Post Reply Five Down
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27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 3/3/11 , edited 3/5/11
Be warned, sad and kinda messed up D:

Five Down (as in 5 senses)
[[ Click for the song that inspired this story ]]


Have you ever wondered what it would be like to lose your senses; lose them one by one until there’s nothing left? You’re just floating in nothing, not able to see, not able to hear, not able to even feel or smell.

Just, nothing.

You can’t imagine just how unnerving it is.

Part One

You see, I’ve been there. Or I am there. I don’t even know if I’m dead or not now, except for the voices telling me what was going on.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at a young age. I always had the voices to tell me things, to keep me company.

The people around me—my mother, my father, my childhood friend—all told me that I should go to the doctor, and to take my medicine. They didn’t think the voices in my head were healthy. But they were all I really had after my childhood friend left me. His parents were afraid of their son getting hurt by me in a swing of moods.

Did I mention the voices sometimes took control of my muscles? Sometimes I was Jim. Sometimes I was Lucy. But the name my mother gave me when I was born was Amanda.

What triggered my parents concern about my mental health first was the first time Jim came out. I’d mentioned to them that Jim and Lucy were playing with me a few times, but they assumed that Jim and Lucy were imaginary friends; most children do have them at some point.

But this time, Jim came out, and used my voice and my body. He wanted to see what it was like to have limbs and a voice everyone could hear. My mother became so frightened she locked Jim in my room. When I came back, she didn’t believe it was actually me, and the doctor came less than half an hour after.

That’s when I was diagnosed.

They call it schizophrenia, but I know what it actually is; Jim and Lucy died the day I was born. They told me themselves, when I was very young. And so their souls entered my mind, and now they talk to me.

But Over the years, I had gotten good at realizing when they were lying to me. They did do that sometimes.

One day, I asked them again why I was the only one who could hear them.

I could tell they were lying when they told me that story. So I asked again, and I told them to tell me the truth.

They said they couldn’t lie to me anymore, and told me the truth. They were sent by God himself to observe the human race.

What they found out was that humans treat anything that’s different from them with fear and hatred. I felt the need to defend my race; I told Jim and Lucy to give them some time. After all, the childhood friend that had to move away—Mike—had secretly kept in touch with me. He and I could prove to these beings sent from God that there was still love and compassion in the human race.

Part Two

On a summer night in my 15th year, Mike and I planned to sneak out of our homes and meet half way between our towns. I’d saved up money from collecting bottles and recycling them; he’d saved his allowance. We each bought a ticket for a bus to the agreed meeting point, and he told me he had enough money so that we could stay away from our parents for at least a week.

We were a pair of foolish teenagers, but let’s face it; we were in love. We’d promised never to be separated when he had to move away, and he’d given me an email address he’d made without his parents’ knowing. So that night, I’d navigated my parents’ computer to make myself an email address; Mike told me I was the only one who knew it so he would know it was me.

And that was how we’d kept in touch, and never really separated, all those seven years of our physical separation.

The moment we met up again was like in the movies; we hugged, and I cried a little. He wiped away the tears and took me by the hand.

“Let’s show them…” I had mumbled quietly, knowing the Jim and Lucy would know I was referring to them.

He looked over at me, tilting his head.

“Ah, nothing.”

He knew about my “disease” and he still loved me. He promised he would never leave me.
We agreed to not answer any calls to our cell phones from our parents, and use this time we had together to have fun and catch up on the seven years we’d missed.

We had to evade the police though. Our parents had both likely sent out missing child reports, so our faces would be known. I doubted whether either set of parents knew both children were missing. Neither of us had left any evidence of the other, so they wouldn’t know where to look first.

The cheapest hotel in town was the one we stayed at, and to save money we got one room, one bed. It was a little awkward at first, but I knew it was how I wanted it to be. I don’t know how much he held back, but he never tried to do anything to me in those nights we spent together. I think a part of me whished he would have. It could have been the last time I would see him.

But thoughts like that were pushed out of my mind by the promise we’d made. We would get married one day and they wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

One night, Lucy came out though. Later she said she did it to test Mike’s resolve and see if he really was as I said he was.

“I hate you! You made me run away from my home and you don’t even know me anymore!” She made me say.

“… Amanda… It’s been seven years, yes… but I know you’re the same girl I knew back then! I don’t care about your schizophrenia! I’m not going to leave you like everyone else did!”

I cried a little from my place inside my mind. I knew he would never leave me, it was Jim and Lucy who needed proving to.

He reached out to wrap me in a hug, and Lucy made me strike out at him, giving him a bruise on his cheek the next day. “Get away from me!”

I broke though and got back to myself before the sentence was over, and started to cry.

