Post Reply Looking Back At Me
Posted 12/23/10 , edited 12/24/10
WARNING: .......uh, sad? =w=

Looking Back At Me...

* * * * * *

I was at home relaxing my tired bones in my hot tub, when I got the call that started everything.

Nikki had an urgent call from her son saying her Grandma fell, so she had to leave her night shift. So I had to take her place.

They were in the middle of a conversation with one of the ‘unstable’ patients, concerning a recent homicide involving a family-

and then Nikki left the scene.

I walked out of my apartment and waved to Ms, Johnson who was getting the newspaper out front, she looked at me quite strangely. Of course, this was supposed to be my break!

I better get payed overtime for this!


“Alright, officers, what’s his problem?” I looked through the long mirror in which our crazy patient sat in the middle of the room, two officers accompanying him at both sides.

He could not see me, but I could see him through this mirror.

Whoever invented this type of mirror, was a genius.

The hospital was packed with big, bad gun holing cops, in what was supposed to be a haven for patients. Hospital, my ass!

I wish I could have had a smoke, but that wasn’t allowed hospital on hospital grounds.

The officer next to me pulled up his belt, staring directly into the mirror. “Ted, he goes by Teddy, his ‘street’ name.”

I grimaced. “He was let go?”

“Yeah, just recently... when he was showing signs of a ‘miraculous’ recovery, the institution let him go free. To live with his family, and then one Saturday night...”

He didn’t even have to tell me.

I saw the Saturday night news, about a released psychopathic patient who was released back to his girlfriends home, who was bearing his baby boy.

...and the rest I just couldn’t breath it in. Nor could I ever understand the physcopathic mind of this guy, I hated his guts.

“Dick head,”


I marched for the door, I was going to give him a piece of my mind!

“Wait, Nurse Fantana, you can’t go in there!”

As if!

And that mirror was bullshit, I felt his stare on me through the mirror the whole damn time.


The two cop officers looked at me alertly, the patients head was down behind the two donuts heads, and he wore a black and white striped shirt, and jeans. He wasn’t talking, that’s for sure.

“Alright big boys,”

I noticed the patients head slowly come up,

“I can handle this bitch, you can go watch from over there somewhere,” I pointed over my shoulder, grinning at them.

I was a 24 year old Nurse, and knew how to deal with people, I knew how to make them do what I want.

One of the officers whispered something to me before he passed, hand to my shoulder, then he was gone. “Be careful. I can’t see any life in those eyes of his, we’ll be watching... if anything happens...”

I scoffed the worry off, and they left.


I stood in the room without moving for a moment, with only the patient and I present. I sighed, straightening myself up and taking a firm seat in front of me, letting the anger from my eyes travel to him, and I crossed my leg over the other, crossing my arms over my chest.

“What the hell is she doing?”

“Knowing Nurse Fantana, she’s probably trying to make him feel uncomfortable.”



“Just watch her do her stuff,”


Another minute of complete silence, and I felt his empty eyes sinking into mine, until I finally cracked.

“You son of a bitch!”

My chair screeched as it scoot back, and I slapped my hands against the table, he didn’t jump at all.

And his defiant, childish, little look on his face made my blood boil!

“Your face disgusts me! I can’t stand the sight of you-!”

I bound around the table and yelled at the side of his head,

“You will never ever even see what color eyes she would have had! You would have never known how it felt to hold that precious baby in your arms, hearing her heart beat against your palm, holding her hand as you walked her to school, you would NEVER, EVER, know how happy you could get just seeing her smile...!”

What the hell was I doing...

I have never gotten this worked up... but the situation was too... similar. And him.

My fists trembled on the table, and I forced the tears back in my eyes. It was then he finally spoke with that deep, fucking voice.

“You’re ranting, Nurse.”

The words barely registered in my head.

I was back inside my flashbacks, before my head hit the ground, and I passed out.

The last things I could hear were slow sounding words forming in my head,

“Get her out of there!”

“Don’t blame me for you're choice, Nurse Fan.


I pondered how I would tell my parents about this,

I touched my belly in a circular motion, looking into the mirror. I was a wreck.

And this baby... she was coming soon. My baby... MINE. I couldn’t see how I could bring another life into my own life, I lost my job at a fast food restaurant, I’m only 17, and I'm so close to finishing up high school! This wasn’t what I wanted... this wasn’t how I pictured my life.

I wanted to become a nurse so badly!

I wanted to deliver peoples babies, I wanted to make my mark in life... but I couldn’t.

Not with this belly.

School was always hard. My ‘former’ friends looked at me and just walked away, they thought the sight of me being with him in a bed was the most disgusting thing ever. Like they weren’t whores, either!

