I Heard Myself Change
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27 / M / washington
Posted 1/30/08 , edited 2/1/08
I Heard Myself Change

I heard a voice; I don’t know where it came from. It echoed, it did not stop, whose voice is it? It became louder, why am I the only

one who hears it? It became clearer, does it want something? Failure, what does it mean Does my conscience want me to know

something? It came closer, am I panicking. The fear creeps up on me with such silence, that I should be surprised. More words,

more fears. “, You are Alone, hated, weak, scared and indecisive.” The voice so loud, so clear, it’s impossible to ignore.

Huddled in fear, surrounded by the crippling voice. Finally the voice says what “, will you do?” ", What will you do?" This

question this question I feel it holds some meaning. ", What will I do?" I stand the voice still getting louder clearer now as if

shouting "what will you do." The voice quiets to a whisper repeating so silently that I can barely tell what is being said ", Denial".

Then complete silence. I stand still as though time has stopped now the only thing I hear is my heart beating thump, thump.

Then I think", what have I been doing till now? Has it been worth it? Has my life now been such a failure?" The voice returns much

calmer with a sense of uneasiness as if to respond. ", What have you done? Nothing. What have you accomplished? Nothing.

What do you wish for?" Silence. Again a question that feels as if it has some deep hidden meaning. The voice then says with a

single word that feels as if it will rip away my heart, “Nothing". I look around the room everyone working so diligently at their

desks. Why is it that I’m the only one who hears this voice? "Have you accepted what has been will you accept what will are you

accepting what is?" the voice still so calm it makes me shiver such cruel things have been said but this, this voice it feels that if I

were to turn around it would have a face.

Is it that I have fallen from reality? Is it my conscience telling me that my life has been going nowhere that’s the only possibility? I

have unknowingly been evaluating myself slowly keeping track of how I have slowly come to screeching halt at failure. Have I

accepted this? I don’t want to accept such an ugly thing. ”, Isn’t it true that you already have.” Without thinking I responded”, All I

want is quiet, leave my head” shocked that I had started to speak to this cruel nerve racking voice. I collapse too my knees and

clench my head slowly pushing myself into emptiness. “, Is you’re goal to avoid the truth”.

“I’m going crazy there’s nothing for me to do all this voice will do is tormenting me and tormenting me till I break down

completely. Is that its goal? Of course this can’t be my voice it doesn’t even sound like me so I’m just imaging this. Seriously

there is no possibility for me to turn on myself. True what it said was true I have nothing to show for myself as a person. My life

has been somewhat easy as life goes. Though that’s true I would never hold that against myself. Unknowingly the voice had

stopped speaking. I figured I should get to work and not let know of the whole experience but I sat down with a smile but still a

question appeared “,why” this question I asked myself repeatedly for the rest of my work day ignoring the entire existence of the

world around me the rest of day. Why did I hear it at all why did I ever respond? The last time I had a problem this hard was back

in high school when my chemistry teacher Mrs. Hanel assigned a question to the class. It only question I ever tried to

answer. I caved when I saw it written on the paper of the person in front of me and blurted the answer out. I got through

the whole year by copy that person. A sudden realization came to mind “,I’m despicable’ lower than trash no

even that’s not low enough I can reach the darkest reaches of hell and still not be low enough. I have gone through life cheating

and using my friends and family. Money work food even stole my best friend’s girlfriend just to break up with her two days later.

Even though they stick up with me some even smile but I have always felt an emotionless aura in those seemingly cheerful

smiles as if they stick with me through obligation. I then raised my hand out in front of my face staring into it as if it held the

answers to the universe then I slowly grasped my heart. “, Now do you understand you have lived a life of denial?” This time the

voice didn’t surprise me I was expecting it the whole time after all why wouldn’t it I hadn’t learned a lesson all I did was send

myself into more denial. “ha-ha-ha ha-ha sniff” I laughed with tears flowing down my cheeks. ”yes but I don’t want to.” I looked up

into the stars “, because… it…it hurts so much.” Wiping my tears seemed to only cause more to flow. “, because knowing your

hated by everyone can only do just that hurt.” “, Accepted everything your past present and future?” I nod unable to respond due

to the tears. “, Do you deny that you are alone, hated, weak, scared, and indecisive and that you have failed at the life that was

seemingly so easy?” the flowing tears now a small trickle down my face and my soaked hands now in my lap”, yes” my voice

was nothing but a simple whisper as I sat on the grass in the park staring at the sign that so clearly said do not step on the

grass. “, My life is simple and easy yes I understand, I am hated by all those that I loved I know this clear, to succeed I stepped

and trampled on those same people and now I am alone and you are here to make this clear.” At that point a strong wind blew in

my eyes instinctively I shut them “, wrong.” I opened my amazed at what I heard knowing I can’t have heard wrong since it was in

my thoughts. “Wrong true I had made that obvious but my objective was to tell you to change before it was too late” startled my

question was to be expected. “, Before it’s too late what is too late?” “, Isn’t it possible to change can’t I?” Did it mean I was

going to die? “, You will not die contrary you will change no you must change but can you?” I stood up and yelled at the top of

my voice “yes” I was breathing heavily through my gritted teeth and steam rising from my deep breaths. “, Then I will tell you one

last thing” my eye flared wide “, what, why only one more thing help me.” Silence unbearable silence. “, ha-ha” I laughed and fell

to my knees looked up and held my hand out as if expecting for something to fall in to my hand. “Fine tell me I’m ready” still

silence my hand dropped and I stayed like that for several hours, eventually I stood and walked home my head hung low the

entire way back. I opened the door took off my shoes barely hanging on to my consciousness my eyes slowly shutting. I carried

myself to my sofa where sat down and stared blankly into space. I grabbed my head inhaled and screamed. “Humph so that’s

the last of my strength huh, sad just sad.” I closed my eyes and seconds later before I fell asleep I thought I heard something.

The next morning I woke up and called and apologized to every person I could, I paid all my debts and returned all my favors. I

wanted to change from that day on. I never quite heard that voice again but it was as if the presence was always there.

"You must change yourself without forgetting the person you were."

authors notes enjoy
this was 1396 word long
this story is about altough never stated a man named james kisle an arrogant man whos life ambition is to live his life in simplicity no matter how using everyone he knows as steping stones but he doesnt notice how it effects the people around him and how little in life he actually has done for himself
the theme is change of character and struggle with the subconcious
(larenzo felkins owns this short story , not crunchyroll!”) do not distribute
2651 cr points
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34 / M / Florida
Posted 1/30/08 , edited 1/31/08
One giant paragraph... I started going cross-eyed before I even started reading. Space it out
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29 / F / Sydney, Australia
Posted 1/31/08 , edited 1/31/08
I like the moral of this story. The thing is, you can extend the ending (since the beginning is long, but ending is cut too short), by saying what the protagonist did, what he said, who he apologized to, and why.
2672 cr points
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27 / M / washington
Posted 2/1/08 , edited 2/1/08

ShadowstalkerXI wrote:

One giant paragraph... I started going cross-eyed before I even started reading. Space it out

is that better
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