrow you have a piano lesson."
Bright, sunny days. Sweat sliding along the piano keyboard…
Along the axis of time, these events are truly just several seconds long. Between them, a few very long [lit: enormous] memories run around my head with ferocious speed. Every moment of these memories that I lived till then become vivid images and begin to spin like a revolving lantern.
Am I going to die….?
Up until now, I have thought this 15 times.

The first time this revolving lantern happened was when I was seven years old.
Drowning in the Okinawa sea, being swallowed by the waves, painfully, struggling and struggling, my feet unable to touch the bottom, seeing things above my head being pulled along forcefully by the waves. Pulled along by the water. Though I tried to breathe, all that entered my mouth was saltwater.
As I could do nothing but drink the saltwater, all sound suddenly disappeared. A gentle sensation, a warm sensation, and there was a feeling as if I was being completely embraced by something. It doesn't matter what you call it. I was enveloped in a relief that I had not felt until that moment.
It was just after that moment. The revolving lantern began to move. All the memories I had since my birth till then began to one by one flash through my mind.
It was the first time this happened. I felt no fear. I thought that surely I was going to die.
But I didn't die.
Thereafter, whenever I come close to death, the revolving lantern spins. In situations where I may die, such as traffic accident, a fight, it appears suddenly.
It has happened 15 times. That's a little much, perhaps.
I was a mischievous child. I had a tendency to face death.

When I drowned, I was terribly afraid. A part of the reason was, I think, that I was violently afraid of death. But at the same time, I was fascinated by death. I was caught by it. If I didn't try to go close to it, then I wouldn't see it. I wanted to go as close as I could to it because I wanted to examine it. That was the kind of boy that I was.
Because of this, I would intentionally do things that were dangerous. I did things many times that made me wonder if I would die. Of course, I was always scared, but when that moment drew near, I was always calm.
Just a little more. Just a little more and I can maybe see the answer. That was the feeling. At that level, I couldn't die. If I was at that level, I could do it. I wanted to see more and more into the next world. There were times I'd cheer myself up by telling myself that.
For example, I loved bikes and when I was a teenager I would ride often. The city had a lot of curbs, and I think that at that time, I had a strange way of getting up on the curb [lit: attack]. I didn't have any skill, but I felt I could get up to that level. I really loved that feeling.
I was going faster and faster, and when I crossed over one area, there was a second when I saw everything in slow motion. That feeling lasted for a long time and it was as if I saw everything clearly. In that place that I crossed, surely something was there, and I wanted to see it. Because I wanted to savor that, I was reckless.
Until I saw the revolving lantern, I would continue to drive at things with all my might. When I can see the revolving lantern, it is the first time I have a consciousness of death. Then, I am in the place between life and death. Until I felt that, I could not do things to the fullest.
Now, I think, "That was strange." I was a dangerous child.
I sought death and I didn't know the meaning of life. What does it mean to live? Where can I find the value of my life and existence?
Truthfully, questions like that also had the opportunity to be born from my personal experiences when I was seven years old.

After I drowned, I became able to see many things. That day, all boundaries were broken. After my eyes were opened, until now, I became able to see completely things that before I could not see. I couldn't distinguish between people who were living and people who were not.
When I talked to the people who were not living, it must have been bizarre watching me from the outside. My parents were of course surprised.
"Who are you talking to?"
"Where is Uncle?"
As they said that, they would laugh.
Perhaps they laughed and ignored it. But didn't they ignore it because their hearts were afraid to face me?
This began happening with more and more frequency, and I became thought of as very mentally strange. People talked about me, and I became uncertain of the meaning of my existence. Because I could see both live people and dead people, I didn't understand what life itself meant.
This continued, and when I was ten years old, I suddenly collapsed. I had a violent pain in my stomach and intestines, and I couldn't move.
After I was taken to the hospital, I was told that the cause was unknown. They told me that while that was the case, I probably had some sort of infectious disease.