“M-Mike…!” I went to where he sat on a chair watching me, and hugged him. “It was Lucy… that wasn’t me, Mike… I love you…”

He put his hand on my head and ruffled my hair gently, bringing my face into his chest. “It’s okay. I’m not going to leave you Amanda.”

“She doesn’t… she doesn’t understand,” I said through my tears. “Jim doesn’t get it either. They think everyone is horrible and not worth saving!”

I think I cried into his chest for an hour or two until I cried myself to sleep. He just let me, and quietly wrung out his soaked shirt as I slept.

When I woke up, there was sun shining into the room, but Mike looked troubled.

“Is… something wrong?” I asked.

“The cops came by the room today… I pretended we weren’t here and didn’t answer the door, but I feel like they’ll be back.”

My face fell, and my heart began to as well. I looked around the room. Our things were packed. I looked back at him, and the worry in my eyes must have made him get up and come toward me. I saw the bruise on his face, and frowned. I heard Lucy apologize. She said she wouldn’t do it again.

Mike hugged me tight, and I mumbled, “Lucy… says she’s sorry… she won’t hurt you again…” He sighed, and hugged me tighter.

“I wouldn’t leave you even if she did hit me again. I love you.”

Part Three

We could only run from the police another day and a half. When they caught us, and our parents were called out to the town we’d run away to, I was immensely sad. Mike held my hand though, making it mostly better.

My parents were very upset with me, but they were honestly glad I was all right. They admitted it made them feel better when the police called and said I wasn’t alone, that I’d had Mike with me.

Mike’s parents weren’t as forgiving of me. They punished him harsher than my parents had, and the bruise still on his face made them think I was even more dangerous than they’d thought I was when they moved away.

And yet we still emailed each other. We promised to meet again soon.

Over the months he told me what was going on in his life. He got a job the week after his sixteenth birthday, and said he was going to save the money so we could go away again. He said once he was eighteen he was going to leave his home and live on his own, and he wanted me to come with him.

I already knew I wasn’t going to make it to college; I was getting more paranoid by the week, and going out in public scared me most of the time. It would take all I had to make it to Mike the next time, and I wouldn’t leave his side once I was there.

The years flew by, and on my eighteenth birthday, my phone rang the ringtone that meant Mike had sent a message.

“Come outside, Amanda.”

I blinked, looked around my room, and ran to the door. I opened it and there he was, sitting on the fence. I ran to him and hugged him harder than I’d ever hugged anyone.

“I already talked to your parents, Amanda. Let’s go.”

My parents let me go on the condition that I sent them a message every day and called weekly to let them know how I was doing. I readily agreed, and left with Mike to the apartment he’d taken out with the money from his job. We got married that week. It wasn’t fancy, and my parents were the only ones there because his refused to recognize me as a daughter. But they didn’t matter to us.

Lucy and Jim approved of Mike. Sometimes Jim came out to chat with Mike. At first it made Mike worry, but I assured him it was okay. Whenever Jim was out, after a while Mike grew used to it. He grew used to the times when Lucy was out as well. But once, Lucy tried to seduce him using my body. It took Mike a few moments to realize it wasn’t me. I was very angry at Lucy for that. She promised she wouldn’t do it again.

I was going numb in a few places, but it didn’t seem to be a problem at the time, so I ignored it, though Jim warned me to be careful.
We were living out a happy life together when the first one went.

I got a call from my mother; my father had had a heart attack. He was in critical condition in the hospital.

Mike rushed me out of the house, though I was reluctant. I wanted to see my father before he died… but I didn’t want to go out. There were too many unknown people, too many things for my weakened senses.

Mike was able to convince me I was safe though; he always could. We made it to the hospital, and I cried with my mother over my father’s bed when he passed.

It was when Mike had to repeat something three times the next day that I realized my hearing was going as well. I was only twenty, so why was this happening?

Part Four

A few months after my father’s death, my vision was reduced to dim, blurry smudges. Wearing glasses only partially solved the problem. Mike was still with me; I could still hear him most of the time, but my failing vision made me even more paranoid. Not able to see well, I was imagining countless creeps and monsters around every corner, even in my own home.

I couldn’t even smell very well anymore. I had a lotion that had been one of the strongest things I’d ever smelled, and by the time I was 21 I couldn’t smell it anymore.

It was then that I learned I was pregnant.

My mother was ecstatic to have a grandchild, but I was so scared. Mike was the only one who could bring me out of my frightened fits. I made Jim or Lucy go out more because I didn’t want to think, and my sense of smell completely disappeared by my 6th month.

I didn’t know how I was going to bring this child into life if I couldn’t even see or feel it.

But Mike stayed by my side through it all.