This was high school! Everyone was either a dick, or a whore! I hated everyone. No one supported me, and Ted dropped out of school. He fled the country... can you believe that?

Then I heard rumors around school, I don’t know how it came to be. But he got some bitch pregnant up in Texas, and they were living a happy life?

You could never understand how I felt in that moment, what went through me...


I went to the doctor today, she determined it was a girl after all.

After my first trimester, one Saturday night, I got a call from a restricted number on my cell,

The voice was hoarse, and I could barely make out words, “Abort it. I hate kids.”

The phone slipped out of my hand, and I fell in pain, cramping, screaming, another long night. Until I found myself in the hospital the next morning.

Wind wafted in from the open window, and I breathed it in. Suddenly, I wasn’t in pain anymore. I smiled, reaching for my belly.

And suddenly,

I could feel nothing there.


The memory of me collapsing that night, and what I did to my baby... it was a blurred and painful picture.

The officers and other doctors sent me home for the rest of the night to rest, the pain followed me all the way in the car, one of the doctors offered to take me home, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I felt light headed and dazed,

She would have been a beautiful girl...

“Hey, you alright back there? Really, what happened to you back there...”

She would have made me angry sometimes, but I would always forgive my baby girl.

“Hey, hey, Fan!

I nodded off again,


The supermarket was open until 10pm, and I rushed in at about 9. I was having my family over this weekend after me passing my Junior year with nothing but A’s and B’s. I even got a scholarship that made me flaunt it around in the street!

The lights in the supermarket were bright, and I was in the Dairy department.

I opened the glass door to get the milk I was eying, it seemed to stand out from the others.

That was until another hand touched mine, aiming for the same milk.

Our hands froze where they were, and we looked at each other. “O-oh... umm.. Sorry,”

“No, no, you keep it.”

I blushed and reached for the milk carton, looking up at him and those dreamy eyes. “I’m Fantana... you look familiar, what school do you go to?”

he smiled at me and looked me in the eye, “Slippery Rock, I just got done with first semester of Junior year, and now I’m on a three week break,”

The milk I was holding was so cold against my palms.

“Oh, me too! I knew I saw you around...”

He smiled again,
“Fantana, huh? That’s an interesting name, like the drink?”

I laughed, “I get that a lot...”

“I’ll just call you Fan, okay?”

I nodded, waiting for that hand to reach in the air so we could officially shake hands and know each other.

I never believed in ‘love at first sight’, especially at a supermarket, but... why not? I always wanted to believe in something stupid.

“I’m Ted, by the way. Nice to meet you.”


I didn’t know why I was looking through my high school photo albums, I was popular. Ted was too, he played football. We always had the yearbook committee beg to take our pictures, we became a big deal second semester of Junior year.

And then by the end, something was changing.

It wasn’t the same feeling being around him anymore, when he would put his arm around me for another picture, I felt uneasy.

One particular night, we were out for dinner at an expensive restaurant. He started talking about how he detested children... and that he would never want to raise one.

I didn’t know what to say.

But I believed it was only a temporally hate, and that when our future together came him mind would be different about it... but he never seemed to change. The kids at the park, he would always give them a kind of mean look, and the kids would run away to their mommies, crying.

It didn’t take long for us to argue about it, and then he raped me.


The last thing I could remember, is me passing out in the car of one of the doctors. He’d taken me home, and was at my side in mere minutes,

“Hey, your finally awake. How you feeling?”

It took me a minute to form any speech, and the first things that slipped off my tongue,

“Hey, Doc... how do you feel about kids?”

He gave me a peculiar look, smiling then. “I love them. Why?”

I just shook my head, letting the tears fall freely.

“Nothing. You’re a good man...Doc,”


I wanted to get back to work, I knew the hospital needed me. I was their best nurse, after all.

But it sickened me, it sickened every part of me to think that bastard was still inside the building. Being questioned, but never giving answers. I needed to finally exhale the past, and inhale justice. This man I loved, needed to be put away forever.

For ruining so many lives, for hating children.

But it wasn’t that easy to get in that room a second time, the doctors and nurses, the cops said they would have to arrest me if I went inside. What the fuck was I!? What happened to my tough demeanor? Now they think I’m some mentally fucked up little girl who's afraid of the patient?

“Stop it, Fantana!” The Doc that had kindly drove me home before, was holding me back so easily, but I kept kicking and fighting... I was fighting my entire life for this chance! It wasn’t fair at all!

“This is a hospital, Nurse, you should be aware patients need there rest.”

“Shut up! Don’t tell me that, I’m not stupid!”

“You better watch who you're talking to like that, Nurse!”

Every nurse looked appalled, and scared. This was just like high school... fake people.

The Doc whispered calmly in my ear, but I denied it every time. “Please, stop... you're becoming crazy...”