So I was suddenly isolated. Isolated, in confinement, thrown into a hospital ward that was more a prison. I think that they put me in the pediatric ward because I was so young. Children who were heavily ill, had infectious diseases, or had terminal illnesses were in that ward. Being ten years old, that's what I thought. All of them were in a cage, and were likely to go down the corridor at any time.
Down the corridor, in another sick ward, were children who were probably going to die. I often knew when that would happen.
Talking with those children, I would then feel, "That child is going to die tomorrow."
The next morning, I would hear the nurses' feet go pattering down the hallway. Then I knew that one of my friends had died.
Those were hard days. I couldn't stand it. Just when I made a friend, they would be dead the next day. And that was something only I knew. It was hell.
Being in a place like that, I grew very strange. But because I was not mentally strong, I did not receive a quick release.
Why didn't they release me? Because I wasn't normal? What is the difference between being normal and not normal?
I thought incredibly hard about that. I couldn't escape. I had to do something to get out of there. So I continued to think.
I began to watch my senior doctor. When I imitated him exactly, I was observed to be "normal." This went on for about ten days or so. Suddenly, they told me, "You can go home."
I didn't change at all. But though nothing inside of me changed…
To the adults who said "I told you so," I had only a feeling of deep distrust.
But I didn't want to ever go back to that hospital.
So, from then on, I continued to copy the people who my parents and other adults of that generation said were correct.
All the while, I held on to the thought of "What on earth am I?"
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35 / F / Malaysia
Posted 1/8/08 , edited 1/9/08
2. Shiya no Doraibu de Kyoku wa Umareru
~ On Late-night Drives, Melodies are Born ~

In the middle of the night, when I feel really dull, I get in my car and go driving by myself. Driving on the Tokyo-Nagoya Expressway, not thinking about anything, doing nothing but stepping on the accelerator, I watch the landscape flash by.
Then suddenly from behind, I get a shock as if hit with a baseball bat. Bam! It feels like I'm hit in the back of the head, and it practically hurts.
When I am in control of myself again, I can place a transparent screen in front of me. On this screen, still images are reflected. These images are converted to moving images and a story is projected. A thin filter appears between my eyes and the real world outside, and on there, I feel like images suddenly appear and come to life.
In those images, since the beginning, there have been times when the images are accompanied by sound, and also times when it's just the images. There have also been cases where it's just the melody and other times just the rhythm. Sometimes I have no idea what the images mean. But something that doesn't change is that there is always a story inside of me. These then become certain themes that rise to the surface. I get inspiration from these images, and melodies come out of them.
If the story is put down in individual characters, it becomes a short story, and if it's extremely short, it becomes song lyrics.
I usually realize these images when they hit me hard. This might occur frequently, and then there are times when it's far in between. When it doesn't happen, though people say to me "Please write more songs!" I can only say "I'm trying, but it's not working." At those times, I can do nothing but wait.
I always feel like that about my songwriting. It's the foundation of songwriting and I can't change it. Previously, I had a studio at home. I thought that if I had a studio at home, wouldn't it make it easy for everyone to gather there and to write songs? I thought I could also write songs that way.
But that didn't work, and when I thought about it some more, whenever I'm able to compose something, it's always an unexpected occurrence. It's when I'm looking at the landscape or when I'm driving. When I think "I need to write a song!" I can never do it. In the end, the studio doesn't matter. I hate shutting myself in to write songs.
A story always begins with the idea coming in from afar and hitting me with a bang.
So, even though the record company says "We need a new song by this date," it's not that easy. Generally, I have to push back the release date.
For Moon, I pushed back the release date a whole four months. Though I did that, in actuality, it took eleven months. From now on, things will probably take even more time.
Though this is not an apology to the fans who have been waiting, I'm a different kind of personality and not a "commercial author." I'll put out what I want to put out. I'm not going to compromise or make excuses. No matter how many months it takes, until I turn out something that's good enough, I won't make compromises. That is my duty. Furthermore, I believe that that is the final product that the fans wait for.
