funny jokes
Posted 1/31/11 , edited 2/1/11
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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26 / F / Under The Sea
Posted 1/31/11 , edited 2/1/11
A white guy, black guy and a Chinese guy crash landed on a deserted island.

The white guy tells the black guy to make a fire, and the Chinese guy to go into the forest to get supplies, while he goes to search for something to eat.

The white man returns and waits with the black man for 3 hours for the Chinese guy, and finally went into the forest to search for him.

They look around and suddenly the Chinese guy jumps out of a bush and says, "SUPPLIES!!!"
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29 / M / in a world where...
Posted 1/31/11 , edited 2/1/11

ok i dont remember this perfectly i thought it was funny

Nancy decides to go to her son David's house for dinner, in which David shares the house with his female roommate, Andrea. Throughout the evening Nancy starts to suspect that there's something going on between her son and his roommate and asks if they're together. David catches on and openly denies saying they're just good friends and even sleep in separate rooms.

Soon after dinner Nancy leaves and while cleaning the dishes, Andrea says to David that some of the silverware is missing. Days passed and Andrea tells David to call his mother and ask.

David finally complies and calls saying: "Mother, now i'm not saying you stole anything but did you take the silverware from dinner?".

Nancy responds: "now i never once said you and Andrea were sleeping in the same bed but if Andrea actually slept in another room she would have found the silverware."
Posted 2/1/11 , edited 2/1/11
A guy dies and goes to hell....

The Devil walks him through a corridor with lots of doors, and asks him to pick a room to spend eternity in.

He opens the first door and there are people with shit up to their knees, he says "No I don't like this room, I'll try the next one."

In the next room there are people with shit up to their necks, he says "No, no, next room please."

In this room there are people with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating sandwiches. He says to the Devil "Oh yeah, this one please." So it is final, the Devil goes to leave and as he leaves he says "Ok everyone, coffee break over, everyone back on your heads!"

Posted 2/1/11 , edited 2/1/11
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....except Herpes. That shit will come back with ya.
Posted 2/1/11 , edited 2/1/11
when ur Russian there's no time for Satlin
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