After eight and a half months of pregnancy, I gave birth to a baby girl. We named her Abigail. With my schizophrenia, the doctors had to do a lot of tests to make sure the child was healthy. I had to ask Mike a thousand times if what they were doing would hurt my baby. He never seemed to get tired or annoyed of it.

When I finally had my baby in my arms, and could take her home with me, I was only more depressed by the fact that I couldn’t hear her crying. I couldn’t even tell if my baby was hungry, or tired, or cold, or too hot. I was so afraid of hurting my baby that I wouldn’t touch her; my sense of touch was failing just as badly as the other senses.

Mike had to feed the child and change her diapers and burp her. I felt so useless.

One sense—smell—completely gone, another almost all gone, and the rest failing so badly I could barely function. I could still see some and feel most, but I couldn’t hear the birds outside, and people had to yell for me to hear them.

The only thing I could hear clearly were Jim and Lucy.

They encouraged me to pick up my baby, to show her I loved her.

Mike was still at work, and I didn’t trust anyone else so I was alone with my baby. I picked her up ever so carefully, and sat down in a chair with her. When Mike got back, he came into the room where I sat with Abigail, I could barely see him pause, and come to sit with us. I knew the perfect family image was too good to be true.

After a week more of seeing Mike showing so much love to Abigail, I got paranoid again. I got worried that one day, Mike would prefer our daughter over me, and it scared me so much thinking about a life without Mike that it drove me into a mad daze. While Mike was at work… I did the unforgiveable.

I picked up my own child, my dear Abigail, and started to shake her.

I couldn’t even hear her scream. If I could have, I think I might have snapped out of it. My own child’s screams would have been powerful enough to pull me out of that paranoid daze.

But my hearing had failed me by then.

What started with one, my sense of smell, had become two with my hearing, and it drove me to kill my own baby by shaking.

After that day I was numb inside and out.

Mike came home, saw the baby in her crib where I’d put her back down, and found me curled up in a corner mumbling to myself about my baby.

It must have sounded like gibberish to him, because I couldn’t feel my own lips. I didn’t know what I was even saying. I knew what I wanted to say, but I had no way of saying it correctly.

I don’t think he ever really forgave me for that day. But he stayed by my side. I clung to him that night, and barely felt his hand on my head. Lucy and Jim told me though; he had such a pained look on his face that I knew I was crying when they told me. I vaguely felt his hands, gentle against my cheeks, wiping away the tears I couldn’t even feel for myself.


In less than a month I was floating in my nothingness. No sound, no color, no feeling. All I knew anymore was Jim and Lucy. I constantly asked them what was going on.

I was in a bed in my home with Mike. Jim and Lucy constantly told me what was going on in my life.

Once I asked Lucy if I’d shown them. She said I sure had. They were convinced that humanity, though it had its flaws, was well worth saving.

I don’t even know how much time had passed when even Jim and Lucy disappeared.

I knew then that I was dead.

It was the same as it had been before, just now I didn’t even have the luxury of the voices in my head.
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27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 3/3/11 , edited 3/4/11
Tis really short and i wrote it quickly so it might not make sense D|
Posted 3/3/11 , edited 3/4/11
just.... wow...


all this writing though made me want to hurry my butt up & update some of my storires! : 'D thanks xD
Posted 3/3/11 , edited 3/4/11

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27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 3/3/11 , edited 3/4/11
It's up to you guys, I didn't plan that far ahead ;w;
Posted 3/4/11 , edited 3/4/11
wheres the song ...?
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27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 3/4/11 , edited 3/5/11
the title is the link owo
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27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 3/4/11 , edited 3/5/11
oohh, there was a typo in the link |D
NOW it's better XD
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21 / F / On thee couch wit...
Posted 3/21/11 , edited 3/22/11
Really well written, BRAVOOO!! :DD
I love how Mike was soo dedicated to Amanda, it was soo touching and sweet
Jim and Lucy are weird O_______O LOL
"Lucy tried to seduce him using my body" BAHAHAHAA XD
This story is sooooooooooo sad, I wish there was a happy ending :((
But now I KINDA know what schizophrenia is! Such a big word XDD
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23 / F / o-o places =3
Posted 3/22/11 , edited 3/22/11
....I'm sorta scared now... o w o ...
And maaan it'sb een a loon time since i've read something good ♥ TIME TO GO CATCH UP ON MORE READING :3
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29 / M / Archangelus
Posted 3/23/11 , edited 3/24/11
It is touching and very tragic. =O
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27 / F / In my own little...
Posted 3/23/11 , edited 3/24/11
You don't lose your senses with Schizophrenia, it just worked for the story... that was just her failing health and something that can't really be explained in the real world...

Thanks everyone ^^
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