When writing lyrics, I want to use Japanese to its utmost. I love the beauty of the Japanese language. So I don't use English if I can help it. Compared to other artists, my ratio of English usage is extremely small.
It's very hard to match up Japanese words with music.
There are a great many ways to match up English words with each musical note. However, basically in Japanese, one word does not match up with one note.
For example, let's say there are these lyrics: "ano toki, paatii de kimi o mite." In English, it would be "When I/saw you/at the/party." You're able to push the whole line of "ano toki, paatii de kimi o mite" into four notes.
However, in Japanese, four notes are just four notes. You can only put in "ano toki." The main difference between Japanese and English is the percentage of words you can put into one note. So everyone is using English and becoming good at writing lyrics.
I feel sometimes like I need to get away from that.
However, when I first heard the theme song to "Fist of the North Star," it left me with a deep impression. I thought that part of the song was saying "You are shock." But then when I looked at the lyrics, it turned out that the lyrics are actually "You wa shokku." [note: "You wa shokku" is "You are shock" in Japanese >.> It's also the theme song to Hokuto no Ken, apparently]
I was shocked. Not because of anything to do with the meaninglessness of the phrase, but because my ears couldn't tell the difference.
That's not to say that I'm denying the use of English. Using English is also an interesting way of doing things. Of course, you're free to use it. However, because I'm Japanese, I want to put the beauty of Japanese into every note of music. I don't want to run away from that.
When I heard B'z's "Itsuka no Merry Christmas", I cried. I thought, why does this song bring to mind such a lonely scene? [lit: why does a lonely scene appear]. "Mou Ichido Kiss Shitakatta" was great too.
Though the one who writes the lyrics is Inaba-kun [note: Inaba Koshi, B'z's vocalist], he does it with a lot of passion.
Also while listening to Mr. Children's Sakura-kun's [note: Sakurai Kazutoshi, Mr. Children's vocalist] "Dakishimetai", I started clapping without thinking about it.
When I listen to a wonderful melody, I'm always moved. However, I'm not just moved. I'm also proud to be Japanese just like them. I'm proud of the fact that, in the Japanese music scene, there are people here who can write such marvelous music like this. When I was touched by the troubles in their lives [lit: felt their trouble-filled lives], I think that's probably the musician's way of life.
An artist's music and lyrics are like pieces of his or her life. They quickly cut away at the body, and are works that consist of a repetition of the artist's own experiences.
It's great that things like this can move people in such a way.
At times, the important thing for me is what I'm trying to convey to the listener, and sometimes I feel like it's like a letter. It's about making things importantly and consistently and searching for my roots. What I always think about is that music should never pressure people to fit a mold. I want to be flexible concerning music.
My music is a page of a book of notes about the lives of the people who have listened to it. I don't care if it's like a little written memo tucked away into a corner. I am glad if that little written memo is a motive for something and becomes a force pushing at people's backs.
No, in a corner of someone's life, my music is only something that was written down. The meaning of our existence is in that place, don't you think?
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35 / F / Malaysia
Posted 1/8/08 , edited 1/9/08
3. Mai Ruum wa Shiro no Chikarou
~ My Room is a Castle Underground Dungeon ~

My house is pretty unusual. Everyone who goes to it for the first time gets really impatient.
Because there are no windows, it is fairly dark. From the ceiling, there isn't even a single fluorescent lamp. There is only indirect lighting set into the floor. It really is quite dark. It feels even darker than it does inside a club.
Also, the partitions from room to room are all glass. I can see pretty well in the dark, but my friends would frequently bump against the walls. So I have placed small flashlights for their use in the front foyer.
But not many people come over. When they do visit, there are always people who say "Gacchan, I'm a little worried for you."
I like dark rooms. When I was renting a house, I would remodel it. I would cover all the windows, and I would change all the fluorescent lights to black lights.
Time stops in my house. Because the outside light doesn't shine in, I never know what time it is. There are no clocks, either. And there are no televisions.
Because I never watched television when I was a child, now I don't watch it either. To me, a television is just a monitor on which you watch videos or DVDs.