“Fuck off, how dare you call me-“

I mentally broke down again, he let me slip out of his hold and I fell to the floor, giving that bastard in the room one hell of a show.

And I knew he could see through that window.

“I just... I just want to say one last thing to him... please?” I looked up at the police officers particularly, begging them like a pathetic girl being bullied back in high school for her fat belly.

The police officers exchanged each other looks, and sighed once, “Fine, you get a minute with the patient... say what you like. And that's it,”


I nodded, the Doc behind me balanced me to stand, and I walked into the room with a certain death march, and a heavy heart. Something I’ve always wanted to say to him, before he left me Senior year to suffer alone.

He was sitting in the same position, as if he’d not moved an inch, his head was still down, his hands still cuffed on his lap.

I closed the door behind me.

This man could have been the Father of my baby, we could have been a family together. But in reality, a family could never be formed if the father had gone completely crazy.

I distanced myself from him, standing in the middle of the room, far away. Each letter that came out from his name pained my throat,


The deep frown on my lips merged upward, and I smirked, who cares if I was a little crazy? Like Father, like Mother.

“You may go fuck yourself, because there ain’t no way in hell you will see the beautiful outdoors anymore. You will live in a tiny cubical white room, for the rest of your life. You will be strapped to your liking, having only but your sick mind to entertain you, nobody gives a flying shit what happens to you,”


I wanted to say so many other things, but it just wasn’t worth it. I wanted to put him to justice, I could of told the cops he had raped me once before in the past, but the proof was gone. He wouldn’t talk about that Texas incident, in which he stabbed the tummy of the girlfriend he impregnated. But again, he probably threatened the girl if she would talk of it.

He would of probably stabbed her, too.

I didn’t want to end up as the girl who never spoke, the girl who could have put him to justice.

I turned around for the door, leaving the past with me with a smile, He held no control over me anymore,


That was his voice, but I could no longer recognize him as a human being.

“You know, you will be back. Because you still love me.“

I left the room then, closing the door shut behind me. Fuck, he was completely crazy to think I still had feelings for him.


-Two Years Later-

Today was a beautiful morning to take a walk around the park, and my Fiancé and I, walked hand in hand to a nearby bench, full of children laughter around us, and my engagement ring shining.

We sat down and I leaned back, looking up at the sky.

Life was beautiful indeed,

“Doc, do you think I would be a good mother...?”

I haven’t realized it before, but he’d always help me out. Even with the situation with Ted years ago, he would always be there before I would completely fall.

“No,” he whispered, squeezing my hand, “You will soon be the best mother ever,”

That’s right, I smiled. He put his head to my belly again, hearing the babies heartbeat.

I was so happy. “He’s going to see his first birthday... we’re going to see him reach adult hood...”

We smiled and promised that dream for each other, and I was happy God gave me a second chance like this, with a better man, and with my new baby boy.


Kaleb ran down the stairs on Christmas day, laughing and giggling to see what presents Mommy and Daddy got for him. It would be his 5th Christmas this time. He hoped it was that new toy car on the commercials, or a new video game.

It was snowing outside, a white Christmas.

The little boy ripped the presents apart near the fire place, holding up my new controller for that toy car he wished Santa for.

And then he hugged his parents, and had cocoa in front of the fireplace.

The little boy wanted to play outside now, and make snowman, so he ran for the door,

“Hold on, Kaleb! You forgot your coat!”


The boy was gone, the door was all the way open, leaving the harsh snow to flurry in, and the strong sound of the wind to finally awaken the dreaming girl with a cold reality.


Hands were wrapped around my own, they were warm to the touch, and my eyes finally fluttered open,

I found my Fiance first, “W-what happened...?”

He held such a miserable look on his face, that I dreaded what could have been...


The nurse beside me put a hand on my Fiance, and decided to speak up, and tell me what happened to my baby boy.

I had a miscarriage.


The vision of a family would always be artificial and fake to me. Just like Kaleb was, and I always imagined him, and my daughter, looking back at me and running into my arms.

The End
63254 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 12/23/10 , edited 12/24/10
*slaps a big old EMBIE on this page*

I'll read this soon ;D
Posted 12/23/10 , edited 12/24/10
63254 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 12/27/10 , edited 12/28/10

She just wants a babyyyy ;_____;

But man that's sad... D:
Posted 12/28/10 , edited 12/28/10
but atleast she isnt alone & has the Doc now right ? (///:
so... not the usual depressing KokoEnding D:

63254 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 12/28/10 , edited 12/28/10
Yeaahh, she gots her Doctor Man now so it's all good.

63254 cr points
Send Message: Send PM GB Post
27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 12/28/10 , edited 12/28/10
Slippery Rock.

You must be logged in to post.