In order to maintain such a lifestyle, I can't be bothered with other things. My biological clock always knows what time it is. My activities are irregular, but the moment I wake up, I know what time it is. And usually I go to bed for around two hours.
The thing that concerns me the most is not wanting to make my home comfortable. I want my house to be a place that makes me want to go outside.
My house is a place where people can gather. It is a place where your spirit can gather. I want it to be a place that gathers energy together.
If the inside of a house is always like that, energy accumulates. If that happens, you feel like going outside. If you always stay in a dark room, your spirit becomes heavy. If that happens, I think that you would want to get out.
To rest your soul, you could go to a place like the park. If you are looking for something bright and cheerful, it's all right to go outside, because the sun is out there.
Outside, many ideas and opportunities can come to life. However, if you become comfortable at home, you never go outside and that never happens. That's nonsense.
If you live in a house that makes you want to go outside, you will keep doing it your whole life. Since my house is dark, it builds up an uncomfortable feeling.
Now, if I have to sum up my new concept of a house in a single word, it is "dungeon." I have an image of a castle dungeon. It's not a house. I and the designer made it of stone with a gloomy image, collaborating with each other on it right down to the last minute detail.
I built it even though the designer believed in feng shui, and he would tell me that designing things like this was no good.
My present house has an archive.
There are a lot of things that you haven't seen on TV, like the fact that I have a huge number of books. I don't keep journals. I don't have any handwritten books.
Most of the books that I bought and like are instructional books on languages. They are books like "Learn Spoken Chinese in 3 Seconds" and "Your English is Counterfeit."
3 seconds? No way! But if you think your English is pretty bad, or something like that, you will have fun reading them.
As I read dictionaries and language instruction books on my own, I laugh a lot. They are very funny. But I really like books like that.
About ten years ago, I found a book that even up till now has made me feel emotions very deeply. The name of it is "Smell Otoko."
It's an old story, the contents of which came to me completely one day, a story that I realized very quickly. The plot development was really interesting, and even now, I can read it over and over. But I think that it's already difficult to find this book.
I also built a wine cellar in my house. It houses up to 100 bottles.
I like wine. When I say that, everyone then gives me wine for presents, and then I start noticing that I've accumulated quite a few bottles.
While I say that I like it, if I go by myself to buy wine, I have no idea which kinds of wine are good wine and which kinds are bad. If I don't drink it, I won't know. So I like to taste wine.
So I just started tasting a lot of wine, and because of that, I now know which kinds of wine from different places and which kinds of wine from different time periods are good.
Right now, a kind of wine that I think is very good is "gold." Not white or red, but "gold." It means that the color of the wine is golden.
For the most part, the grapes from one vine can make about one barrel of wine. However, the grapevines that make this "gold" kind of wine can't even make one glass of it. It tastes wonderful, but it's very expensive. It's to the point where I feel bad about buying this wine for myself.
Though I say I like wine, I don't drink when I'm at home by myself. When my friends come over, if they say to me, "let's open a bottle of wine," then I will open it for them and we will drink together. I'll just look at the wine that my friends choose, and then afterwards I'll say "That was great, don't you think?" and "How about drinking this?"
The wine that I have at home is the most expensive wine, about 400,000-500,000 yen a bottle. That doesn't mean that it is also absurdly delicious wine, though. It just means that when I have a party, my friends who also like wine can enjoy good wine.
I can finish about 20 bottles by myself. When I drink with friends, they will drink about 10 bottles. In all, if there are 10 of us, that's all the 100 bottles! It's rather distressing.
Though gathering 10 people together isn't something too out of the ordinary, it somehow happened that I was able to build a wine cellar.
Besides wine, I also have kuusuu (Okinawan wine). It's Awamori (Okinawan liquor). I collect as much of it as I can. I don't like to drink it, but my friends like it, so I feel that I have to have it for them. I like to present it to my friends and say "Here, I got this for you."
"Bar Gackt" – moreover, there is something like that. I say, "Do you want to try this?", and when they say back to me "that's good!" it makes me really happy.
The time when I last got drunk was probably at the time of my birthday party.
I felt really bad about it to everyone, but I got so drunk because I just couldn't handle the tension I'd built up anymore. Of course, I remember everyone that I met that night, and everyone I shook hands with, and everyone I kissed, but…
That day was actually two days after my birthday. It was the last day of the "Jougen no Tsuki" tour. The live was over, and I felt liberated from everything.
Being tired, being relieved, thinking about the next new thing I had planned, my feelings of thanks towards the members and thanking the staff, my gratefulness to my friends – so many things were swirling up, and already I couldn't handle it. I've never gotten drunk like that before.
In spite of having drunk a fair amount at our first meeting, when I walked into a club the next time, Lee Hom and Tarou-chan were there (Wang Lee Hom and Yamamoto Tarou). Hyde also walked in, and then we all started to drink. I wondered if I was going to die, but I was also really happy.
The day the live ended, all the actors from Moon Child were on the stage together. Though I'd planned that from the day the tour started, actually, it was really difficult to work around all the schedules of the different actors. It was reported to me many times, "it's impossible." But I kept saying, "If you believe you can do it, then you can definitely do it!"
I struggled to do it with everything I had up till the very last day. I think the staff was really working hard. Thinking that we could really do it, they pressed on, and the end result was that we really did it, and that made me the happiest.
The liquor on that day was really great. I had a wonderful experience, and was engulfed with gentleness.
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Posted 5/11/08 , edited 5/11/08
i put it here......... no one read it
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78 / F / LALA-LAND 8D WANN...
Posted 5/12/08 , edited 5/12/08
hehe i read it already~
this is helpful to the other fans who havent read it yet ^^
Posted 5/12/08 , edited 5/13/08
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35 / F / Malaysia
Posted 5/13/08 , edited 5/13/08
4. Drum Zanmai no Koukousei Jidai
High School Days Completely Absorbed in Drumming ~
I don't want to lose! That was the only thing making me continue to play piano. If there was a piano where I was, I'd practice, no matter if it was night, noon, or morning.
I didn't continue this because I started liking piano. But though I really hated it, I came to realize the joy that was there in playing. At that time, it was like I began to realize that playing a musical instrument could be fun.
Because my father played the trumpet, I was familiar with brass instruments. Basically, the fingering (how to move your fingers) is mostly done the same for all of them. If I played trumpet, then I could play other brass instruments as well. Because my fingers had been disciplined on piano, it was easy to move them. With this, I became able to play all brass instruments.
At that time, my senpai at the high school came to my junior high. In our music room someone had put together a drumset, and he suddenly sat down and started playing it without warning.
It was cool. The drums were really cool.
That senpai was a troublemaker, and from the beginning he had always been cool. But to me, he was the first person I knew who played an instrument and was still cool.
At that time, it was a shock. Drums are played with a lot of force and pounding. Was there really an instrument that was so violent?!
I was really attracted by that, and I began to think that I would like to try and learn the drums too.
Because I had a good relationship with my senpai's senpai, I decided to ask him.
"What year did he start so that he could get this good?" I asked.
He said, "He's only been playing for a year. There are two guys at his high school who are better than him."
I was astonished that it could only take a year to become so good.
I got someone who went to the same high school as my senpai to teach me drums, and was much better than my senpai and on a completely different level. Those were days when I was completely absorbed in drumming. I did nothing but drum.
The drums are an indispensable instrument to any band. Drums, guitar, bass…it was the first time that I was touched by these instruments that made up a band.
However, I didn't have any idea about what a band was. I was just in love with the drums.
And also, at that time, I didn't think the idea of a band was all that interesting.
Because the senpai that taught me the drums was a junior in high school, he graduated a year after I entered high school. After that, I played by myself. With my teacher gone, my motivation began dropping.
I began to seek motivation in other things. In doing that, I first became aware of something called a "studio."
There was a worn-out drum set there. There, when I was being taught, I met some guys who played guitar. They began performing in the studio next-door.
"Ah, so is this what a band is?"
The music that I heard coming from next door was really horrific and terrible.
Though I thought it was horrible, I had been playing in a gifted and talented music program since I was a young child. However, the guys who were in the band next door were mostly guys who had started learning instruments when they were in junior high or high school. They didn't have anyone to teach them, so they were self-taught. Honestly, they sucked. They really did.
"What the heck are they doing? Is a band really such a shitty group of people?"
At 16 or 17, I viewed people who were in bands as really stupid.
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Posted 5/13/08 , edited 5/13/08

1. Jibun no Ibasho wa Bando ni
My Place is in the Band

The first time had anything to do with a band was around the end of when I was 17.
Even so, many of my friends were in bands, and they knew that I played the drums, so they would ask me, "Won't you come be our backup?" However, I always declined.
They were all at a lower level than me, so I didn't want to play for them. That was my real motive. Because of this, I thought bands were stupid.
However, there were also friends I said "Fine" to, and without cutting them off, I started to drum for them.
When I went to rehearsals, the performers were as bad as I had thought they would be.
"What the hell is this?"
Until then, I had only performed on stage as a member of an orchestra. But there were vast differences in technique between an orchestra and a band.
"Is it all right to perform like this?"
I would go into the actual performances with these feelings. That was the time of the "band boom," and big amateur band events happened frequently.
The audience in these events numbered in the hundreds. Compared to orchestra audiences, who were more than a thousand people, it was tiny. To me, even as my first time as a performer at a live, I was not nervous at all.
However, the excitement of the audience at these lives was completely different.
If we simply just stood on the stage, there would be shouts of joy. The eyes of everyone who was watching would sparkle with anticipation.
The performance would begin. The crowd gets excited and rushes towards the stage. There are even some people who get up on the stage. The excitement and power coming from the guest seats advances up onto the stage.
Vocals and guitar and bass and drums. Just these 4 people, not losing power, have to push them back with this power of music. If they are pushed back, they will advance once again. There is a power and powerful collision like this and a huge undulation of the crowds, and it unfolds upon the stage.
"Awesome! What's this! Just what kind of band, with just 4 people, can make people feel like this?
"The performances are really bad. They're definitely not at a high level. So in spite of this, why is the audience excited?"
I was overwhelmed. This thing called a band was really cool.
It was totally different from classical music, and it was a whole new world.
During the performances, I began to search.
What was this power? Why did I feel so excited all over?
I began to see the answer little by little.
The orchestras that I had played in until then had many people playing the same instrument. There was a first violin and a second violin…and there were times when they didn't play the same part together. From the number of people needed to play one part, they added people, and there were a lot of times when you couldn't play because your part wasn't needed.
However, a band wasn't like that. There are only 4 people. Also, all the instruments are different. If one person plays wrong, it's all over. You can't make mistakes.
It means this: in a band, every person has a heavy responsibility. That responsibility exists equally among everyone.
If I thought it through and investigated this thoroughly, it made me very happy.
If I hadn't, I wouldn't have played. If I hadn't, I would have stopped.
From when I was very young, I had been searching for a place where I could belong. I wanted this place to not be a copy of anyone else's place.
In this group called a band was the first time that I found the answer.
Posted 5/17/08 , edited 5/18/08
thank you very much, this is really interesting
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Posted 5/24/08 , edited 5/24/08
I READ don't worry. Please continue.

Thank you for your good work
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34 / F / Romania
Posted 5/30/08 , edited 5/30/08
I also have Gackt-sama's Jihaku it is very interesting
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34 / F / Romania
Posted 5/30/08 , edited 5/30/08
I recomend that you post it in a page it is easyer to update
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26 / F / where my love is
Posted 8/18/09 , edited 8/18/09
omG!!!!!!!!!!!! so AWSOME!!!!! i hope u put more up soon!!!! *_*
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24 / F / Finland
Posted 9/1/09 , edited 9/1/09
I own Jihaku. I think that was a good translate.
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